Friday, April 20, 2018

I worked at the main office the other day. Didn't pull out my laptop; instead I went to the journal. It was nice. I'm going to have to make a habit of it. I'll be working at the main office in a couple months. Returning to commuting. I'll miss hanging with the boys every morning, and seeing my mom and dad. I guess I could walk over there, but then it's an event. When I go over now it feels like we all just live together. My mom will still get mad if I don't say hi. She's done with me acting moody. No time for that nonsense.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Staring at a blank screen wondering what my dreams mean listening to random music wondering if I like it or want to like it tired of choosing everything that enters my head curator of emotional responses favorite shirts are fading fraying justify another purchase somehow I still have plenty of black button up shirts bonus hard to visibly stain

And I can be pretty good at something if I tried real hard I could be good at you

Friday, April 13, 2018

Where the heck have I been? Actually busy. Yesterday was blustery as a mofo and my shade sails came down. It appears I'll have to bury the bases after all. Or make hella wider ones, which may defeat the purpose of minimizing the footprint. Still, I enjoy digging. I think I'll buy a new shovel today. One for digging deep.

I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with shade right now. If I dare to look inward in my heart of hearts, I expect I'll find that after having dubbed my house "The Houndstooth" such as an old-tymey pub, the desire to earn the name has grown. White, triangular shade sails could appear to be teeth, you see. And massive statues of hounds in various states of repose can dot the front and backyard. Shit, I should construct hound heads, canine moai, and in their teeth will be rings to attach the sails to.

That would be neat. And yet, I am concerned about my obsession. Neglect the inside of the house while I focus on the outside. Really not sure what the heck I'm attempting to accomplish. The urge to change is strong when I'm away, then fades as I settle in. Am I being complacent, or are things actually pretty good already and I don't need to mess with anything.

My friend told me once that I was afraid of being happy. Even if she turns out to be right, I don't see how I could admit that.

So until I find resolution, I will dig. Dig deep, layer after layer, until I hit bedrock or my body fails me.

To the shovel emporium!

Monday, April 09, 2018

Ender, Remy, and I went to see Isle of Dogs this Friday. We loved it. We saw it again on Sunday. Today I am feeling productive. I suspect it's related. Also played Mansions of Madness on Saturday with Emma, Chris and Mishea, and Jake and Mackenzie. I'd only known Jake from playing PS4 online. Now I can put a face to the voice.

Also on Sunday, my mother made lunch for a visiting babysitter, Maria. She cared for us when I was probably 6 years old. My mom had needed help when Luis was born. I don't remember her really. She said I had a temper. I believe it.

Doing so much was a good thing. I was more energized overall. Even went to Home Depot and got a bunch more cement and poles. There will be much shade sail installing today. Maybe even some grass trimming. Cause we crazy.

I'll need a ladder too. Hopefully I don't fall off the ladder and hurt myself. We'll see.


Get out of the house and play games, that's what I need to do more. Take the dogs out to play games. Games and games. Good for the heart.

Misery will cost me all that I wanted. Or most of it. Sometimes I'm happy despite myself.

Maybe I should go half-mad again. No, just a quarter-mad. Okay, 33 percent mad and that's my final offer.

Deal.

Thursday, April 05, 2018

I moved my desk around and now I'm all thrown off. How easily a routine is shattered. Is it worth the extra leg-room? Only time will tell.

Monday I left work early for a dental appointment. While at home, I was still in work mode or something and I cleared some junk out of the backyard. The clover is growing well. So is the unwanted grass. Maybe I'll buy a weed trimmer.

There is much to do, I feel. Continue tinkering with shade sails. Working with cement and metal. It's the possibilities that are exciting. I'll continue my usual approach; modular components that can be rearranged as I learn more.

Might need another TV, funnily enough. Most of my plans end up involving televisions.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Time begins and time ends. Doing everything can be like doing nothing at all, if you plan it right.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Turns out I hadn't been taking one of my medications this week. Which explains the sudden re-connection to the currents of existence. The melancholy, the cost of self-awareness. 

Constantly questioning the why of everything. 

There is much to learn. To do. It can be fun to be obsessed. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

"But please, remember me, my misery 
and how it cost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
The colored birds above their running"

-The Trapeze Singer by Iron and Wine.

It's one of my favorite songs. My whole life is in this song, I think. I gave the boys burned CD's of Iron and Wine and other music. They were little (perhaps I'll always think them so) and I would not give them the originals for fearing of them ruining the discs. I could also leave out songs that might be considered objectionable. 

I think of the phrase often. With Ender especially. If his expectation is not met, he has difficulty finding happiness in an alternative. Like he lives with the ghost of the thing. It will be rough going. Ghosts have weight, a tiny bit, and it adds up. What he must learn, as I am trying to learn, is that ghosts come in pairs. The ghost of unmet expectations, and the person you were at that moment. 

We're often mourning that hopeful part of ourselves. 

The rational part of us knows that nothing really matters, so everything matters. Pain and loss and joy are built in. We don't have perfect memories; the best tool we have are the amber of emotion that captures them, holds them, but freezes them too. When we look at them hereafter, it will be honey-yellow, and slightly warped. 

These have a weight too, I think.


Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Meager attempt to create a semblance of a ghost of a schedule has begun. Unexpected side effect of scheduling a life is the feeling that I'm running out of time. Time for what? For reading Moby Dick on Youtube, of course. For the people. Something to leave behind, for the people in that Venn diagram of miss the sound of my voice, and haven't read Moby Dick.

One of my co-workers, Jessica, is creating a musical about intermittent urological catheters. She asked me to write a section of lyrics. I did, and it was difficult. The music is from The Little Mermaid's Part of Your World.

I see now why they have people who just do lyrics. It's hard. Maintaining rhythm, internal rhyme structures, phrasing; it's tough. Like writing a poem on the back of a salmon leaping up a waterfall to spawn.

Fun though.

Monday, March 26, 2018

Small goals achieved this weekend. I mixed up some cement into buckets and stuck metal poles in them. Soon they will be dry and I can hang the shade sail from them. Then, shade sails for days. DAYS

It was rather difficult mixing the cement. Next time I'll get a cement mixer. Do like ten buckets and poles at once.

There's a note scrawled down here on a sticky at my work desk. It says "Idle distractions steal me." That's true, I think. How can I properly brood with all these dang shiny things around? I must hear my thoughts, not theirs.

Friday, March 23, 2018

The yard will be less dusty once the clover grows in. It's a hardy little plant, practically a weed. Thriving in the yellow dirt, more so than in the rich dark fertilized soil. The ladybugs are coming around.

A friend of mine lost someone very close to her, someone I didn't know well but was very fond of.  We haven't talked in years. To attempt to provide comfort would be selfish, I think. The past seeds doubt that choke all future virtue.  A last embrace will stay a last embrace.

Every tear becomes ordinary rain.


Thursday, March 22, 2018

Dreams. Many of them. Dreamed I stole an ambulance and there was no traction. Like driving on a sheet of ice. Bounced around like a bumper car. Maybe it was a bumper car.

I also dreamed of a sushi food truck. It drove up and Donovan ordered a calamari wrap. They truck had a giant squid tentacle on ice on display. I ordered one too because it's octopus that I feel guilty about eating, not squid.

Some squids are real jerks.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

The mission is to sleep the normal amount of hours it takes to be sane. I'm going with 10-6, for now.

Yesterday was a bleary-eyed nightmare. One of my more productive days, turns out, but it felt like hell. Today I feel much more rested.

What else am I forgetting? Dreams. I dreamed I was hanging out with Tana, Beckah, and Shelly. And Shelly's dog, Grub. I do love that pughuahua.


What else...oh, I fixed Ender's Samsung tablet. A few searches online gave me a handful of options, and I tried them all until something worked. And it did. He's quite pleased with it. I was annoyed by his constant pestering, and in the end that's what got me off my rump. I recorded a voice message telling him to use his stubbornness power for good.

Oh, my credit card info appears to have been stolen. Someone charged several days of stay at a Motel 6 by the Seattle airport. I didn't catch it myself; I was alerted by an app I had installed years ago that I never use anymore. It's called Mint, It tells me "Unusual spending on travel." Unusual indeed.

I've contacted the motel, and if they don't refund the money I'll have to file a claim with the company itself. Luckily I know my way around a claim form.

They also tried to buy something at Michael's craft store, but I got to that one in time.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Feeling strained, like butter over too much toast. Probably because I stayed up until 1 am last night watching clips of Star Trek conventions. Made me miss acting/performing. It's a strange thing, viewed from afar, to carve out those seconds and minutes of performance from hours and days of interminable suffering.

That may be why there's so much not-very-good stuff out there. It's so hard to make anything at all.

Tonight I must get to bed early, lest I suffer needlessly again. Still, summer is here. More daylight, less night. Hard to get my brooding in when it's all sunny.

The Next Generation was my favorite. Donaldo, Barbara, and I would watch it together because it came on at 9 pm, and reruns of The Simpsons weren't on until 10. I also enjoyed Deep Space Nine. I feel like I stopped watching a lot of TV in the middle of the DS9 run. Started working, had a car, went out a lot more. Not having finished the series created an odd nostalgia for it. I miss the feelings it stirred, more so than any particular tale it told.

Actors call that "sub-text".

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Sitting US president meeting with North Korea's dictator. Maybe they'll keep each other busy while the rest of us can go about our business.

Package bombs are going off in Austin. That was fast. Some guy made a device to "deter" thieves from stealing packages left on his porch. When someone picked up the box, it would basically fire a shotgun shell filled with just the powder. I think he was even selling them.

The internet found it amusing, and I suppose it was. As a person who has been a professional greyhat (since this morning when I was going to the bathroom), the potential for the device to be used to do harm was obvious. Obviously, if it uses a shotgun shell, what's to stop someone from just not emptying the shot? Crazy stuff.

Now I'm going to have to get a poking pole for my packages. Give em a good poke, knock em over before I pick them up.

That reminds me, I need to update my paranoia list in general. Got to keep a rotation to keep the paranoia fresh. Otherwise it dulls into general fear, which isn't useful. Fear makes people behave too predictably. Also, it's exhausting, and I'm too lazy for all that.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Was I productive this weekend? A little, yes. Rigged up a watering system for the clover, and even put down some stepping stones. Filled up a box with crap and soon I will throw it away. One box a weekend should do it. Clean by summer.

I didn't leave the house. Wait, I went to the store on Sunday. That counts.

Friday, March 09, 2018

What the heck is even happening. Oh yeah, I ordered a new chair. For sitting. It's going to be great; my rump-sense is tingling.

My Pebble watch is no longer supported. It will still work as an alarm, and as a watch, but no more push notifications. I'm pleased about the alarm aspect at least. No need to go back to the Stone-Age ways of setting an audio alarm. Might as well live in a cave.

Something I was supposed to do...but what? Get rid of crap. Definitely that. Got lots of crap around. Might be a good time to dismantle the storage shed too. I don't know. Oh wait, shade sails. I need concrete and buckets. And poles. To the concrete bucket pole store!


Wednesday, March 07, 2018


Grow, my pretties, grow! If you want to. I'm only telling you what to do under the assumption that we have a mutual understanding about free will and that I can't "make" you do anything. When I give a command like this, it's a form of encouragement, like an inner-voice except on the outside. An expression of our shared desire for a specific outcome in a world where nothing is certain. I guess what I mean is I think I love you?

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Despairing, in a tower of iron. Miles of stairways and no doors. Gifts appear at random. Almost all are heavy.

*****

Had to talk myself out of purchasing a pressure washer. Rationalized it by how much I'll save on car washes. Except I rarely wash my car. But can clean driveways and patios too! I have those! But no. Someday, but not today.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

More wild antics at the house! Yesterday, we planted clover. Will it live, will it die, will it fade, or will it thrive? Who knows! Success means less dust in the house from blowing wind. Erosion is the enemy, unless it's making a cool new canyon, but not in my backyard. Okay, maybe a little one.

I hurt my back cleaning Watson's ears. He hates it and there was a lot of wrasslin'. From what I understand of back pain, nothing helps and everything is terrible, so I'll just deal with it. Through sheer force of will. I tell the pain, SHUT UP.

I just sat through a meeting in which we sat through an advertisement for a self-help book. I'm feeling feisty after holding my tongue through those meaningless platitudes. ONLY YOU are responsible for your success. If you fail, it's because you're not a good enough employee, that you lacked the SHEER WILL to succeed. It's unrelated to the fact that the workplace spends zero resources on training, development, and implementing institutional changes to effect meaningful change.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

What was I even doing yesterday? I dont know. Paying bills, maybe? Shopping on Amazon for crazy hats? Something worse?

I stayed up too late again last night. Blame should be cast on the sun setting later, not on myself. 

Emotionally complex situations becomes easier to bear over time. The previous statement is likely false.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

What an excellent Presidents Day! Ender, Remy, and I went to the shoe store, the liquor store, In-N-Out Burger, and watched "The Simpsons". I even spent some time playing with my nieces, as my mom was watching them when I went to pick up the twins.

Genevieve threw a big stuffed bear and a pillow on me, and I wore the pillow on my head like a hit. I could drop down under the teddy bear so I was hidden. I popped up and started mooing like a cow. Genevieve pretended to be made and stomped towards me, and I made a scared squawk and dropped down. Then we did it again a bunch more times.

Noel and Genevieve loved it. Cows are always funny.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Tax return time! Oh, what frivolous spending shall I indulge in? Perhaps a mini-fridge/beverage center for all our booze, a new couch, or a new 4K TV. Perhaps I'll even pay my medical bills or credit card debt.

The possibilities are endless!

I'm taking Monday off. The twins have it off too, so we're going to hang out and be lazy. Probably play video games. There was a time when having the boys over meant they would play video games and I would clean up the house, do laundry, and organize my life. Thank Cheesus that I have the PS4 Pro now.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

It's time to mix thing up! Introducing: April No-Fools! Beginning April 1st and throughout the entire month, there will be no jokes, jests, gibes, puns, sarcasm, tricks, or teasing. It's the mental equivalent of a detox, except effective. Comedian John Oliver said something like "People who aren't comedians don't understand that we're basically sociopaths who will say anything to get a laugh." My nephew, Gabriel, asked me how I was always so funny. After giving it some thought, I said "You have to find connections, and then say whatever comes into your head. And expect to be un-funny a lot of the time. Eventually, if you fail enough, and pay attention to why, you'll get funnier.

I also talked about how during a conversation, each topic is like a pebble thrown into a pond. The conversation will create ripples outwards from each pebble, and the place where those ripples meet is a possible joke. 

Find the connections to find the funny. And the beauty of it is that everything's connected, when you step back far enough. 

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Happy Discount-Valentine's-Day-Candy Day Eve! Tomorrow there will be chocolate hearts at rock-bottom prices galore. And soon it will be the Day-After-Easter candy, which is even better because of those horrible and delicious Cadbury Creme Eggs (The extra 'e' stands for 'Extra Earwig Larvae').

Fly away like a winter bird, return in the springtime of the soul

Monday, February 12, 2018

My hands are cut from tearing apart cardboard boxes. Those boxes be fierce. Mayhaps there was a secret staple hidden under a strip of masking tape. Whatever blooded me, I emerged victorious and the box is on its way to be recycled into new enemies.

Kelly and I went over to the Schuler's place on Friday to watch the opening ceremony of the Olympic games. There was much debate over costumes, props, and how effects were achieved. Rowdy good times were had by all.

Rorschach, my cat, was euthanized this weekend, at 18 years of age. Mai Linh and I had adopted a brother and sister kitty when we got a house together 17 years ago. Mai took them both when I moved back home with my parents and has had them ever since. Still, I'd always said I had a cat.

He was a good cat. Very good at catty things. Mostly pretty nice to people. Good with kids, too.

Thursday, February 08, 2018

Listening to the soundtrack for the video game "Cuphead". It's jazz/big band,/ragtime, and all great.

Perfect for dancing around and talking about our feelings.

And shouting "What a scoop!" while taking pictures with old-timey flashbulb cameras. Stick a press card in my hatband and away I go.

I've been feeling a little detached lately. It could be in my imagination. Or perhaps it's my imagination I'm detached from. Maybe I'm feeling my age. How old am I? 35? or 36? Oh, okay. 35 years, 8 months, and 27 days. Not 36 yet. Almost, but not quite.

Fascinating.

Back to walking daily. Lots of motivation to play Monster Hunter World, with so much to do. Avoid injury and keep walking, lift some weights to build up bone mass to offset future loss as I continue to age. Good plan, good plan.

Oh, and get my oil changed. On my car. That's not some grisly euphemism for blood-doping or whatever where people inject themselves with youthful blood.

What a scoop! FLASH

Monday, February 05, 2018

Let's Write! is a new platform for writers to broadcast their writing process in real-time to an audience of millions. When your favorite writer is writing, you'll get a notification and then you can log on and watch the creative process as it happens! With 3 camera angles: Over-the-shoulder, Face-Front, or 3/4 Overhead Full Desk View.

Join the chat and critique away!

Might actually be a hit. People can watch it after-the-fact and then fast-forward through the long moments of staring blankly at the screen.

Thursday, February 01, 2018

Remy made a morning playlist. We usually listen to the radio on the way to the bus stop and often have to suffer through the seemingly synchronized commercial messages. I think that all the radio stations are owned by one massive corporation now anyway. No more switching to another station that actually plays music. Not on their watch.

Thus, after a couple weeks of urging, Remy made the playlist. It's good. The first song is "We Don't Believe What's On TV" by Twenty One Pilots. It's an excellent get-yer-ass-moving song.

I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow with my surgeon. My throat is still a little sore, but I only notice it if I think about it. I bit the inside of my cheek the other day and I smirked at the pain. I'm sure my pain tolerance won't last; the memory of the suffering is still fresh enough to be useful.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Video games! I play them. I picked up Monster Hunter World, an action RPG that promises hundreds of hours of hunting, gathering, and crafting. The biggest hurdle to jumping into the game was the monster-hunting itself. The monsters are a madman's amalgam of modern and ancient creatures, ranging from fairly mundane dragons to furry floating pufferfish-lizards. The creatures have personalities. I was worried that I would feel bad about hunting them.

Then a bus-sized iguana with festively-colored dreadlocks mauled me into the dirt and with it, any lingering remorse.



Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The monster hunter is retired. As of today. Hang up the armor, put away the weapons, roll up the maps, shelve the ancient tomes. Hunting beasts for so long that everything starts to look like a beast. Bad for the blood. 

Blend back into the crowd. Shuffle along, taking it easy. Enjoy the daylight, and leave the night to others.

*  *  *

Need to make more note cards with reminders to self. Need to stop relying on will power. I'll use "won't" power. It's a joke, see. Harness my obstinance. Hitch up my mulishness to the cart of self-improvement, aka suffering. It's not my preferred method, but it's so ingrained in the fiber of my heartwood that it's the most effective. More positive ways take too long.

Monday, January 29, 2018

The what-ifs become the what-nows. Pattering about looking for things to tinker with. Sore legs from moving bookshelves. Got rid of a few books too. Then this morning my mother gives me my copies of Charles Dickens and the Taber Medical dictionary. I don't know what they were doing at my mom's house. 

Turning about in my mind is a serious question. Should I stop trying to fix things? I would certainly appear more amenable to those that value such things. I'd feel much less engaged, surely, and probably speak a great deal less. There are other worlds in which I could slowly immerse myself, like a very hot bath, and enjoy my spark of warmth in an otherwise icy world.

Until I get bored.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Barbara got a flat tire yesterday and asked me to pick up the twins from the bus stop. I did so. We picked up some burritos, watched Season 2 of "The Simpsons", and generally had a blast.

I canceled my subscription to Pandora. I have Google Play now, and it has various stations that I an Thumbs-Up or Thumbs-Down and it doesn't care. It will put my liked songs into a playlist.

Pandora was good to me. Still, it's redundant and it keeps asking me to upgrade to Pandora Pro or something and I'm like "I pay a subscription for no ads, and this is an ad dammit!" and then people stare at me because I'm yelling at my phone.

Is it too late to go to school to study only "Moby Dick"? Perhaps there is a degree somewhere in imitating great art. Yea, then, could I busy myself with imitating and perhaps in the failing find some solace, a literary Sisyphus, dodging the boulder of rightful criticism.

Unknown, yet I've not looked far beyond the horizon of this particle-board desk.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

This morning it was cold enough that the pups curled up together. Usually Watson doesn't care for it. Marceline, the smaller of the two, rested her head on his rump. I turned up the heat to 72. It's hard for me to gauge how uncomfortable the cold makes them. Well, they were up on the bed, so they should be okay. Their own dog bed is a kid-sized mattress. But everybody loves a queen.

I haven't weighed myself since my surgery. During my pre-op check-in, my weight was 144, but that was fully clothed and with shoes on. I figured I would reduce during my recovery since it hurt so much to eat; what I was not expecting was my lack of appetite in the weeks that followed. It hasn't been a full month yet, and it's not something that worries me. It's kind of funny that my legendary appetite may have been beaten by a common medical procedure.

Now is the winter of our discontent. No, wrong quote.

"There is no steady unretracing progress in this life; we do not advance through fixed gradations, and at the last one pause:–through infancy's unconscious spell, boyhood's thoughtless faith, adolescence' doubt (the common doom), then scepticism, then disbelief, resting at last in manhood's pondering repose of If. But once gone through, we trace the round again; and are infants, boys, and men, and Ifs eternally." -Moby Dick.

Much better. Melville, you've prepared me for everything. The pondering repose of If. Should be carved into the mast, like the Lorax and his stump proclaiming "Unless". If. If. If.

The raven cawing "Nevermore," Macbeth's porter crying "Knock, knock, knock!"

And the bell tolls for me to return to my toil. Buzz buzz buzz. 

Monday, January 22, 2018

The calm after the storm. Feels like a hangover.

There's still some little jobs here and there. Curtain rod to install. Curtain rod to adjust. The usual. Concrete tasks with which to busy myself. I'm ready to walk everyday again. No more of this every-other-day nonsense. Must grind along.

Oh man, I totally dropped a tv. The one on the roller cart. I had moved it out of the way of the party into the game room. Then I was moving it out of my way in the dark and it fell. Hilarious. It was my least-favorite TV. Edge-lighting. Pheh. Still, I feel stupid. Careless. Reckless.

I've made my peace with it. As long as I am aware that I am stupid, careless, and reckless, there is a chance I can prepare fail-safes.

As soon as the fail-safe for my laziness kicks in.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Much of my time has been spent tinkering with the house. Putting up curtain rods, lights, moving things around. It's coming together pretty well. Somewhat incongruous thematically, aside from a clear striving for budget decadence. It's fun.

I may need a few more tools.

My appetite is still severely diminished. I've been walking a little, about an hour. My nose is still tender and my throat still hurts when I swallow. Or when I stretch my mouth really wide.

I bore myself. As a subject. There are so many other things I could be discussing. Like writing a song parody of "Kiss The Girl" from "The Little Mermaid" about consent. She can't talk, after all, and she doesn't even know how to use a fork. There are questions.

Back to thinking about myself again. The way I mathed it out, I need to save about $670,000 dollars to live comfortably off the interest alone. I'm currently at 22,000. Only 648 grand to go.

Progress.

Maybe I should just half the amount to 324 grand, then get a part-time job until I die. Perfect.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Where am I going what am I doing how did I get here?

Spent the weekend tinkering with the house. I'm not one for home improvement. My bathroom faucet still leaks, my shower handle needs to be replaced, and I think a family of capybara is nesting under the foundation. I did, however, do this:


Magical as heck. That's over the archway from the living room to the dining room. The other side depicts ominous ancient ruins under a moonlit night. Best of both worlds.

Ben O. came over to help me put up the curtain rod. We also watched "Planet Earth 2". We came to the conclusion that everything in Nature is messed up so we humans need to stop thinking we're somehow insulated from it. Personally my life is much more comfortable and I should enjoy not feeling physically miserable, even if there are things I'm unhappy about. I could be unhappy about it AND be freezing my ass off and starving.

That's the kind of optimist I am, I suppose. It could always be worse, until it can't, but then it's too late.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Your pain is your own.  I cannot share it. I can't even really comprehend it. I can only feel the edges of your pain, like cold air from a hidden draft. What I can do is join you in that night land, and love you. Your pain is your own. I cannot share it. I can only share your company. What is broken cannot be fixed.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

What a world. Meat still tastes strange. After seemingly endless days of slowly drowning in the slough and oozings of my wounded throat, meat tastes too much like dying.

My throat is only sore now. There is still cauterized tissue. I expected the new skin to be tender, like a scar, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Or maybe it is.

I was told I overthink things by my boss. It was good to hear.

Rage and rage and rage. I didn't sleep well last night. Felt too cold, felt too hot. Insomnia may be a symptom of weaning off the painkillers. Or maybe I've developed negative associations with lying in bed. Horrifying.

I got some curtain rods that look like industrial pipe. Very wise of them. Black pipe is cool for a lot of things, but the challenge for curtain rods would be changing out the curtains themselves.

The curtains will create two rooms for Kelly and Barbara's joint birthday party. The living room will be the Forest. Metaphorically. It must be crossed to get to the reward of festivities. I'm excited.

It's a couple more days until I can get back on the treadmill, so I imagine I'll have time to do a few more things too.

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Ender stayed home sick today. I took Remy to the bus stop. While I sat with my right arm stretched over the passenger seat, he leaned forward from the back seat and rested his chin on my arm. Ender and Remy both do this sometimes. It reminds me of when they were little. 

Makes me want to dispense wisdom. Alas, I have very little. I did tell Remy that there's a lot of bullshit you have to get through so you can get time to do stuff you care about. But it doesn't really go away, there will always be some bullshit.

Ben O and I were looking at the Top Ten Health Conditions study by Moody's Analytics. Depression and Mood Disorders seemed to be independent of a person's overall health score, and socioeconomic and behavioral factors.

Sort of means that even if you eat right, do right, be right, the brain remains vulnerable. I suggested we create a preemptive strike support group. Madness is coming. How will we meet it?

Monday, January 08, 2018


Day 10 of my recovery. Today, Day 11, I return to work. Day 14 I should be able to resume all normal activities: piano-playing, cat-fancying, boulder-hurling.

The suffering was illuminating. There were depths. Sleep was only a temporary respite. There were bouts of fever. The feeling that dominated all was of slow suffocation. Claustrophobia of being contained within my own body. My tongue was bruised like a raw strip of steak. my nose was no longer nose-shaped, it was a salad potato nestled between my bleary eyes.

I could breathe through my nose, despite the blood-soaked gauze. I could breathe through my mouth, despite the torn ragged tunnel collapse of cauterized tissue.

I could breathe, but it felt like I was stealing air. Like using a snorkel.

Now I'm back a work, wearing all black for some reason. Maybe I expect to start bleeding from my nose and throat, which can happen spontaneously for up to two months.

Or maybe I'm mourning being new.