Do I, at times, despair? Yes, sort of. I hold my despair like a crappy tattoo of a werewolf fighting a unicorn. It's there, it's not going anywhere, and while I can't get rid of it, it doesn't seem to be getting any worse. 

If I had a month off, I might stop taking my medication and see what happens. So very curious. 

Travel back into the psychological past.

I don't know. I'm not unhappy with my brain now. I'm just curious. Trying to remember how I used to think. Maybe it's like trying to remember when I was in really good shape. Everything was easier? I have been pushing my exercise regimen to slightly more than I feel I can handle when I noticed I wasn't struggling at the end like I used to. 

I've probably told this old army story about how I was mistakenly placed in the fastest running group "A Group!" and I'm pretty sure I was not among the fastest. Still, there I was. I managed to not "fall out" so I guess it worked out.

My knee still likes to remind me it isn't entirely happy with me from time to time. Hey, join the club, knee. Join the club.

Spent part of yesterday looking up zoning laws. Hypothetically, would I be allowed to keep a large replica of a ship in my backyard? If it were a non-permanent structure, technically a vehicle, with some sweet sails that could be flown and double as shade? 

Maybe if I called it an RV? Throw some wheels on it. Or get a trailer, license that badboy, and then build it on the trailer?

I guess I would need a work shop of some kind. Oh, and this would look like an old whaling ship, of course. Look, it's going to be fancy deck. Conceptually that the ground is the ocean and the ship is sitting submerged in the dirt. Hang out on the ship. Relax. Maybe get a giant try-pot. 

But the zoning...

There are some pretty relaxed rules about animal enclosures. Maybe if I kept a chicken in there or something...

There's no house behind us; maybe I could just buy an old ship and have a crane plop it into my backyard. Done and done. 

Now I just have to hope that no one asks me why I'm doing this...because I don't really know. I want to be able to look outside and see a ship? Perhaps upon that ship, I may spy a whale. Perhaps that whale will have a white hump, and almost certainly I will give chase. It is my nature. But unlikely, to find one singular whale amongst the vast wideness of the world.

My phone unlocks with my fingerprint but also asks for a password sometimes. I like it. Makes me think in case I'm unconscious there's still a chance no one will go in and delete this blog.

They'd still have to go in and delete the emailed copies of my posts, and the back-up email copies...but it could be done. That would upset me greatly. 

It's St. Patrick's Day. Watch out, druids! Warlocks and paladins might need to be careful also. 

As a troll hunter with a pet ghost cat, I should be fine. 

I feel like there's so much to do. Is there? What am I missing? Maybe more caffeine will help me remember.

Better not risk it. 

Not sure how long it's been since I've been on my rice-and-bean primary foodstuff kick. It's been nice. I make good beans (the secret ingredient is garlic). I also really enjoy not thinking about what to eat. I still love food of all kinds, of course; the difference now is that I can focus eating foods I enjoy simply because I enjoy them, and the food is not burdened with having to sustain me as well. 

Oh yeah, I got a stimulus check. I used it to pay off some debt. Strange feeling. In the back of my head I know that debt I hold costs me money, but I'm good at ignoring the feeling. Now that I'm not focused on ignoring that feeling, I guess I can ignore something else.

Then what?

I need to remind myself that it's a false sense of security. Or rather, it's some security, which is great, but as we've seen how quickly everything falls apart, I shouldn't get cocky. 

I still feel like doing something. To fight this, I'll set goals that have to be accomplished first. If I want a new giant TV, I need to organize all my tools and all the stuff in the shed first. If I really want it, then I should be willing to work for it. 

I bought a fez.

Or rather, I ordered a fez. It's got a neat scarab on it. Scarabs represent the cycle of life and the heavens, because they push around balls of dung and a big piece of shit rolling along is an excellent metaphor for life.

Dreamed of Watson L. Dog. We were driving in a car with Kelly at the wheel. Watson was sitting in the front seat. I got annoyed because I hate when dogs sit in the front seat, for safety reasons. I pulled him into the back seat, where I was sitting, and held him and petted him. It was nice. Watson gave me a look that said "Really, you're worried about this right now?" That's when I realized he was dead and I was dreaming. Still, it was nice. 

Silly mutt.

This weekend was uneventful, except for the rain. Rain is always worth remarking on here. The nephews and I watched Aliens (1986) and they enjoyed it. This was the regular cut, not the special edition. From what I've read about the special edition, I think I'd prefer the original. There's a scene with the colony before it's attacked, and I prefer the space marines arriving and, like me, having no idea what to expect. Those moments happen often in life, where a person is trying to figure out what's normal and what isn't. 

The AZ Tiki Oasis is coming up. It's a Tiki convention. I've never been to one and since it's a pandemic year I'm sure it won't be a typical event. I was shopping around for appropriate attire and I came to the conclusion that while I like the aesthetic, I don't like wearing the stuff. I was looking at Hawaiian shirts, and didn't want to wear them. I even looked at some Cthulhu-inspired fez hats, which I really liked but then I remembered I don't like wearing hats. Still, it might be worth getting for the Con. I could wear my suits, and then slap on the fez. Bingo-bango, it's an outfit. Then maybe some short-shorts and animal t-shirt for the luau. Bam.