Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Work has sought and found me every day. I've picked up more shifts at the French restaurant and I enjoy it well enough that I am going to hang up my bread slicer and quit the bakery. It was almost time to move anyway. I have mastered the art of slinging muffins and acquired the obligatory work-related keloid scar (pancakes got me this time.)

I have another grey hair as well. I am displeased because there is still no discernible pattern to the grey. I needs me some crazy wild silver hair so I can sit on my porch and harangue passers-by and regale reluctant audiences with outrageous tales of my youth.

"Gather round, ya unkempt youngsters. I'm gonna tell you the time I ran away from the Army. The Army is what we used to have before America became a police state, see, and it used to be for stopping people from killing each other. Well, to tell you how I got away I need to tell you about a man named Sibbitt. Yep, I knew him. Eight feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. Hair bristled from his every pore and he had teeth like a wild boar.

Now Sibbit was diabetic. Some say his genetic makeup was such that his body failed to produce the required amount of insulin to utilize glucose, but I know different. See, when the gods was putting Sibbitt together, they got rid of his pancreas to make room for more guts. Hush boy! I know pancreases is technically "guts!" I'm speaking metaphoric-like. Now where was I? The man has more guts than anybody I ever known.

Yes now, we packed up and headed out the Sierra Nevada and patrolled the mountains helping lost travelers, caring for local wildlife, mapping uncharted regions, and battling criminal woodland critter elements like the Marmot Syndicate and the Nut Hatch Mafia.

Naked I was in those days, naked and fearless. I had a baseball bat that I had carved myself out of a slightly larger bat and it had a laser sight. Lasers? That's a concentrated beam of light. Were pretty common when science and technology were still legal. Yep, the last thing those marmots saw was a little red dot on their fat evil snouts and then BAM! I would have me a new marmot hat.

Now let me tell you about the time Sibbitt climbed two mountains...at the same time..."