Monday, November 24, 2008
Given the meteoric success of the Twilight series (essentially a Harlequin Romance novel about star-crossed lovers whose conflicts are vampire-related instead of the traditional physical and substance abuse problems), I've been pitching my idea for a novel to various publishers.
Here goes: Our teenage protagonist, Moola McEverygirl, has moved from the bustling city of Tucson, Arizona, to Laketown, Minnesota to work out her father issues with her father. Moola is modestly hot girl, the kinda sorta hot that comes from being average-looking when most other peers are still hip-deep in the awkward-looking teenage phase. Moola enrolls in the local high school. She notices an attractive, muscular, guy with pale skin, dark hair, and a slightly green complexion. His name is Puddles Killington and all the girls are in love with him because he is so aloof and mysterious and vaguely described that he is easily projected upon.
Moola and Puddles are instantly attracted to each other and proceed to be extremely awkward about everything. One particularly awkward day, Moola, who is a terrible driver, loses control of the up-armored humvee her father purchased from the Army surplus store and drives it into a lake.
Suddenly, all of a sudden, and out of nowhere, Puddles appears underwater and pushes her vehicle back onto land. That's right; Puddles Killington and his family are Nessies. They moved to Minnesota from Loch Ness to live among humans and go to high school...for some reason. The Killington Family is different than other Nessies because they refuse to pose for blurry photographs.
Moola and Puddles are awkward and uncertain, but they know they are in love because it says so in the book. Puddles is much older than Moola, from a time when women couldn't vote or own land and it was still legal to beat your wife, but he and Moola have some of the same CD's and they're both in high school so they are in love.
Puddles has a hard time expressing his feelings, and the situation is made more difficult because The Council of Nessies has forbidden relationships between humans and Nessies because it is deemed too stupid. It would be like dating a very rich Furry. And sex between humans and Nessies is not forbidden, but the Council released a pamphlet warning against it because Nessies have extremely cold penises, which makes sense because their entire bodies are ice-cold and it would be weird. And also the point of vampires drinking blood was a metaphor for the relationship between men and women so when you add sex to the mix their is little point in it.
Still, cold penises are just weird. I believe the Urban Dictionary defines a chilled erection as an "ice pick", which is very difficult for most males to achieve. Urban Dictionary does not really define it as such, but it should.
What? Oh, and there are other problems. The local Minnesotan Native Americans that live on the lake have an ancient grudge against the Nessies because the native people are really...Bigfoots. They fight each other for control of territory, but neither side has ever won because Bigfoots can't live in lakes very well, and Nessies have no interest in living in the forest and eat fish anyway. Anyway, arbitrary magical blood-feud!
Then Moola becomes attracted to a local Bigfoot, because the Bigfoot represents the archetypal burly, ruggedly handsome guy that is warm-blooded and your own age, while the Nessie represents the effeminate, hip male that might possibly wear women's jeans and is given to feeling conflicted when deciding between listening to Chopin or My Chemical Romance for the next month.
The conflict of the first book, Murk, and the rest of the series, New Tide, Rip Current, and Breaking Wave, will be basically the same. Moola wants something from Puddles, Puddles can't or won't give it to her, the Bigfoot offers Moola what she wants, Moola can't choose, and Puddles family and Bigfoots fight the whole time.
At the time you the publisher decide that the series has become unprofitable, Moola will pick one or the other and live happily ever after with her magical baby, Alia the psychic daughter from the Dune series.
After all the books are written, I will re-write the first book from Puddles's point of view. I predict the book will go on record for every sentence ending with a question mark.
Thank you for your time. Please notify me immediately, and I will accept my advance in cash.