Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The latest scientific study suggests that a person is stupidest right when they wake up. Stupider even than when they haven't slept for 24 hours. Stupider than if they're drunk.

I don't find this very helpful. I would rather not have science on my side when I am debating going into work after being up all night drinking. Not now, Science, I say. Not now.

Although, science scores big points because students at Cal-tech have figured out how bumblebees fly. This is insignificant because from an engineering standpoint, those fuzzy bastards should be as flightless as the dodo. It's pretty kick-ass how the students figured out the mechanics behind it. I'm not sure I understand it myself, but it has something to do with their wings, I think. Don't quote me on that.

I feel a bit odd. Also a bit jittery. I suspect the large amount of coffee I drank a few hours ago. I haven't had much caffeine since classes let out. My stomach is wrenching about. My eyes feel like they're seeing through things instead of what I'm trying to look at. It's like having very crappy super-powers.

"Stop, evil-doers!"

"Aw, rats! It's Jittery Wall-eyed Nauseated Man! He'll...he'll...annoy us with pretentious banter?"

"What is 'being pretentious' really? Perhaps I am merely behaving in a pretentious manner to illustrate the absurdity of pretending that others actually see me as the person I am sarcastically feigning to be?


I think I would actually be classified as a super-villain. Hmm. I've always flirted with the Dark Side, but I never expected to develop a relationship. That'll fit nicely into my current modus operandi of my complete inability to expect the expected.

For now, I will be know as 3:40-In-The Morning-Boy. My super-power will be the ability to go to bed at 3:40 in the morning.

"But why are Guillermo and 3:40-In-The-Morning-Boy never seen at the same time?"


Monday, January 09, 2006

The pet shop is good times. My new goal is to get bitten or stung by every animal in the store. I've run through all the basic pets: puppy, kitten, ferret, dwarf hamster, and cockatiel. I'm counting chinchilla as well even though it didn't happen in the store, in fact, I hardly knew him.

I've learned that bunnies can scream. I always thought it was an urban legend, but I tell you that I heard the banshee bunny with my own two ears. I felt sorry for the little guy. Sometimes you're already having a bad day and then some asshole comes along and flips you upside down to try to figure out what sex you are. I say let the bunnies have their secrets. Jebus knows we all have ours.

Since business traditionally occurs during the day, I've been forced to adapt to the local customs and wake up at a reasonable hour. I'm not quite adjusted to the new schedule. This past weekend I had returned home from a moderate work day of lugging around 50-pound bags of animal food and wet sand (who buys wet sand anyway?!) I snuggled down to catch a quick nap and go out that evening. My nap turned into an all-nighter. Er, into the opposite of an all-nighter? Hmm. I guess it was the opposite of the popular but counter-intuitive term "all-nighter." Yes.

Having slept all night, I was refreshed. My internal clock is violently trying to reset itself.

It isn't even 2 am and I'm already on my way to bed. I guess I have dreams to look forward to. Heh, last night I dreamt up the entire 7th book of Harry Potter. If it gets made into a movie, it will probably be rated "R." None of this pussy-footing about in my version. One of my favorite parts is where Neville is finally pushed too far and turns his own hand into stone while it is locked around the throat of the enemy. C'mon, you know he has it in him. He's like a little Hogwarts version of the Punisher.

Also, Ron and Hermione finally hook up BUT she is possessed by a spirit when it happens and at the same time Ron has been poly-juiced into a female version of himself. Heh heh, and you thought drunkenly making out with co-workers is awkward?

What Rowling has consistently failed to realize is that when you're dealing with magic, you have to take things up a notch.

Good night.