"But please, remember me, my misery 

and how it cost me all I wanted

Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains

The colored birds above their running"

-The Trapeze Singer by Iron and Wine.

It's one of my favorite songs. My whole life is in this song, I think. I gave the boys burned CD's of Iron and Wine and other music. They were little (perhaps I'll always think them so) and I would not give them the originals for fearing of them ruining the discs. I could also leave out songs that might be considered objectionable. 

I think of the phrase often. With Ender especially. If his expectation is not met, he has difficulty finding happiness in an alternative. Like he lives with the ghost of the thing. It will be rough going. Ghosts have weight, a tiny bit, and it adds up. What he must learn, as I am trying to learn, is that ghosts come in pairs. The ghost of unmet expectations, and the person you were at that moment. 

We're often mourning that hopeful part of ourselves. 

The rational part of us knows that nothing really matters, so everything matters. Pain and loss and joy are built in. We don't have perfect memories; the best tool we have are the amber of emotion that captures them, holds them, but freezes them too. When we look at them hereafter, it will be honey-yellow, and slightly warped. 

These have a weight too, I think.