Thursday, September 09, 2004

This morning, I received the following e-mail:

Topic: Borders. Merely a bookstore or fictitious lines drawn imaginarily by You decide.

Please elaborate.

Thank you,

Sir Duke Count Chancellor Bryan Von Hildebrandtendenderschnitzel

I responded:

Honorable Duke Count Chancellor Bryan Von,

Even saying that Borders are both fictitious lines and a bookstore is a gross understatement; on par with saying Jesus was a pretty nice guy.

We must first examine the origin of borders. We will begin our journey before the beginning of time itself...

In the beginning the universe was void. This was very boring for the universe. So, the universe decided that it needed a point. It got one and it looked like this -> .

The universe was very pleased with it's new point. However, after a while the universe realized that a single point is useless by itself. A point without another point to reference itself to is pointless. (This frustrating epiphany is considered the creation of mathematics.)

The universe got itself another point. With the addition of this point came relativity. With relative movement to measure, the concept of time became more than just something to discuss dryly at social gatherings. Time became practical.

The universe was so pleased by this unexpected effect of having a couple of points that it purchased a very nice wristwatch which it promptly lost it on the beach of some obscure planet. In a few millennia, a man walking along the same beach would find that wristwatch and declare it teleological proof of the existence of God.

The universe accumulated point after point after point. When it finally reached 10,000 points, (simultaneously creating and then breaking the very first high-score,) the universe noticed something it did not expect. Some of the points began to connect. The first lines were created.

The universe was not pleased. It knew that nothing good would come of these new lines. It was only a matter of time before lines would crowd up the place, create a second dimension, crowd up that place, and then create a third dimension. Upon the over-crowding of the third dimension, a fourth would have to be created. The creation of a fourth dimension, the universe knew, would lead to the creation of countless bad science-fiction novels.

Things were getting out of hand.

The universe decided to kick out all the lines. This was an easy decision considering the lines were always playing music at late hours, eating all the food in the refrigerator, and refusing to pay their share of the water bill.

The lines, now homeless, are forced to wander from place to place and reside wherever anyone will let them. Early governments quickly realized that establishing lines around their territory would clear up all the confusion the governments were having about deciding exactly when it was okay to shoot someone.

Thus, borders were established, lines found their place in the grand scheme of things, and giant book-music-coffee shops were built to give the illusion that there is actual purpose and meaning to anything anyone was doing.

But, as I think I have illustrated, purpose and meaning were never the point.



Wednesday, September 08, 2004


It's kind of strange to write again after...however long it's been.  I feel like I'm sneaking into my bedroom window long past my curfew even though I'm pretty sure I've been caught.

I guess blogging can be as much about what I don't write.

Having said that, school is going well.  It is a bit grating having Italian class on the campus of a Catholic school, but that's to be expected.  I understand why the security guards are so quick to jive strangers on campus.  The school has Hummer golf carts for the guards to patrol on.  Those very expensive Hummer golf carts.

I can imagine the conversation that led to their purchase:

"Gee, Bob, looks like we've helped every single orphaned child in the world.  What shall we do with all this extra money?"

"Hey Ed, let's buy gratuitously expensive golf carts to patrol the campus!"

"The campus that just spent all of 4 minutes walking across?"

"The very same, Ed, the very same."

Later, when we were talking about our weekends in class, a girl boasted in Italian how her friend was drunk and grabbed the cross of her neck.  So, of course, she punched her in the face.  If I had known how to say "Yeah, just like Jesus would have done," in Italian, I would have.

I love hypocrisy.

Eck, break time has been over for a few minutes.  Hey, maybe if Mulk fixes my wireless internet card on my laptop, I'll be able to write more.  So if you haven't heard from me, please direct all complaints to him.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

We Are Experiencing Mental Difficulties.
We Apologize For Any Inconvenience.