"Inter-office Nerd-dom"


I received one of those delightful forwarded e-mails at work yesterday. It read as follows:


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington Chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume
in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


Not to be out-nerded and quite eager to idle away my remaining time at work, I responded.


The student's answer to the test question is an admirable effort, but it is
incomplete.


The student has overlooked a third possibility.


Boyle's Law, again, states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.


He concluded that if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then there would lead to an increase in
temperature and pressure until all Hell breaks loose.


He also concluded that if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.


However, he completely overlooked the possibility that if the volume of
Hell is expanding proportionately as souls are added, then the temperature
and pressure will stay the same.


I believe the latter to be the most likely of the three possibilities. My
support for this is as follows:


Firstly, astronomists have recently discovered that, contrary to the
prevalent theory of entropy, the universe is not decreasing in its speed of
expansion, but actually increasing.


And it would have to be increasing. As our astute chemistry student friend
pointed out, "With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially." This should sound
familiar by now: In accordance with Boyle's Law, we now have our
proportionate expansion of volume to accommodate an increase in souls while
still maintaining a constant temperature.


Secondly, the planet Earth, relative to the universe around it, remains at
a fairly constant temperature. This is pretty remarkable considering the
universe contains examples of temperature fluctuations in the millions of
degrees.


What does this all mean?


The conclusion I have reached is this: We are in a place that maintains a
constant temperature in a universe that is expanding in volume at an
increasing rate.


Or, to put it more succinctly:


We are in Hell.


I could be wrong, though. After all, I've never taken a chemistry class.


Courtesy,


Guillermo Lopez


Your Friendly Neighborhood Mail Boy