Friday, December 17, 2004

"Inter-office Nerd-dom"


I received one of those delightful forwarded e-mails at work yesterday. It read as follows:


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington Chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume
in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


Not to be out-nerded and quite eager to idle away my remaining time at work, I responded.


The student's answer to the test question is an admirable effort, but it is
incomplete.


The student has overlooked a third possibility.


Boyle's Law, again, states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.


He concluded that if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then there would lead to an increase in
temperature and pressure until all Hell breaks loose.


He also concluded that if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.


However, he completely overlooked the possibility that if the volume of
Hell is expanding proportionately as souls are added, then the temperature
and pressure will stay the same.


I believe the latter to be the most likely of the three possibilities. My
support for this is as follows:


Firstly, astronomists have recently discovered that, contrary to the
prevalent theory of entropy, the universe is not decreasing in its speed of
expansion, but actually increasing.


And it would have to be increasing. As our astute chemistry student friend
pointed out, "With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially." This should sound
familiar by now: In accordance with Boyle's Law, we now have our
proportionate expansion of volume to accommodate an increase in souls while
still maintaining a constant temperature.


Secondly, the planet Earth, relative to the universe around it, remains at
a fairly constant temperature. This is pretty remarkable considering the
universe contains examples of temperature fluctuations in the millions of
degrees.


What does this all mean?


The conclusion I have reached is this: We are in a place that maintains a
constant temperature in a universe that is expanding in volume at an
increasing rate.


Or, to put it more succinctly:


We are in Hell.


I could be wrong, though. After all, I've never taken a chemistry class.


Courtesy,


Guillermo Lopez


Your Friendly Neighborhood Mail Boy

Thursday, December 16, 2004

I am not a difficult person to outsmart.


I know this to be true because I outsmart myself all of the time.


The most recent time was a couple of days ago after I had taken my Italian final exam. Our class had agreed to meet at a nearby restaurant at 7 pm. Having completed the final by 6, a number of us made our way to a bar within walking distance of the restaurant. A couple sake bombers later, we realized that we were 10 minutes late and scrambled off to meet the rest of our class.


As I found a place at the table, one of my classmates, Tiffany, walks up to me and plops down my jacket. I had left it at the bar and she had gone back for it. I thanked her as profusely as two sake bombers would allow.


Upon recognizing that I was in a forgetful state of mind, I ran to my car and threw my jacket in the trunk so that I couldn't possibly leave without it. After a moment's thought, I opened the car door, took out my cash, and threw my wallet under the front seat. I then proceeded to completely erase the event from my memory with the aid of various Italian wines.


I was a little disappointed when I found my wallet. I had been hoping that I would have to embark on an epic journey filled with great deeds, colorful characters, and farcical misunderstandings. And in the end, I would find my wallet and realize that what began as a journey to look for my wallet became a journey to discovery myself.


Then I could get the movie-preview guy to do the voice-over: "In a world where things are a certain way, a boy leaves behind all he ever knew to search for his wallet and finds himself along the way."


But, the wallet was just under the seat of my car. Looks like none of us are going to have to worry about any of that.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Check out Luis's review of one of our favorite movies: Charlotte's Web.
Now would be an excellent time to despair.


While riding the high of passing my Italian final exam, I find myself without a wallet.


It has almost been certainly been thieved, considering that every item that accompanied the wallet has turned up unmolested.


This is the last time I go out for dinner and drinks with my Italian class.


Who am I kidding?


I'm like a mouse to cheese. A sexy, dark-haired, bilingual cheese.


I feel naked and alone without that absurd leather pouch.


It feels like freedom.


This is where the heroes are made. This is what sifts them from the rest of the silt and rubble.


I think that despite my inability to access my financial resources for the next undetermined period of time, I will still be able to accomplish my goals in a manner that will not compromise my beliefs.

Very Randian, I know. Whatever it is, it's how I live. How I choose to live.


What do I have? To quote Rorschach, "Your hands. My perspective."

I do get upset when I lose all the other things in my life that distract me from who I am, who I think I am, and who I am trying to be. I have found it difficult to stay upset. I meet too many people that frantically flounder to maintain their smokescreen as if we already couldn't almost see entirely through them.

I'm not saying they're wrong. But my arms can't flap that fast.


I hope they find happiness. I'm pretty sure I won't be anywhere near them when and if they do.


I raise my glass in a silent toast to them. To myself. To all of us.


I'm pretty sure we won't make it out of this alive.


Still, I'm very glad I found you here. Even if it was just for a moment.


Good night.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

There is a great evil loosed upon this machine. I believe it is known as Spyware, and for some reason I can only type if I right-click with my mouse, hold down the button, and then type with my free hand.


It is quite frustrating.


This is the last time I ever trust a website that promises me free Natalie Portman wallpaper.


Oh, who am I kidding? I fall for it every time, like a rat to cheese.


A sexy, intelligent, dark-haired cheese.