Sunday, December 12, 2010
I am the clean up crew. Sort of. Torn away from the fundraiser that I was passionately supporting, I find myself at home. To be fair, I have eaten two more burritos than I had planned on this evening, and have embarrassed at least one more co-worker than planned. Employer levels of chagrin were as expected.
Now all I have to do is be at work on time tomorrow morning. In about 6 hours. This should work out okay. Sleep does not come easily. I have spent too many evenings frolicking with fading gods and dying demons. Now they all come to me on quiet weekday evenings. Their immortal hearts break when I tell them, I too, I must meet various daylight responsibilities that keep me alive. Alive and leached bleach white of mystery and wonder. A physics formula expresses the exact amount of inspiration.
Pain will bring you back, I tell them. That universal conduit is ever active. Stakes are raised and stakes are laid. The tears fall, but foolish boy I have many more all whetted on sharper stones than you.
Let's not get all artistic now. I am a dude. I weigh about 200 pounds. I am fairly strong. My speed is average. I can retain a great deal of information, but my ability to access it decreases inversely.
It is likely I did not use that mathematical expression correctly.
Dogs and years lie on the floor around me. Water laps the shores of places I've visited and will never be again. All that love is let go, swirling around in the Milky Way; a star or planet may catch it but if not, away it will go. Frozen.
Frozen, all this energy will be. All our love and hopes and dreams and all those things we wish we had done will end up the same. A frozen chunk of something, unusable. Will we stand around and point out all the things we wish we'd done? That was the time I almost told her I loved her. I kissed her then, but turned away before she could reply.
Regrets may be the secret of entropy. All the things we never wanted to happen will happen forever.
The snarl on my lips is difficult to argue with when the rest of me is frozen cold, so cold.