Friday, July 26, 2019

Watson's biopsy on his splenic mass came back negative, aka benign. It's a good thing. The lung mass is still an unknown. Overall, he's feeling much better. Enjoying his current diet of rice and ground beef. He seems happy.

Monday, July 22, 2019


Watson is recovering at home and I am glad. He had not one, but three pieces of different toys in his small intestine. Seem to have been in there for a while. The vet removed two feet of his small intestine as well. He's eating small amounts of food, drinking water, and even trying to climb on to the bed even though he's not supposed to until he heals more.

When the vet x-rayed him, they found a growth on Watson's spleen and a large mass on his lung. We had the spleen removed since they were already in there for the toy removal, and that's currently out for biopsy. It's probably malignant, considering the lung mass. The mass on his lung would probably require a lobectomy to remove, and we're not going to put him through that. If it's as it appears, and the splenic tumor already metastasized and caused the lung cancer, his life expectancy is less than a year.

We'll see how fat we can Watson until the cancer gets the rest of him. The Lopez Family Motto is: "Always go out fighting. Unless you can go out eating; then definitely go out eating."

I do love this hound.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Watson L. Dog is sick and I am sad. The soonest vet appointment we could get is for this afternoon. We were on a list to get him in earlier in case of cancellation but the vet called my cell from a different number, and I was on a call with a sales rep. Too late I realized that it might be the vet, and the appointment had been taken.

One of those small moments that can make you feel like a crushing failure of a caregiver.

He's 11 now, and this fear is different than his previous brushes with death because of it. The likelihood of it being something we can't fix increases.

I don't want him to leave me, but Watson is his own dog; he calls no man master. Although he can say "mama."

Tuesday, June 04, 2019

I wonder if depression ever really goes away. For me, my medication keeps it an arm's-length away, but some days it pushes in pretty close. I haven't been walking quite as much this week, mainly because I haven't found an interesting video game. At least I think it's general boredom of my current games. It's probably all related. Feel bad enough to disrupt the routine, feel worse because the routine is disrupted.

I welcome the occasional disruption because there's a better-than-average chance that I'm obsessing over something that maybe I don't need to be obsessing about. Like when you're in the ocean swimming fiercely against huge waves and then realize you forgot what you're swimming towards. Was I just swimming or trying to get somewhere?

There is still a powerful urge to discard half my possessions. I love my stuff, but I also love space and I love not thinking about getting stuff.

Kelly and I went to Phoenix Fan Fusion (nee' Comic-Con) and there were a great many toys and trinkets I wanted. I resisted purchasing anything, until the final day we went when I picked up some art. Having art feels more like having an experience.

Except now I have to go buy frames. The Crush always gets you.

Still, it'd be fun to be obsessed with something. Don't have to push away despair if you're always on the move. It's powerful, but oh so slow.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

My poor brain. I've been bombarding it with Youtube videos and music and other distractions. All this passive media is scraping away my grooves, overwriting my surface layer. It's not self-governance I've accomplished; it's just keeping myself unfocused. Can't cause any trouble if I don't think about anything longer than five minutes. I had a brain medication that did much the same thing. I didn't like it.

Have to carve back into myself. Rewrite the habit script. Maybe cause a little trouble. Just a little bit.


What's funny is that I drank for two days in a row, which is unusual for me. That interrupt made me feel a bit depressed. Not unhappy, just feeling the symptoms of depression. It's still connected to a lot of things about myself that I do like. I don't think it has to be, it just kind of is.

Otherwise I'm feeling okay. Walking every day. Losing weight. Getting stronger. Maybe dumber. Not sure. Might be a good time to figure that out.