Friday, April 20, 2018

I worked at the main office the other day. Didn't pull out my laptop; instead I went to the journal. It was nice. I'm going to have to make a habit of it. I'll be working at the main office in a couple months. Returning to commuting. I'll miss hanging with the boys every morning, and seeing my mom and dad. I guess I could walk over there, but then it's an event. When I go over now it feels like we all just live together. My mom will still get mad if I don't say hi. She's done with me acting moody. No time for that nonsense.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Staring at a blank screen wondering what my dreams mean listening to random music wondering if I like it or want to like it tired of choosing everything that enters my head curator of emotional responses favorite shirts are fading fraying justify another purchase somehow I still have plenty of black button up shirts bonus hard to visibly stain

And I can be pretty good at something if I tried real hard I could be good at you

Friday, April 13, 2018

Where the heck have I been? Actually busy. Yesterday was blustery as a mofo and my shade sails came down. It appears I'll have to bury the bases after all. Or make hella wider ones, which may defeat the purpose of minimizing the footprint. Still, I enjoy digging. I think I'll buy a new shovel today. One for digging deep.

I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with shade right now. If I dare to look inward in my heart of hearts, I expect I'll find that after having dubbed my house "The Houndstooth" such as an old-tymey pub, the desire to earn the name has grown. White, triangular shade sails could appear to be teeth, you see. And massive statues of hounds in various states of repose can dot the front and backyard. Shit, I should construct hound heads, canine moai, and in their teeth will be rings to attach the sails to.

That would be neat. And yet, I am concerned about my obsession. Neglect the inside of the house while I focus on the outside. Really not sure what the heck I'm attempting to accomplish. The urge to change is strong when I'm away, then fades as I settle in. Am I being complacent, or are things actually pretty good already and I don't need to mess with anything.

My friend told me once that I was afraid of being happy. Even if she turns out to be right, I don't see how I could admit that.

So until I find resolution, I will dig. Dig deep, layer after layer, until I hit bedrock or my body fails me.

To the shovel emporium!

Monday, April 09, 2018

Ender, Remy, and I went to see Isle of Dogs this Friday. We loved it. We saw it again on Sunday. Today I am feeling productive. I suspect it's related. Also played Mansions of Madness on Saturday with Emma, Chris and Mishea, and Jake and Mackenzie. I'd only known Jake from playing PS4 online. Now I can put a face to the voice.

Also on Sunday, my mother made lunch for a visiting babysitter, Maria. She cared for us when I was probably 6 years old. My mom had needed help when Luis was born. I don't remember her really. She said I had a temper. I believe it.

Doing so much was a good thing. I was more energized overall. Even went to Home Depot and got a bunch more cement and poles. There will be much shade sail installing today. Maybe even some grass trimming. Cause we crazy.

I'll need a ladder too. Hopefully I don't fall off the ladder and hurt myself. We'll see.

Get out of the house and play games, that's what I need to do more. Take the dogs out to play games. Games and games. Good for the heart.

Misery will cost me all that I wanted. Or most of it. Sometimes I'm happy despite myself.

Maybe I should go half-mad again. No, just a quarter-mad. Okay, 33 percent mad and that's my final offer.


Thursday, April 05, 2018

I moved my desk around and now I'm all thrown off. How easily a routine is shattered. Is it worth the extra leg-room? Only time will tell.

Monday I left work early for a dental appointment. While at home, I was still in work mode or something and I cleared some junk out of the backyard. The clover is growing well. So is the unwanted grass. Maybe I'll buy a weed trimmer.

There is much to do, I feel. Continue tinkering with shade sails. Working with cement and metal. It's the possibilities that are exciting. I'll continue my usual approach; modular components that can be rearranged as I learn more.

Might need another TV, funnily enough. Most of my plans end up involving televisions.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Time begins and time ends. Doing everything can be like doing nothing at all, if you plan it right.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Turns out I hadn't been taking one of my medications this week. Which explains the sudden re-connection to the currents of existence. The melancholy, the cost of self-awareness. 

Constantly questioning the why of everything. 

There is much to learn. To do. It can be fun to be obsessed.