Friday, September 05, 2008

An Insider Report on Jaclyn "Don't Stop Believin" Backhaus

So many people have asked me what I know about Jaclyn Backhaus in the last few days that I decided to write something up.

Basically, Jaclyn turned me into a whale. I got better, but I still have a furious addiction to krill-flavored corn snacks.

She claims to be anti-zombie, but I know for a fact that she played a dead woman in a play. The play's message was distinctly pro-undead.

As a supporter of the 90's, she voted to extend the year 1996 for 18 months, which would have cost taxpayers billions, but admittedly would have given us a couple more seasons of Fresh Prince.


* "Hockey mom": No one has ever claimed this.

* "PTA mom": True. Jaclyn was a member of Parental Training for Arthropods, after she inherited her great-grand-uncle's beloved
pet lobster, Jubilance Pinchybottoms the 3rd. After Jubi joined the Canadian Royale Coaste Guarde, she promptly
quit the organization.

* "NRA supporter": Absolutely true. She is known to have received their highest honor, a signed photograph of Charlton
Heston firing a rare gun that instead of bullets shoots out other, smaller guns.

* social conservative: I don't know what these words mean so I will only say MAYBE?

* pro-creationism: Mixed. When asked who created Life As We Know It she was seen only to shrug and share a wink
with a nearby lobster wearing a top hat and monocle.

* "Pro-life": True. Rescued a baby bird from a cat. When others told her that the mother would no longer care for it
because it smelled like a person, she coolly replied that "Birds have a very poor sense of smell." Science supports
her answer, but all agreed that they didn't like her tone.

* "Experienced": There are quotation marks around this one, so I'm assuming it refers to something tawdry and I
refuse to speculate.

* political maverick: Not at all, unless you count that time we got kicked out of a John Tesh concert for
screaming "Tesh/Strongsad '08! Tesh/Strongsad '08! Tesh/Strongsad '08!" through his entire performance of "You Are
The Wind Beneath My Wings".

* gutsy: absolutely!

* open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not
good at explaining actions.

* has a developed philosophy of public policy: I know you are but what am I?

* "a Greenie": no. She is not an easily-digestable eco-friendly snack for dogs or cats.

* fiscal conservative: She's never spent more than she had.

* pro-infrastructure: I assume this refers to all that stuff that holds buildings up, so Yes. I mean, true.

* pro-tax relief: Completely eliminated the state tariffs on tiny top hats and monocles, and slashed property
taxes on all gerbil home construction after 1998.

* pro-small government: Yup. She calls no man mister.

* pro-labor/pro-union. I thought this said "pro-Funion" which is an onion-flavored corn snack. MAYBE?


This is a response to the New York Times Op-Ed, "Jaclyn Backhaus? Really?".

No comments: