Friday, May 13, 2005

My Birthday Present To Myself

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a pretty wild day/night. Not that it's over yet; I'm from the Jaden School of Birthday Celebrations so I intend to celebrate the entire month of May.

My day started off very well. I went into work for a few hours. Everyone thought I was crazy for coming in on my birthday. Poor, distrusting fools. I had to come in to work because I wanted to send out an e-mail. The following is what I sent to about forty of my co-workers and a handful of the people in charge of me:

Hullo everyone,

As I'm sure you are all already aware, today is the 23rd anniversary of the day of my birth. I took the liberty of stashing a couple kegs down in Archives so come on down on your break or lunch or whenever and say hello.

I would also like to announce that I am retiring from the insurance game. I am confident that my record of 134,000 wins, 0 losses, and 4 draws will go down in the annals of mail clerk history.

Exactly two weeks from today will mark my one year anniversary with this insurance company. That day will also be my last day with insurance company. I'm sure the timing is just a coincidence but you numerologists can kick that around if you'd like.

For your listening amusement, I have attached a cheesy song that expresses my feelings the way only a harpsichord and a pair of bongos truly can.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.


Guillermo Lopez
aka Willy B
aka Grr
aka Scotty McSurance
aka That Guy Sleeping Under The Desk

PS. What I said about the kegs in Archives...that was a lie. I'm sorry.

"Are you the brains of this operation?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't think this is a brains kind of operation."

-Way of the Gun

“Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings."

—Arthur Rubinstein

Attachment: "Two Points For Honesty" by Guster.

Then I was asked to print out an actual letter of resignation. I obliged and gave my supervisor this:

May 12, 2005

To Whom It May Concern,

Know all ye present that I, William Lopez, henceforth and herewith do tender my intention to resign from this insurance company in precisely one fortnight from the date of this communiqué, in accordance with the customs of this civil and prudent institution.


Associate #36845


I feel good. Oh, and watch your backs, numerologists. You know what day this is.

Oh, and Luis posted.