again

Here we are again. I meant to get to bed at a more reasonable hour. Not quite midnight; got a whole 25 minutes to go. I'm listening to the rain that isn't really rain (just dark jazz and rain noises on my phone) and imagining a slightly different world. 

It's fun. 

To the casual observer, I may seem dour, brooding, even a little dangerous, but I assure you, I am actually quite silly. 

Sometimes the rain is louder, and other times the music is louder, that's all. 

Having time off was not as productive as I hoped, but I did do enough to reach a kind of tipping point. 

I'm really enjoying having a mostly clear kitchen counter and dinner table. 

It feels like I can be more with less. And yet, that also is a fallacy because humans our tools, yes, but we also need art, decorations, frivolous stuff. Can't always be in survival mode; that's not a sustainable way to live. 

The stars gather planets to their orbit; so we gather loved ones and beautiful things. 

At least we should. 

Another midnight

And another nightmare. Everyone was wearing masks. 

I've accomplished almost everything I meant to today. Accomplished is probably the wrong word. Small goals were achieved, two days in a row. Creating a sense of consistency. 

It's a beautiful night. 

I don't have traditional nightmares anymore. I used to wake up afraid of things I'd been dreaming. I don't remember when that changed. A few nights ago, I dreamt there was something creeping around the house. I woke myself up because I was making a low, gutteral growl in the back of my throat. 

I don't know what that means. 

Fog

The fog writhed grey in the darkness, twisting coils choking the streetlights. The sidewalk was slick, and I picked my way carefully home. I knew the path from my door to the pub very well, although I confess the way back was harder to remember. After a few pints, the cobweb pattern of streets and alleys were harder to navigate, especially in the dark. 

I usually make it home eventually. 

Scraps from a journal

It's one of those times when I know I'm strong but I need to be stronger, I know I'm smart but I need to be smarter, I've got a hundred big ideas but I need to just pick one and run with it. 

Waiting for signs, like a fool. Everything's a sign...just pick one and run with it. 

Decluttering has gone okay. It's difficult; that's no surprise. It's hard to admit that what you really need isn't very much. 

The urge to withdraw is strong. Like a hermit crab retreating into its shell, or a hamster hiding in a toilet paper tube. 

Still, I have the threads of a plan, I think. Mostly involves working really hard. Diligence. And a consistent sleep schedule. 

Goodnight!