It's normal for young bamboo plants to abort new shoots every now and then as the plant determines whether it has enough energy to complete the process. (I speak of determination in the botanical sense, as the hopes and dreams of a plant are a mystery to me; I can only observe from the outside.) Bamboo plant  Echo had put up a culm that stopped growing about 10 inches off the ground. I assumed this was normal. I was wrong.

The tip of a bamboo culm grows like a spear thrusting out from the underworld by a wretched soldier of Hades. This ill-fated foray fell perfectly into a twisted ring of metal. This band of iron choked the life out of the plant. Bamboo grows from the tip upwards, like an extending toy lightsaber. Its own growth sealed its fate. 

When I finally discovered this, months after I noticed the aborted culm, I was distraught. I had been clearing grass from around Echo and peeled away the drying husk around the culm and saw it. Above the choke point, Echo had tried to grow, and sliver of plant had struggled through before it died, giving a gleaming white middle finger to the world.

The culm below the ground was still green and vibrant. I am curious to see what it will do next.

I now investigate the rising culms as soon as I see them more closely. The world is crueler to bamboo than I ever expected, and Echo and I are now a bit more prepared for it. 

I put up lights around the front of the house in November. A little early for Christmas, I'm sure the neighbors all thought. Joke's on them; these lights are staying up all year. I also added the flickering orange bird-cage lights that we used to use for Halloween. Also permanent.

I also rearranged the furniture. Because why not. 

I have another day off on Friday. I wonder what I'll get into. 

Dang it, I think I pulled a hamstring. Not exercising, while walking the dogs. Running up and down hills in dress shoes was a risky move. I'll have to be more careful.

The other night, I was dreaming that something was creeping towards my side of the bed. I sleep-kicked a mighty roundhouse into the imaginary neck of my sleep-enemy. That oughta learn 'em.

Phew, National Novel Writing Month is over and I managed to write even less than I would in a normal month. It was tough, but I powered through it.

Thanksgiving was good. I got two excellent dinners, and plenty of leftover pie.

Not much else going on for me. Walking and playing video games, tending the bamboo, and trying to think of good Christmas presents.

Wild times!

Jake and Rachel's wedding was fantastic. Flagstaff gets real winters, unlike Phoenix, but it was still warm during the day. I got to wear my big grey coat (with attached hood!) when we went out after the reception.

Jake and Rachel had beautiful wedding vows. There was nary a dry eye in the house. 

Everyone had a great time, I think, and there were only a couple of minor wedding-drama incidents that happened after all the paperwork was complete so nothing to worry about, really. 

There's one more wedding to go, this Thursday, and then I think that's it for this wedding season. That one is in town so what could go wrong?

Oh hey, the YouTube music app which I've mostly hated since its latest update has a playlist called '00's Indie Scene. Was this indie music? I know most of these songs. I don't remember being in the indie scene. Is this app stretching the truth here? I'm pretty sure most of these songs were on the popular radio stations, or at least used in movie trailers. Maybe that's it. If your song was used in a non-blockbuster movie trailer or technology commercial, you're indie. Mystery solved, next!

And I, myself, have been wondering many things. 

While I was streaming, someone brought up cancel culture and I said it doesn't really exist, but I didn't elaborate on it or think much about it further. It's one of those moments where I say something, and I'm pretty sure there's a reason I hold that particular view, but I can't recall the reason. It makes me wary.

I think it's because I was thinking about how job applications ask you if you're a convicted felon and how that's been around ever since I've been applying for jobs. I think the main reason people see this thing they call cancel culture is because people have become "content creators" and they are the product, and the specific content you're creating doesn't really matter because in most cases, your value to the company is based on ad revenue and how you build their brand. 

There's some nuance, I suppose, in which platforms may not allow you to use their services to broadcast yourself, but in our current system, it's a cost-benefit analysis. If you're costing more than you bring in, so long!

It's interesting though, that people who decry cancel culture and I probably agree in the broad strokes that a system in which people's livelihood has become dependent on their perceived personally-held beliefs is a concern.

And that it doesn't matter if it's correct; if it's believed by the "voting bloc", that's the behavior you have to factor in, as a company.

This isn't a bug; it's a feature. So now it's something I have to consider when I broadcast my game play on Twitch. That and not ripping a big fart while my microphone is live. That's just not the kind of humor I'm interested in.

Sometimes, I feel a strange malaise. Usually right after I've helped someone who has a more serious medical issue that involves me having to perform a relatively mundane and/or bureaucratic task. 

Like I shouldn't be complaining when other people have it worse.

My life is relatively comfortable. A few aches and pains; hardly anything that rises to the surface of my thoughts. 

It's National Novel Writing Month, aka Nal-Vel-Ing-Onth. What a world of possibilities! Let me check my recent notes on possible stories. (It's a list of ideas for stories that I feel only I could tell.) Hmm...we've got one here about me running into another me (think teleporter-accident clone, so one person diverged at a certain point but neither is actually the original). It's a comedy. The comedy comes from both of us definitely believing the other should not get to exist, but we don't want any collateral damage so we still have to live our lives and get our stuff done without anyone else noticing what's going on.

The other story is Titanfall 2 fan fiction, basically the story campaign for a hypothetical Titanfall 3. 

Because I like robots that can be our friends. Also after years of playing the game, I'm not entirely sure which side is supposed to be the bad guys. Both factions seem pretty content to expend massive amounts of treasure on military campaigns in order to pay less taxes or something. I don't think I'll tackle too much there; we just need a plausible reason to fight and this one is depressingly more than plausible.

We'll see what happens. There's time, of course. I tend to be pretty scheduled out, time-wise. Working, walking, whining. Takes up almost my whole day. There's always the weekend, when I'm not working. Maybe. Maybe. 

Another beautiful day. I got up on time, or I tried to but a bunch of dogs were standing on my chest and legs. The morning was crisp, and the bamboo was waving green and leafy in the breeze. One of the puppies spit up in the kitchen, but I didn't step in it. 

I've been a little lazy about my walking. I'm trying not to be. So far, so good. 

It's not cold enough to wear my coat, but hopefully it will be soon. It's a big grey coat with a hood. So cozy. 

I just squashed a massive mosquito that was flying wobbly away, having drunk her fill of my delicious O-Positive blood. I don't feel itchy anywhere yet, but in time the properties of the saliva will cause a violent itching and swelling. I mislike mosquitoes. I will admit they are an important food source, and pollinators, so I'll leave them be. For now.

I dreamed of a large, two-story house in between a triangular intersection. It was apart from other houses, in a little island of green space. It had no driveway, as it would have led right into one of the streets. I don't know what the dream real estate market it is like, but if it's like the waking world that house would still sell pretty easily, even if you couldn't park your car there.

Went out on Saturday night for Jake's bachelor party. It was great because we didn't do anything crazy. We went to a few bars, had craft beers and cigars, listened to some music, saw the city.

The worst thing that happened was some mild difficulty locating a speakeasy, which is rather the point of a speakeasy and is to be expected.

There's a mildew smell in the office. I wonder if that's something I should be concerned about.

"Hey!" I shout. "If there are any mind-controlling fungus back there, you better not try anything! If you take over my mind, you gotta take over all its problems, too! No take-backsies!"

 Rebuilding the habits time. Put on a groove, like "I Won't Be There" by Skinshape, and start thinking out loud. Talking to me, talking to that empty coffee mug, talking to that empty UPS box, and wondering what they would say. 

This last vacation was not particularly productive. Pleasant though. 

And perhaps only a little crazy. 

The weather is cool and I want to put on my long grey coat and walk around. Maybe I'll do that tonight. Try to walk all 3 dogs at once. If only I had a sled; they could pull me. 

Oh, I fertilized my bamboo. Little bit of composted steer manure. Good thing we have the puppy gates around the plants or the dogs would help themselves to a stinky snack. And the poor bamboo would get no nitrogen. 

I wonder how my nitrogen levels are? Probably pretty good. 

Here's bamboo clump Alpha in April:

And this was Alpha yesterday:

I'm pretty happy about it. Soon I will have a mighty bamboo forest. Perfect for dashing around mysteriously in.

I'm also experimenting with trying to bend the bamboo into a more vertical position. I'm only doing it on a few culms (aka shoots) to make sure I don't kill entire clumps. Seems to be working so far. 

What fun!

Sometimes life feels like a story. Especially when I start narrating everything. My friend D.C. said this is a normal writing thing. Well, not normal exactly, but common. He wrote a whole play about it. 

I've been busy, which is good. Something to occupy most moments. Walking, video games, reading. Also watching an actual television show. Tending to the bamboo.

I kind of want even more bamboo. I suppose the beauty of bamboo is that in time, I will have even more as long as I take care of it. 

Oh, I also need to decorate my house for Halloween. Put up some spooky tattered cloth. That would be pretty dang cool. 

It's a beautiful day. The morning was cloudy and cool; it felt like I was near an ocean. The bamboo I tied up to try to straighten is doing okay, and more shoots are coming up also. So much I don't know about these plants. 

When Kelly and I went to the zoo, we noticed many species of bamboo growing all over. It seems to be one of the dominant sources of plant life for our beloved desert zoo. I noticed that most of the time, it was growing in soil that looked, to me, like regular desert dirt, which is in most of my backyard. We got good soil and planted the bamboo in that, and I thought since the rest of our yard is dirt, the bamboo wouldn't really spread on its own. The zoo-grown bamboo leads me to believe otherwise. Our bamboo at home is clumping, so it should be easy to control. 

-Final entry, before the bamboo grew rampant and took over the world

Having a week off certainly shatters habits. Or were they already cracking? Of course they were. My routine is always fraying at the edges, eroded by the passage of time. On long journeys, one can forget why they began. 

Am I trying to be much better than I was, or kind of better? Really, my goals are to have a healthy heart, bones that don't break to easily, and to be able to lift heavy things due to my hidden passion for rearranging furniture. 

I've come to the conclusion that I should modify my diet a little. Maybe reduce sugar, and cut out refined sugar entirely. I'm not looking at is dieting, more like I will have to walk less each day to get the same results. Thus, I gain more time to do things besides walking. 

I'm trying to straighten my bamboo. For a while, my beloved plants did not put up any new shoots. In the past couple of weeks, most have put up at least one. A few places are difficult to walk between due to the way the bamboo is bending. I've used twine to try to straighten them a little and keep a path going.

Also yesterday, I received a mistaken delivery for groceries. Two gallons of whole milk and a Slim Jim. I contacted the delivery service and let them know. They said I could keep the food. I said really? Is this a trap? They said no. So I ate the Slim Jim. I'm still alive, so that's good. Raccoon powers are still activated.

Note to self: Make list of things to do around house.

Treat it like work, I guess. Get up and do the things. 

How long has it been since I just played games without streaming? Long time, I think. I do enjoy it, but I suppose it is adding some strain on my naturally introverted nature. Can't zone out and play the same way. Meh, it's fine. It raises money for the animals. I'd be playing anyway. All this extra thinking is probably good for me.

My nephew had a cold, and it wasn't Covid. I felt a bit lethargic this weekend. Was it cold-related? I can't tell anymore. 

I took my mom some shrimp last night. Perhaps I should go over there every Sunday evening. She just turned 72 and who knows how many Sundays we have left. That's true all the time, of course, it's a statistical thing now. It would be nice if she lived to be a hundred so I can pester her for a few more decades. Maybe I'll get magically rich and finish my degree. That would make her happy.

Also I do like animals and they are fun to study. Everyone wins!

Agriculture. Blarney. Chimpanzee. Dirigible. Entropy. Falarnum. Glib. Holstein. Imp. Jive. Kelp. Lobster. Mendicant. Nip. Offal. Periwinkle. Quintuple. Roster. Space. Tango. Uvula. Whiskey. Xenology. Yip. Zoroaster.

Break time, shake time, gonna do The Snake time.

What a world can accomplish, what a universe can deal with. Pull it apart like monkey bread.

Listen to everything. It can happen to you, if you're not listening.

The puppies keep jumping on the bed at night and trying to sleep up there. Might be time to get a bigger bed. 

Hey hey, the US is out of Afghanistan. Mostly. That war is older than this blog. 

And what have I accomplished in that same time period? Sleeping, mostly. 

Dread and foreboding, begone. I should pull some weeds this weekend. That always feels like an accomplishment. 

Oh and vacuum. And finally go through my closet and get rid of stuff. Who needs all this stuff? Not me, that's for sure. 

My video game is being attacked again. Titanfall 2 is my bread and butter in the streaming world. Not really, but it's definitely the best for my exercising. I tried playing some story games, which was also fun, but it was hard doing the voices and reading the story while walking not-slowly.

Ah well. 

I've been drinking a protein drink and it feels like it slows down my brain. No idea why it would, but it does. I think I need to go back to creatine. Might help my legs recover a bit faster.

Anyway, back to work. Must keep working at my real job. Streaming for a living seems like too much work, honestly. 

Ah, the delights of dealing with insurance. My make-brain-good medication is not the least-expensive out there, and on occasion I have to jump through a few hoops. It's funny, because even though I do have experience dealing with insurance issues, I still make the rookie mistakes, like not having all my information on hand, or phone numbers, or authorization numbers. It's mostly because in my job I have it all set up to deal with stuff like this and I can get most information with a click. None of us regular people have that. Not that I know of. 

Has anyone built such a system? I'm sure it could be done in Excel, but a personal system would be neat also. Of course, a lot of it would have to still be manual because no medical systems play nice with each other.

I've had this idea before.

Cold pizza for breakfast/because it's delicious/ because it is pizza/and I want to eat it

That is all I could think of this morning. Perhaps I'm trying to think of too many things and the default is pizza. It's a good fall-back plan.

Everything and all is an emergency, so what's the rush? 

Listen to music and listen to stories. That would be good. 

Sit around wishing on eyelashes and shooting stars

This weekend was fun. I went to my cousin Caro's birthday party at noon, and swam a bit, and then I went to my friend Amy's birthday party in the evening, and squeezed a Corgi. 

It was fun. We played "Pin-The-Mustache-On-The-Teddy-Roosevelt." It was Mai-Linh and Tyler's daughter Claire's idea. Pretty amazing. We all tried to stick fake mustaches onto a life-sized cardboard cutout of the 26th president of the US. Everyone was a winner! Especially Teddy.

Saw Matt, AKA Surly. I remembered that I was thinking about a roast. That would be fun. 

Am I writing now, I wonder, to reflect, or just remember things? Maybe I should set a time to read this thing from start to finish. I could respond to my past self and be like "see, that WAS a bad idea and you knew it."

Ha, like I'd have listened to me.

 

How exciting! I have no idea what I'm doing. 

Just gotta keep walking. What could go wrong.

I went in to the cafe next door and ordered breakfast. I'm not sure why. Other than I like breakfast. 

I do feel like I'm busy out of work now. So that's different. It's a good busy. Mainly I feel like there's a bunch of stuff I should be doing. Technology to acquire. Skills to learn. Capture cards? Overlays? Yes and yes. 

Also I have to call PayPal. And my insurance for coverage of my brain medication. Also two birthday parties to attend this weekend. I should vacuum. Yeah, I can vacuum real good.

Went out for dinner last night at Cock and Tails. It was great. Small place, with live music. I'd like to go again.

Last night I dreamed of a burning building. It was some kind of apartment complex with multiple living units, each with large glass windows. The fire was on the roof of the building, and slowly making its way downwards. I was running around it trying to help people get out. Some of them did, but a lot of them remained inside because they refused to believe there was a fire. In my dream, I was hurling large objects at the windows to try to smash the glass and drag the people out before the fire reached them. I cut myself pretty badly on my left arm and hand dragging people out through the windows. My friend Page was there too, and she insisted I patch myself up before I went back to try again, so I did. I remember feeling in that moment that I was possibly going to get myself killed trying to help people who didn't want to be helped. 

Tonight, I'll try to dream of puppies.

Hello! How are you? I'm good, thank you. I've been having a wild time. Four whole days off and I went to see The Suicide Squad, which was good, and I went to The Undertow, which was a great time. Now I'm back at work and doing the thing where I try to catch up with everything. 

There's a lot I have to learn about this video game streaming stuff. Probably should have spent more time checking that out on my time off. I did a little. Slowly but surely. It's like leveling up any RPG character. Unlock new abilities and figure out how they work with previous abilities. Can't try to do too much at once on your first play-through or you can get stuck with things you don't want.

I've been feeling pretty good though, overall. Like my beloved bamboo, I am growing in unusual directions, but still growing.

Wrap a little twine around it and everything should straighten out eventually. 

I dreamed of my little brother, Luis. He was a baby again, maybe a year old, and he was playing and he was happy. I wanted to stay asleep to see him. I'm trying to feel glad that I'm awake because now I can visit my real memories of him. 

My poor boy. 

I woke up this morning to find that I'm now considered an affiliate with Twitch. I'm not sure what this entails, but I know it involves me being "monetized." I think people will now get commercials or something when they try to watch me. I had the dream first, which means I think I need to set everything up so any money I make I can donate to Phoenix Children's Hospital. And I don't know...raise awareness? How to be a good sibling to someone with a chronic illness. There's already support for people with chronic illnesses, and I'm sure there are family counseling things like that. But maybe, just maybe, I can fit a niche with a group like "How to be a decent sibling and avoid the crushing regret that may arise, and no, it isn't alleviated by the fact that you honestly didn't know any better because you were also just a kid yourself."

I'm laughing through my tears here.

Hey, I try to let people know what they're in for. 

So yeah, that. Animal rescue too. Maybe some targeted fundraisers for families with a child that has chronic illness, and not to provide money exactly but something like a "master case manager" for families. So they can have all doctor info, insurance info, relevant chart notes, and all that stuff they might need. Yes, it would be a lot but in my line of work at least having the skeleton of an understanding of how to navigate the complexities of the system would help.

I remember being little and having no idea where all my little brother's medical equipment came from. How anything worked. How it was all connected. Our system is broken and I can't fix it, but I can maybe help people learn how to navigate it. This happens to families constantly. I know my poor mother still isn't very clear on insurance stuff even after everything. Luckily, my sister and I know that side now and can help her.

I don't know. Children's hospital and animal rescue. Maybe I can help. We'll see. 

Perhaps all the mistakes I've made have put me in a good position to give advice. My first piece of advice would be that every piece of advice is useful, but never completely accurate.

I'm listening to "Hold On When You Get Love And Let Go When You Give It" by Stars. It's made me thoughtful. 

I love the line "Take the weakest thing in you/ And then beat the bastards with it".

Yes, I do like this music thing.

It's a marvelous day. My bamboo is growing well. It suffered a little during that heat wave. It doesn't all grow particularly straight, but that's what I like about it. You do you, bamboo. I imagine it's reaching for more light. 

I know the feeling. 

I love this photo. What a wonderful life. 

There's certainly been a lot of self-reflection going on around here. It's always a good idea, I think. As long as it doesn't develop into crippling self-doubt. Even if it does, I guess I'm usually stubborn enough to power through it and keep going. If making an ass of myself were a real deterrent, I probably wouldn't be very good at anything. 

When I was streaming on Twitch and talking to people, I talked about how I used to be an incredibly shy, sensitive child and I felt like I was always ignored by people. Until one day, I'm not sure exactly when, I got tired of it and became loud and persistent. I decided that if people were going to ignore me, they'd have to put a lot more effort into it. I think I was always a friendly kid...the moodiness developed later.

I don't know. 

This Twitch thing has been interesting. I'm enjoying meeting new people. I worry that with my limited brain power, I can't really be a good friend to that many people, but I will try.

What else? The bamboo is recovering from the heat wave. Not sending up new shoots, except for Delta, but otherwise looking okay. The stalks aren't growing straight up. I'll have to look into that. Who says you need to grow straight, bamboo?! You are in my family now and you grow how you want!

What's weird (and this is weird) is that I seem to be working harder at my job now that I feel a little more fulfilled outside of it. Is that normal? 

I realized I used the word "fulfilled" but that's not quite right. I'm content; I think it is that I fluctuate between social butterfly and desert hermit. Maybe talking to people makes me think less about myself? 

Maybe it's also the fun of learning something new. Go brain go! 

Been very busy at ye olde work tymey job. What a world! 

I've requested a few days off next month to travel to Indianapolis. I will get burgers and tiki drinks and visit my friends Bianca and Coby. Fun will be had.

Oh dang I got to order me a fez. 

Finally taking a break today. Been busy, very busy. Matters of minor importance pile up like snowdrifts, swirl around me, and give the air that stillness of a winter evening.

It's been a lovely monsoon season, with more rain in the past week than we had during all of 2020. The house is covered in muddy puppy paw prints. I sleep well when it rains, and I've enjoyed it.

Humid though. In Arizona, we mock those who cannot handle the heat and then we fall apart when the humidity is greater than 2 percent. Our doors stick and our hair doesn't dry and we stomp and thrash and wail and cry.

I need a curtain rod, I think. Yes. That's exactly what I need.

It was a dark and stormy night. Last night my work office alarm went off and I had to come in and check it out. I arrived before the cops and I was afraid they would think I was the perpetrator. Luckily it was just the storm setting off the alarm. Still, I had concerns that I would be shot by the police. It was dark and stormy, after all.

But I'm fine.

Suit up.

Had a great time at the wedding. Got to spend a lot of time with Ryan and Trina, which is nigh unheard-of before a wedding. For the bachelor party, we went up to Big Bear Lake, California. Lovely little place. We didn't get particularly wild. Had some drinks, played some board game, and took in the local sights.

The wedding itself was lovely. The ceremony was pleasant, and the dinner and dancing was divine. The dancing went on relatively late into the evening, with everyone being kicked off the dance floor at 11:30 pm. We helped pack up and were in bed by 2 am to catch our flight out at 7 the next morning.

I was very happy in my tux and tails. I may have to explore obtaining my own...it is the 20's again, after all.

Woo hoo! I go to California tonight to enjoy a week of wedding activities. I am excited. Strange to have a whole week off...it's been a while. 

Note to self: Take lots of pictures. Maybe a few videos. Write a lot of stuff while I'm on the plane. Journal Idea: Non-stop writing for an hour and a half. I guess I could record a video of myself talking. 

Now I have to frantically wrap up everything I can here at work before I leave. And away we go.

Fascinating times. More DDoS attacks yesterday. I spent a goodly amount of time trying to play. Met some neat people through the Twitch chat. The frustration of not being able to play the game is mitigated by the excitement of meeting new friends.

I've been keeping to my workout schedule also, despite the gaming interruptions. I don't want a repeat of last November where I kept quitting halfway through. I like being under 210 pounds. I'm not going to diet of course, but I may employ strategies to make sure I am less inclined to gorge myself on all the sweet sweet foods. By not letting myself get too hungry, firstly. 

I had a dream about my friend. She had a home high in the mountains, and I was employed as a monster hunter. I roamed the wilderness keeping the area clear of threats. Mixed feelings, of course. We are building in the environment of the monsters, and it's not their fault they go after stuff that enters their territory. Also I tangled with other monster hunters in the area who just wanted to wipe out everything. 

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if my friend (in the dream) was even aware of the monsters, or knew what I was doing to try to keep her safe. Dreams rarely let you have a frank conversation about the best way to handle the situation.

I've got a bit of pain in my left hand, just the outermost two fingers. Mostly around the knuckle. I haven't been punching anything. I note it here in case it gets worse. Might just be from video gaming. 

We'll see. 

It was a normal day in the old internet world yesterday. My game was working and I was happy. I walked at 15% incline and hit a blazing walking speed of 3.8 miles per hour. Didn't even have to take a break. I'm feeling pretty good. 

I think that I'm finally over the hump, so to speak, of this exercise thing. I've found a sustainable daily exercise routine that I look forward to doing, and even enjoy. I'm also at the point where the pain is quite low overall. Which is great because I assumed getting older meant everything would just hurt more and more forever.

This week off will likely have quite an impact on me, but it doesn't have to. It can be good to take a break. Some actual muscle recovery, you say? Could be cool...

I've been having interesting conversations on the Twitch stream sessions. I've was called "wholesome", which I found very amusing. I prefer to think of myself as sort of half-Zen. I try to be aware of my own thoughts, state of mind, and even strive for a certain level of emotional self-control. I also get fussy and grumpy and righteous and yell about things. The difference now is that I have a context for what I used to consider "negative" emotions. I don't feel bad for having them, or even acting on them, as long as I don't rely on them as the primary source. I want to be able to do what I want to do, as well as feel however I feel. I'd say balance but they're not opposites; more like different propellers on a boat. You can some pretty cool stuff with two independent propellers.

Yesterday was wild on the old internet video games scene. I spent two and half hours attempting to play Titan Fall 2. In the meantime, I was streaming the whole thing on Twitch. I think because so many of the usual players weren't able to play combined with natural curiosity about the situation, I had 57 people stop by and watch. Lots of people to talk to while I constantly got booted out of the game. Allegedly, the person responsible for the Denial of Service attack was even in the chat. They were accusing others of being the hacker too. 

It was wild, and a lot of fun. I have no aspirations to monetize my Twitch channel (same with my YouTube channel, and this very blog) although I am not sure what option I have exactly with Twitch because I think they'll start running ads on my stuff based on viewers. I'm not really sure. I may look into it.

The chaos was enough to keep me interested in walking, so that was good. I walked the entire time. 

I'm not sure what challenges will be like today, but we shall see. I joked on the stream that this right here, trying to log in and staring at a loading screen, this is the game now. This is how I play it. 

Maybe it will become true. We shall see.

Yesterday was an exciting day in the world of Titan Fall 2. There appear to be ongoing Denial of Service attacks on players. Many, many, players. Very interesting times indeed.

That's not what was originally on my mind. There is more to my life than video games. Isn't there? I have been interacting with more people...through video games. Wait...

Shoot I need to get ready for this wedding. Pack up whatever I can ahead of time. Get ready for the flight out. Put my Twitch stream on Vacation Mode. Should I take my laptop? Pretend to "get some work done" when really I'm working on a novel about a haunted house?

Definitely something I should be planning now. Or at least this weekend.

I did spend time on Monday cleaning up the house. Dusting and vacuuming and dishes and stuff. My beloved Mabel dog, with her soft fur, is shedding quite a bit. 

I think I've been sleeping okay. What's my blood pressure again? 137 over 78. It was anyway. I've lost a bit of weight so I'll check it again tonight. Oh yeah I need to call my pharmacy also. Better do that now. Here I go!

I feel really stupid. Over the weekend, I asked my nephews to bring their dog, Stark, over to play with the puppies. She gets along with the puppies just fine, but our older dog, Marceline, is kind of a jerk. They've been in the same house for hours at a time before, but of course when dogs are seeing each other after a time apart, they are in a high-energy state and it's the most likely time for something to go wrong. 

I feel stupid because I was on Twitch talking to some new people who were really funny and we were just cracking each other up. I told my nephews to just let the dogs run it out in the backyard (and I put a cone on Marceline because dogs don't feel tough when they're wearing the cone of shame.) But I didn't monitor them. Marceline ended up biting Stark on the front leg, pretty significantly. Stark didn't hurt Marceline, which is kind of surprising because Marcie is about 40 pounds and Stark is almost twice that, at 75 pounds. Stark was just running around playing like normal with her leg bleeding. I felt anger at myself, and shame that I put playing with online people I don't even know over monitoring the interaction of the dogs. Compounding of mistakes. If I was smart and lazy, I could have just put Marceline in the bedroom and let Stark play with the puppies for a bit and avoided having any introduction issues.

My sister took Stark to the vet and they gave her a few stitches. Said she'll be fine. 

In a way, I feel like a parent who wants all their kids to get along. Be one big happy family. But what I want has no bearing on what is. Now that Marceline has bit Stark hard enough to need stitches, it's more likely that the next interaction will be a negative one because of this experience.  Marceline is willing to bite hard enough to break skin, and if Stark feels like enough is enough, she could easily mop the floor with Marceline. 

Maybe I can get a giant hamster ball and put Marceline in that, or I guess a muzzle if I want to be practical about it.  Dang dogs. Dang me. 

One thing done, one thing fun, two things run and background sun.

Life is simpler after the war.

My beloved label maker has stopped functioning. Time to say goodbye. Goodbye.

More and more I deal with loss. But gain is there too. Wobbly and uneven, but there.

There's a long weekend coming up and I have no plans. Walking as usual. Maybe breakfast with the boys on Saturday. I really should clean the house a little. Do some yard work. The mundane can be grounding.

I made some pancakes last night. I put in too much milk because I can't read directions so they came out more like crepes. They still tasted good, but they were not what I intended.

It rained and stormed and was generally moody last night. It was pleasant. The bamboo got a little extra water and the pups got to bark at the thunder and then run inside when the thunder barked back.

Sometimes it's hard to figure out if you're growing stronger or weaker. Exercise and then the next day the pain is there. There's a point in which pushing yourself does more harm than good. Not enough recovery time perhaps. Change, adapt, overcome. Or, keep doing the same thing and hope for some internal, previously secret ability manifests at the last moment.

I don't take anything, not even aspirin. Maybe I should take one today.

Everything matters, surely. Not everything matters the same?  Hmm...

There is much to do. Water the bamboo. Walk. Book a flight. Make a sandwich.

Oh dang I forgot to buy garlic at the store. Noooooo...

My life is not hard. I'll just get some later.

I've been feeling very distracted. More so than normal. What am I not doing that I should be doing? 

Probably a few things.

Oh yeah eye exam. 

Need to see to do most things I do. 

Yesterday was good. I walked and talked, and ate a lot of beans and rice. Watered the bamboo, played with the pups. Thought about vacuuming. Didn't.

I dreamed of the family dog, El Guapo, aka The Noobers. He was climbing in a dog-sized hamster tube. Pretty unusual for him, even in dreams. Usually he's just noobing around.

I've got a wedding coming up! Very exciting. Get to wear a tuxedo.

I should practice my impromptu speech-giving.

"Webster's Dictionary defines 'unprepared' as..."

I've been meeting people on Twitch and it's been fun. And yet, I am wary. 

Oh shoot I gotta pay bills. I'll be back.

Whoa I must have slept really hard because my neck is hella sore. Combine that with my upset stomach and I'm potentially a very grumpy Gurg. I'm not though. But that could change. Watch yourself. 

Heading up to Flagstaff today. Should be fun. May not be able to eat anything for the whole trip, but who cares? I'm a food camel. I can go days without food. I store energy reserves in my mighty hump.

Look it's me! 

Not now, tummy, not now. I'm working here. I'm taking some board games to the cabin. Ticket To Ride (Europe), Splendor, Haunted House what is betraying...wait Betrayal At The House On The Hill. That's it. And Dixit. 

I wonder how much weight I would lose if I didn't eat in three days? I'm pretty sure I consume about 2500 calories a day. I've also got moderate amount of muscle, which isn't cheap, biologically. 

I guess I'll find out. 

I've downloaded a few podcasts of This American Life to listen to on the way up. The boys have their phones so they'll likely be on those the whole time. What a world. 

I am in too deep. Wait, no, it's just a tidal wave. I'm at the same elevation, just gotta wait until the wave passes.

Grief needs a sponsor. There's money to be made.

Tomorrow, the boys and I head out to Flagstaff. It's a risk, them being teenagers and all. How will they respond to a road trip with a parental figure? Will it awaken their inner rage?

Maybe. 

Am I worried about it? I suppose I am. We've never had any major ideological differences. I'm much more pragmatic now in my old age. Or rather, I'd say I'm much more aware that ideals are for the person holding them, and the world in no way is under any obligation to accommodate them. There is no friction-less vacuum for practical application of ideas. And now here's a bunch of photos of my bamboo. I need to label these rascals. Also included is a fig tree.

Beware the caged bamboo! It bites, it fights, it scratches, it claws. The roots rise up and snatch your shawls!

Whoa, turned on the old laptop, started to write, and then it immediately shut off. Note to self: my electric field is shutting down the world. Smart.

I stayed up way too late last night. Watching Katla on Netflix. Solaris on ice. I enjoyed it. I don't enjoy being tired. Yet here we are.

Heading up to Flagstaff on Thursday with the nephews. Things I need to do: fuel up vehicle. Get snacks. Pack some clothing. Book a flight for next month for the wedding.

I forgot that I have a bunch of time off coming up. 

Oh shoot. I just canceled Watson's dog license. I had an impulse to renew it. My poor boy.

So much to do. 

Dancing hedgehog, also trained to carry snacks stuck to its quills. Spines? Porcupines have quills. Hedgehog quills don't detach but they're still quills, I think. 

Training a hedgehog is too difficult; I'll get a large rat and put a little snack backpack on it. 

That's my only big idea for the day.

My bamboo is growing well. Each plant has put up a shoot and one even has double shoots! It's very exciting. I should be taking pictures. I must love these bamboo clumps a little because I've been willing to do yard work for them. Nothing major, just getting out the weed-wacker and clearing the clumps of desert grass growing around them.

What is the shape of the prize?

Shade. Shade is the prize. 

There's a new weight-loss drug (well, a drug that is now approved in such a way that it can help weight loss) that helps curb your appetite. Fascinating stuff. Why, soon we may never need to feel hungry again, even when we are starving. 

I'm not against it. Biology is complicated and the human body has a hilarious sense of humor. Like how burning fat and getting healthy will make most people crave more and less-healthy food. And how the body can lock up fat and just never ever let it go. 

This drug is probably going to be very expensive also. 

But I'm not here to talk about drugs and weight loss. I'm here to talk about my profound struggle for meaning in a system that views me as a commodity. Are my very emotions part of this? All my desires, yearnings, dreams, hopes, romance, adventure, being cultivated by a culture that needs me to keep buying things without realizing there is no hope at all?

Jokes on them. No hope is when I have all the hope. Because of my depression, I think. 

I'm happy growing my bamboo. That's a good thing. 

My back is a little stiff. Perhaps I should hunt for a new pillow. Also stop lifting with my back instead of my legs. 

Yeah let's try the pillow thing.

I thought of something interesting. It's gone now. My bamboo is growing well. Clump Charlie put up two shoots at the same time. Crazy. 

I ate breakfast this morning and now I feel slow. My poor body is used to not eating any breakfast and now it thinks it's night, like throwing a blanket over a bird cage.

We're part of a secret society, you see. Why am I telling you? Because I'm not very good at being in a secret society. If I was in your secret society, I'd be much better.

There is much to think about. Much to debate. Ideas to take out and battle behind the old philosophy shed.

Many things. 

There is still a sense of loss. Of old injury that will never heal. It hurts less, though, and that is useful. Or perhaps the pain is the same, and I'm just bigger?

I can help people, I think. I forget that sometimes. I talked to my mom the other day. I'm sure she needs my help with something. My dad can do some stuff, but I'm still the strong one in the family. Surely something heavy needs to be moved about.

Bah. Bah I say. Not just me; the whole secret society says it. Bah! Like a sheep with a bit of congestion. Little bit of cud stuck in the old craw. 

Bamboo clump Foxtrot has a new shoot! That makes five of the seven, I think, that have put up shoots. What fun! 

I also got a new fez. It's fun.

It's a little smaller than my last fez, and I can't decide if I like the snug fit. Seems ideal for dancing and general cavorting because it's less likely to fall off. I'll have to test it out.

Dreams have been wild. I blame/credit my experimental pillow. In one dream I was outfitted with a bionic augmentation for my left foot that screwed directly into my toes. 

Sounds like someone is on the roof. The AC people were going to install some kind of upgraded system, but they said that some time ago and I had given up all hope.

I suppose I will find out, in time.

I stayed up way too late. After my walking, I took a nap. It was unwise to do so. Should have held out.

Tonight is another chance. 

The nephews have a birthday coming up. They will turn fifteen. Impressive rascals.

What else the hell am I doing? Not much. 

No idea what's going on. Busy as usual. With work, mostly. Growing bamboo and playing video games. Getting woken up by dogs licking my face. The puppies have been pretty good actually; they've gone weeks without going potty in the house at night. It wasn't common, but it wasn't uncommon and I was getting worried that they wouldn't grow out of it. I'm also much better about making sure the last thing I do before I go to bed is to take them outside and make them walk around. They have me trained, you see.

Now I sit and sip Mountain Dew and type my thoughts and ignore my feelings and the pain in my knee and shoulder and ponder that maybe that's what makes older people formidable fighters that they are already constantly in pain and what's a little more among friends.

I've made a pact with myself that every time I hear "Upwards Over The Mountain" by Iron and Wine, I will text or call my mom. It's that line, "Mother remember the blink of an eye when I moved through your body?"

Oh, and I'm taking the boys up to Flagstaff at the end of this month. Got invited along with a family friend, and it's their birthday month so why not. 

Diamond shoes tapping down a silver lane.

The key to separating real memories and false ones is the additional sensory information. 

I remember seeing an experiment where people were asked to observe a couple having a picnic for a brief period while taking pictures, and then after the people left, the couple was photographed doing a few other activities. Later, the participants were shown photos of events they observed and photos of events they didn't observe, like playing frisbee. Then they were asked to recall which ones really happened. And of course, they often believed they had observed the staged events because they were remembering seeing the photos.

I suppose if I knew I was being experimented on, I could pay extra attention to the sounds and smells of each event, or even pinch myself to increase the sensory information attached to teach memory. Less likely to be fooled.

I cut my hair last night and I feel better. I just like not having hair. 

Setting a timer is a small crime, I think. 

I meant to cut my hair yesterday, then I didn't.

What everyone needs is warmth. Like my warm towels. Very relaxing. 

It's Tai Chi; it's Judo.

It's a single hair follicle growing out of scar tissue.

I noticed you. I knew you. I was not ashamed.

Everything builds up.

We could have been the good guys.

Everything builds up. Junk mail sent forever to all the past occupants of a home.

A ten-minute song.

I wonder how many of my sentences start with "I". 

Grandiose tortoise. 

No sore throat today. And yet I remain suspicious. 

Is there much to do today? I think there is. Stop by the pharmacy. Dust. I can type with my head down not even looking at the screen. Will that change anything? More errors probably. Or maybe fewer? When someone is watching you type, you make more mistakes. Therefore, when no one is watching you type, not even yourself, you will become more accurate than ever. Amazing. I've solved it. I am genius boy with brain that is good. Time for pie.

I'm much happier when I'm not trying to fix anything. Not everything needs to be optimized. There is a freedom in accepting that . It will take some adjustment. Like not putting two spaces after a period. See you in hell, old-school typing rules.

Oh, one of my medications couldn't be filled because the doctor put the wrong year, 2020 instead of 2021. Thus, my refill is coming a little later than expected. I wonder how this will change me. If it will change me. But I wonder that about everything. 

Am I getting sick? Temperature is normal. Hard to tell with all my various allergies. Sometimes I'll get a sore throat and nothing else. Then it goes away by the end of the day.

I ended up not buying that fez I wanted. I got it for my friend as a birthday present. It's coming up next month. I hope it arrives in time.

Dang it, I forgot to pull the weeds in the front yard. I did trim the grass away from the bamboo. Quit competing with my giant bamboo, tiny grass! You are not wanted here.

My nephews got their second dose of the Covid vaccine. In two weeks, we will hit up our favorite buffet. 

Every good thing.

Must do their driving lessons also. 

If I wasn't sick, I definitely felt off this weekend. Sleep? Not enough water? What is it? What's down there, burrowing in my soul? Melancholy mole, sand shrew of suffering? Gopher of gout?

Another day, another fez. 

I do enjoy wearing my fez on occasion, and when this one popped up on Fez-o-rama I pretty much had to get it. It's an octopus, with tiki drinks, and it's wearing a little fez. Literally a hat on a hat.

There's another black fez that might look good for formal occasions. It's got a mystery die on it. 

There's a lot I like...just not the teal. (I just learned that the color teal gets its name from a bird, the Eurasian teal, that has a teal-colored stripe on its head. Smart bird, to name itself after the color named after it.)

Okay that makes me like teal a little more. 

That D-20, it mocks me. What then, do I feel this fez is saying? That I love tabletop games and brilliantly-colored water-fowl?

I suppose I will be going to the tiki convention next year, and it might be nice to have a selection of fezzes to wear. If that's going to be my thing. Suits and fezzes. I do have a tan suit as well that might go with this. 

Bah. Why am I doing this. Why am I doing anything. 

Busy day, working the phones and hustling the jive turkeys to give up that double-sweet moon cheese. 

Wait that's not what I do at all

Well I was on the phone a lot. 

I must have slept okay last night. Often that will help the hustle. I was also able to finish my workout with no real problems.

There were very few moments today when I had to grit my teeth and growl at myself to "Shut. Up."

What else? Bamboo is growing and I am pleased. I suppose I must be patient. 

Twitch streaming is odd. I stream through my PS4 Pro and I can see comments and how many viewers are there. I suppose I could get a camera to show my face. But do I want to? Not really. 

Okay I'm fine. Got my medication and all is well. Should be steady for at least another three months. The cost of non-generic medications is fascinating. I have learned (way late but better than never) to get manufacturer coupons to reduce the out-of-pocket costs. Such an odd system. 

I had a tiny bit of a sore throat yesterday morning. It's gone now, but I worry. Also felt a little off. Didn't finish my workout. Maybe I'm just lazy?

I spread some rocks around the backyard. By the side of the house. Dust. Dust is the enemy. Maybe I just need paranoia-style plastic sheets to hang up. I can wrap duct tape around old boards and nail them up to look crazy. I think I want to live in a haunted-looking house. Actually I know I do.

A long time ago I was thinking about making conical, tooth-like structures for the front yard. Not sharp, but enough to look like dog teeth. Building materials are getting more expensive right now so it's not a terribly good time for a vanity project but still...

Houndstooth!

That was close. It still may be close. Took my last brain pill this morning. My brain doctor and the pharmacy can't seem to get on the same page. I've been told that I should be able to get a refill today. I'll keep an ear out. I don't recall ever going off this medication for any period of time and I'm unfamiliar with what to expect.

This weekend, I went over to Emma and Chris's house to play Magic: The Gathering and eat food. I didn't play any Magic, but I did eat food. Magic is a game I enjoy playing, especially when I haven't paid for it. The cost of new cards was significant back when I was playing. It's a fun hobby and I could easily rationalize it then. I cannot do so now.

Bamboo plant Gamma sent up a shoot. I am pleased. Four of the seven have sent up shoots that I noticed. Tis a good sign. 

I am running out of time, it feels like. Byproduct of being so busy at work. Starts to leach into the outside. Perhaps I can channel this emotional effluence and sluice out something useful. What I'm tired of is being passive. 

No, what I'm tired of is not creating things. Disorder, disorganization, dissonance. A little chaos is fine; it's the clutter I can't stand.

Things might get interesting here if I don't figure out this prescription thing between my doctor and the pharmacy. Each is saying the other isn't sending what they need. I can probably get a way with a few days without but I'll probably have to tape my mouth shut so I don't grump at everyone.

Long weekend coming up, so I will enjoy it while it lasts. 

Twitch streaming? I'm still doing that. I don't think anybody watches me, but I do like having the ability to record my gameplay and pull clips of wacky moments. Not that I have, or will but I like that the option exists. 

Going out to dinner tonight with some old friends. How delightful!

I'm going to miss not being the only one in the office. I'll have to play my music in my headphones again instead of just through my phone speakers. I liked having uncluttered ears, dang it.

The treadmill walking was nice yesterday. Emma came on to the chat and we talked for a bit. Really took my mind of the actual walking which was nice. I'm steadily building back to where I was before the Tiki convention.

Did I mention I was propositioned (sexually) at the convention? A pretty blonde woman who appeared a bit drunk came up to me and said "So what do you want to do?" I asked her what she meant. She said "I'm here, you're here, so what do you want to do?" I did what I usually do and began discussing philosophy. "It is bad when one thing becomes two" and I think I brought up Tolstoy "What is not given to man is to know his own needs". She kept turning the conversation back to saucier topics. What puzzled me was that her husband was sitting right there. He looked completely out of it and was slumped in a chair in the hotel lobby. She had gestured to him early in the conversation and said something like "Look at my husband; he's useless!" 

After going around and around for a bit, I asked if she would like a hug. She said she would. I gave her a big hug and said it was nice talking to her. Then I went back to my hotel room. 

Started watching a video about how motivation works and schooling is built on a mistaken idea of grading as an accurate measure of skill but I didn't finish it. I'll finish it. Rewards take away the joy was my takeaway. The joy of the thing. I wonder if the video answers if punishment takes away the joy of the thing? 

Fascinating stuff. 

I'm at work and I now have to take incoming calls from physicians with questions. I hate it because it interrupts whatever I was working on, but also I love it because I'm really really good at it. I'm supposed to kind of guide it to the person who can fix it but if I can fix it, I will fix it. Going back to the the reward thing; I'm not measured on whether I solve the problem or not, but all my other work (that is being interrupted) is actively monitored and that might "motivate" me to not be as helpful. We'll see what happens. I like helping. It's strange, you know? My job is to help, and I enjoy it, and the main stressor is the time in which I have to do it. Feeling like I can't really accomplish what I want to accomplish with the resources I have. Which is normal. Still, I resent this very normal and mundane aspect of life.

Oh, we got a new dishwasher today! Woo-hoo!

What a world.

I've been experimenting with fire. I don't like the hair on my knuckles and I saw this barber trick where they use lighters to singe off ear hair and I thought, hey why not.

It works, although the smell of burning hair tends to linger.

And now we return. To what? To the discoteca. 

Yesterday, I used the power of math to attempt to improve my life. I used a tape measure to ensure that my treadmill was the correct distance from the wall, that is, not askew. It raises up and down when I use it, and in doing so shifts slightly over time. I have long suspected that when it gets too offset it causes more pain in my knees and feet since I'm walking at a slight angle.

After walking on my newly-mathed treadmill yesterday, I feel no pain in my knees or feet this morning. This is only corollary evidence, not causal, but it's a good sign. My little victories.

My buddy Ryan is having a bachelor party in a cabin in the woods. Hopefully we don't awaken any ancient evils and have to battle elder gods for the fate of humanity. I was promised whiskey tasting. 

Perhaps a cigar. I don't remember if I like cigars. They're a kind of evil?

I've been enjoying my bamboo garden, such as it is. The giant timber bamboo thrusts forth new shoots and it's very exciting. 

The buffelgrass grows around the bamboo stalks to steal the water. I weed-wack it down. Then I place the puppy gates back around the bamboo to protect it. I am briefly reminded of the Little Prince caring for his rose. The puppies gnash their teeth against the glass patio door in anger.

Someday perhaps the bamboo grove will envelop the entire yard, and it will be easier to basket-muzzle the pups instead. 

Or I will construct for them giant hamster-balls.

Ah the joys of owning puppies. Vet visit this morning for Miss Mabel. Had a bit of vaginitis. Now she gets to wear a cone for a couple weeks while the antibiotics work their science magic.

My feet feel good. My heart feels okay. My mind is swirling the water a bit. 

I will tend to my bamboo plants. Perhaps they will provide clarity with their bambooey ways.

Sitting here wondering what is this desire to find an audience. What is this craving to be seen. What is this yearning to be known, understood, dissected, disseminated.

It's prevalent, I know that. Or at least it seems to be. It's hard to gauge, I think, because surely there are those who don't want to be noticed and I bet they do a pretty good job of it.

As for me, I will continue to disguise myself by placing a warm towel on my face. 

I accidentally waterboarded myself yesterday while I was doing this. It tricked my brain for a moment while I was leaning back and letting the warm, damp towel cover my whole face. I could breathe, but because it's wet my instinct is to hold my breath. Then when I did inhale my brain thought I was breathing in water. 

Very tortuous; I was ready to tell me everything.

Or at least make something up.

Maybe I will break down and buy a facial steamer thing. They look pretty relaxing and I bet it's not prohibited by the Geneva Convention.

My feet feel better today. What if all my walking pains have been caused by my center of vision being askew this whole time? I remember a Women's Studies class I had where the professor was talking about holistic healing (not the quackery stuff, more like a medical doctor that approaches the body the opposite way specialists do). My professor had a pain in her leg, and she also had a vision issue in her left eye. The professor told the doctor "But the eye thing is unrelated" and the doctor said "You use your eyes when you move, so what makes you think it's unrelated?"

That reminds me, I need to see the eye doctor. Getting low on the contact lenses.

The ball of my right foot feels much better. Moving the TV so I'm centered again while Twitch broadcasting may have an effect. Or I got tougher. Maybe both?

I've talked about getting rid of stuff but I have yet to act on it. Today, an electrician is coming to the house to replace all the outlets and moving stuff makes me realize how much I don't like stuff. Or I guess I don't like the idea of stuff. 

Stuff why you do dis?

I walked and streamed on Twitch yesterday. I noticed I had one viewer almost the entire time. I wonder. Some of my friends might be kind enough to just throw on my channel but not actually watch it so I don't get lonely. The idea of this makes me happy.

My content goal is almost entirely non-existent, as this is just a thing to do while I'm already walking. And yet, I am human with a human brain and I do respond to attention and feedback and shiny things.

Outside of video games, I've started putting a warm washcloth on my face at work because it's incredibly relaxing. Why am I not doing this all the time? Oh right, the sogginess would damage my electronics. For now. 

There is much to do. Feel a sense of urgency in my bones. Perhaps a side effect of working jobs in which you are always given more to do than can be done. Anxiety? Not quite, although thematically similar. Yes, that's probably the result of feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something but I'm doing the wrong thing instead. What is my human brain forgetting?

Always something. 

I did the Twitch thing again yesterday. It was quiet. I had a troll the other day, someone popped in to tell me I was terrible and then disappeared. I laughed and said, "Yeah."

The ball of my right foot was tender this morning. I wonder if it's related to the Twitch streaming. The interface moves the "center" of my screen to the left, so now I'm not perfectly lined up when I walk. Is this affecting my stride? I expect it does. I'll tinker with it this evening.

At least I'm not falling off.

What do I want to accomplish by streaming my gameplay? Not much, really. If anyone wants to chat about random stuff that would be fun. I do enjoy a good argument. It's an opportunity for interaction, which I welcome, since I'm working out and any distraction from the difficulty will help me. 

Not something I want to do as a profession. The audience is the world, and the world is never satisfied. 

There's a world out there and it wants money. I've started broadcasting on Twitch because why not. I'm not sure what part of my soul I may have sold by accepting the terms of use agreement. We shall see.

It does add an element of motivation. I'm still walking while I play; I guess it feels a little less lonely if people can jump on and say hi or mock my gameplay.

This weekend I went out for sushi and also went to Undertow, the tiki bar. Slowly introducing myself back into the wild. 

I need a t-shirt that says "This is a comedic bit, not a strongly-held belief".

Or maybe just a shirt that says "Contains 0% strongly-held beliefs". 

Other ideas: 

"Insert Coin for Comedic Rant"

"No Idea What I'm Talking About"

Just a picture of Norm Macdonald

Some kind of sensor that measures how much I'm talking and my volume and lights up a meter that says "Bullshit-ometer". Ooh, or a gauge that goes from green to red, like a tachometer. Have it read my heart rate on my smartwatch. 

It's my birthday! I'm 39 years old. I'm at work, because I didn't want to take a Wednesday off and come back to work tomorrow. I'm taking Friday off. See, this is what wisdom brings; maximizing laziness.

I just read a cool article about writing with your mind. Yes, okay, we all write with our minds but this guy is paralyzed and he just imagines handwriting each letter and the program recognizes it. I immediately imagined how this could make writing easier for me, although I doubt it. Yes, my hands are clumsy and that's annoying, but my inner monologue isn't one floating sentence. It's more like a simmering stew of language and different words bubble out of it. I'd probably end up with a bunch of my favorite words. Like one of those word clouds.

Overall I think I feel pretty okay. An old friend just announced they were expecting a child and I was extremely moved. There is hope, yet. And who needs to sleep?

Did I dream? I did. Of what? Something mundane and domestic. 

Now I want to make a word cloud of the old blog. Let's see...

Now I remember what I was thinking of when I re-read Harrison Bergeron: that we have our own brain-interrupter devices called cell phones. Switches my brain from active mode to passive mode. An interrupt. A procrastinator's' dream device. "Engagement" is what companies want to see, tiny blips of neural activity to show them that I'm now receptive to their advertisements. Create a desire, offer a way to fulfill that desire. Move on to next desire.

I was just thinking about how I got in much better shape during the pandemic, and now I'm falling out of it because I keep leaving the house to do activities. Yesterday was a good day for exercising. I hope today is a good day for it too.

I try to imagine superheroes and other various great characters who have overcome hardship as motivation. Effort, regardless of strength or ability, is a spectrum. Learning how to put forth effort in an efficient way is a skill. The fuel for that effort, the willpower or motivation, is harder for most people. Everything is a trade-off, and when the external and internal sources are in conflict, that also takes up fuel. I imagine if there was a situation where the amount of food points I earned was directly related to the amount of working out I did, I'd be great at it because I get so dang hungry. 

Tie a pizza to a string and dangle it in front of my nose; I will carry you to the ends of the earth. 

Spent part of Sunday at my mom and dad's house, eating food and cracking wise. Afterwards, I helped Ender with his English homework. Analyzing short stories. A big part of what I did was just finding better resources for him to complete it. He was given a PDF of the story and worksheet that had no text recognition on it. I typed up the questions on a worksheet he could just fill out, and then I found searchable versions of the stories. Much easier to look up specific phrases, or examples. And much easier to quote the dang quotes they ask for. 

Was a good reminder for me. School initially trains us to be workers, not so much thinkers. I get frustrated often by the lack of holistic understanding in processes because I feel instinctively that it's something overlooked by my superiors. Now I understand it's not overlooked; it's sacrificed for efficiency. In a way, as an employee or student, the higher-up is expecting us to figure out and deal with whatever issues arise in meeting the stated goal. If those setting the goals see that they're being met, why worry about how they're met. My real value is being able to perform in less-than-ideal circumstances.

I am problem-solving bot. Beep bop boop. 

Storm surge feelings batter the rocks. I read The Scarlet Ibis by James Hurst and it broke my heart a little. I can see why schools are always teaching it to kids. I doubt they'll feel the impact of it the way many adults will. They haven't been alive long enough, and stories like these draw their weight from the life lived after the failure, the mistake, the world that comes after the one they love has gone.

Each day, another brick. 

A pessimistic optimist might say, "Look on the bright side! If it wasn't this, you'd just be regretting something else you did. Probably you would have made this mistake in some form, at least now it's out of the way and you can try to do better."

Now I'm going to shop for some colorful t-shirts with animals on them. 

"Sometimes I can't believe it/ I'm moving past the feeling" - The Suburbs by Arcade Fire

I enjoy the band, but I hate the mental image of an arcade on fire. I love arcades.

Birthday coming up. I'll be 39 years old. How interesting. I started this blog when? Was I twenty-something? Hilarious. Try the new middle-aged Guillermo, now with 30% less torment! Get yours today!

Overall I feel good. Okay physical shape. Aches and pains, but I've always had those. Sure, now I get them when I haven't been doing anything, but pain is pain. All those motorcycle crashes and impromptu marathons will catch up to a person eventually.

Didn't I mean to learn how to play the banjo at some point? Note to self: find out if anyone makes a banjo video game simulator. Banjo Hero. That's right, I meant to specialize in sad banjo playing. Mournful banjo dirges. Lugubrious plucking of a funny instrument. I like the incongruity. 

I wonder how long I'll live? Just out of curiosity. My life has been great and I've seen such beautiful things and loved (and been loved by!) such wonderful people. There are lots of things I'm sad about, certainly, and I know I've hurt people too. If a person would be happy that I'm dead, then I'm happy for them. Oh and the food! The food has been amazing. 

Maybe it's the combination of my birthday coming up and shaving my dad's head. He and my mom are both over 70. I mean, if I get another 30 years that would be pretty interesting. What the heck would I even do? Read books and troll people on the internet, obviously, but besides that. 

Oh that's right, the banjo.