Thursday, March 31, 2005

My friend Valerie at work is taking a photography class and she asked a few of us to help her out. Thus, one fine day we trudged out to a nearby park and she took a few photos of us. These two pictures are of me and Janelle. She's all-around stellar and has done modeling before. Most of the pictures turned out okay. Someone had joked that I should be a model. I replied that I could't be a model; I don't like people telling me what to do. Although, another model I knew told me I should be a model. She said I had a "universal look."

I want to say that these were the only two times anyone has ever told me I should consider modeling. I don't want to make it seem like everyone who meets me tells me "Darling, you're so beautiful! You absolutely must be a model!" Mostly, people just tell me to stop trying to steal their food and at least try to look like I'm working.

Speaking of work, Janelle and I both really like Napoleon Dynamite. Last week she made a drawing of my face (with gratuitous over-shading) that said "There's more where this comes from if you go to the dance with me. -Janellean Dynamite."

I wrote her a note, summoned my origami skills and folded it elaborately. Inside the note was a picture of a heart with the "No!!!" written inside.

After lunch that day, I'm sitting at my desk when Janelle saunters up, sets down an entire cake and then walks off. I'm sitting there confused as all hell. I look at the cake and written in red frosting is "Janellean (heart)'s Guillermo."

I look up and everyone in my entire unit is staring at me knowingly. "No," I protest weakly, "it's just a joke from the movie." I start blushing furiously. I admit I was confused.

Once the furor died off from that I was determined to respond in kind. I was scheduled to get off early that day and by the time I left the building I knew what I had to do.

I returned to work a short time later. I marched over to Janelle's desk (followed by a small crowd) and presented her with something wrapped in aluminum foil. "I caught you a delicious bass," I said.

She unwrapped it and shrieked "Eww!"

I had purchased an entire 2-pound fish at a nearby deli. Sadly, it wasn't actually a bass but some much cheaper type of fish. But it got the job done.

Janelle admitted that I had gotten her pretty good. Then The Promise by When In Rome began to play and we both went to the respective bathrooms to wash the fish juice off of our hands.
It's English Lesson Time!

Whenever a word has multiple definitions (or, in most cases, similar meanings with subtle connotations), the context will determine which use the author most likely intended.

Or you can ask the author, I guess.

When I used the word "malaise" in a previous post I was aware that there is the mental aspect of malaise and the physical aspect of malaise. In this case, I was referring to mental unease and moral ill-being at my work and not to a raging epidemic.

I understand that this may not be clear right away. However, I also believe that any questions on my word choice would be resolved upon further reading.

Firstly, since I am a low-level mail clerk, it is highly unlikely that my supervisor would seek out my prognosis on any medical matter. Perhaps if there was an illness going around that I absolutely knew was fatal, like the seemingly rampant crania-implodus, then my prognosis would be "You gonna die."

But alas, I am no doctor. So that's one strike against the physical meaning of malaise.

The second and most authoritative clue would have to be that in my reply I again fail to mention anything medical or physical. I even specifically use the word "mentality".

I hope this clears up any confusion. It is my desire that the aforementioned matter be understood by all. In other words, if you don't understand by now I would strongly suggest you look into a feeding tube.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Being a cubicle-dweller in a corporate environment has its share of hazards. Now, it appears I can add metaphysical bullying to the list.

Through the innovation of intra-office e-mail, (which allows annoying people to pester you from floors and even entire buildings away without leaving the comfort of their staling, climate-controlled workstations) I am inundated daily with forwarded jokes, chain letters, and even Power-Point presentations.

I bear these as gracefully as I can.

One thing I can no longer tolerate is that little message at the end of each one ordering me to "send this to X amount of people or you'll get Y amount of bad luck."
Even more absurd are the more specific claims that I'll receive a phone call with good news in a number of minutes vaguely related to the content of the message if I obey.

Now I consider myself open-minded. I've heard tales of items that are said to have mystical properties.

Some examples are King Arthur's Excalibur, the Necronomicon, the Spear of Destiny, and that Holy Grail all those British comedians were after.

Yet, in all my years of studying the occult, I've never come across anything proclaiming the awesome powers of the free Yahoo! mail account.

So whatever ancient, clandestine orders of priests, shamans, or druids that are trying to harness the mystic combination of jpeg animations and poor grammar need to stop sending me this nonsense. If they want to bring me harm I suggest they try something that actually works, such as cutting my brake lines. Or a voodoo doll.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Main Entry: mal·aise
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lezFunction: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at EASE

1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness
2 : a vague sense of mental or moral ill-being