Thursday, October 14, 2004

Today I found out what a breast implant feels like.

I'm assuming I found out the way most people find out. I donated blood.

There was a blood drive at work today. Donating blood earns me a day off and all the juice boxes I could drink. I also get to duck out of work to donate.

All for giving up a little blood. Why not? I'm full of the stuff.

I opted to give two units of red blood cells instead of whole blood. I had never done it before but I understood the procedure. Twice the amount of blood would be drawn from my eager veins, the blood would be separated into plasma, platelets, and red blood cells. My plasma would be returned to me to prevent me from collapsing into a quivering heap.

Sadly, returning the plasma does not make up the disparity between lost blood and gained fluids. Hence the large bag of saline solution hanging innocently nearby...

So now I'm full of saline solution. Just like a breast implant.

I intend to take full advantage of the situation. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the bar to rake in the free drinks.

Truly, donating blood is the gift that keeps on giving.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

True, true, those mischevious Canadians burned down the White House.  No hard feelings, though.  Really, I consider history from 1776 to the 1820's as America's freshman year.

Besides, we had it coming after a gangly, socially awkward US torched York, the Canadian capital.

It's sad what the kids in those days would do for attention.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Dear Christopher Columbus,

I have been at work today since 6 am despite the fact that today is Columbus Day.

Please rise up from the grave and mete out vengeance upon those responsible and, time permitting, their brethren.

Respectfully yours,


P.S.  If by chance you were buried at sea, let me know and I will send a boat for you, O Intrepid Zombie Explorer.