Friday, September 05, 2008

An Insider Report on Jaclyn "Don't Stop Believin" Backhaus

So many people have asked me what I know about Jaclyn Backhaus in the last few days that I decided to write something up.

Basically, Jaclyn turned me into a whale. I got better, but I still have a furious addiction to krill-flavored corn snacks.

She claims to be anti-zombie, but I know for a fact that she played a dead woman in a play. The play's message was distinctly pro-undead.

As a supporter of the 90's, she voted to extend the year 1996 for 18 months, which would have cost taxpayers billions, but admittedly would have given us a couple more seasons of Fresh Prince.


* "Hockey mom": No one has ever claimed this.

* "PTA mom": True. Jaclyn was a member of Parental Training for Arthropods, after she inherited her great-grand-uncle's beloved
pet lobster, Jubilance Pinchybottoms the 3rd. After Jubi joined the Canadian Royale Coaste Guarde, she promptly
quit the organization.

* "NRA supporter": Absolutely true. She is known to have received their highest honor, a signed photograph of Charlton
Heston firing a rare gun that instead of bullets shoots out other, smaller guns.

* social conservative: I don't know what these words mean so I will only say MAYBE?

* pro-creationism: Mixed. When asked who created Life As We Know It she was seen only to shrug and share a wink
with a nearby lobster wearing a top hat and monocle.

* "Pro-life": True. Rescued a baby bird from a cat. When others told her that the mother would no longer care for it
because it smelled like a person, she coolly replied that "Birds have a very poor sense of smell." Science supports
her answer, but all agreed that they didn't like her tone.

* "Experienced": There are quotation marks around this one, so I'm assuming it refers to something tawdry and I
refuse to speculate.

* political maverick: Not at all, unless you count that time we got kicked out of a John Tesh concert for
screaming "Tesh/Strongsad '08! Tesh/Strongsad '08! Tesh/Strongsad '08!" through his entire performance of "You Are
The Wind Beneath My Wings".

* gutsy: absolutely!

* open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not
good at explaining actions.

* has a developed philosophy of public policy: I know you are but what am I?

* "a Greenie": no. She is not an easily-digestable eco-friendly snack for dogs or cats.

* fiscal conservative: She's never spent more than she had.

* pro-infrastructure: I assume this refers to all that stuff that holds buildings up, so Yes. I mean, true.

* pro-tax relief: Completely eliminated the state tariffs on tiny top hats and monocles, and slashed property
taxes on all gerbil home construction after 1998.

* pro-small government: Yup. She calls no man mister.

* pro-labor/pro-union. I thought this said "pro-Funion" which is an onion-flavored corn snack. MAYBE?


This is a response to the New York Times Op-Ed, "Jaclyn Backhaus? Really?".

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I believe politics are like World of Warcraft.

Trolls don't care if you call them trolls, elves are going to be pro-bows, and there are as many ways to play as there are players.

Enthusiasm for the game results in higher levels and cooler weapons.

Too much enthusiasm results in cramped hands and a food pyramid that has potato chips as its first and third tier.

So remember, fellow citizens, that we've all been there. Everyone at one time or another has clicked on a sheep until it explodes. And that's cool.

Confusing the amount of level-70 characters you have like John McCain confuses his houses? Not so cool.

Perspective is key. I know tempers are flaring now, but we're not fooling anyone. We all know we're just killing time until Starcraft 2.

I imagine it will go something like this:

"Nice mount. This is my spaceship."