Kelly Lopez (nee' Kuntz) and I have been legally married in the state of Arizona. Meg Taylor performed the tiny but lovely ceremony which consisted of Kelly's grandparents and my best pal, Brian Young. A few ducks were also in attendance.
Legally married, I say, but in the Mexican culture there are specific rules for the young males who dare marry outside of the Mexican culture. In order to prove myself strong enough to enter the land of "The Ghost-Faced Smilers" (as we call white people), I must obliterate 50 pinatas, drink a bottle of tequila, and make enough burritos for everyone in attendance. All in the time from when the sun touches the horizon and before it finally sinks into night.
So, tactics become important. Traditional approaches are to drink the tequila in one go, kill the pinatas, and then make all the burritos. However, anyone who has ever drunkenly rolled a burrito will tell you that this is a path to despair.
I tend to think less than traditionally. Thus, I plan to cut down the rope holding the pinatas, run them all over with one pass of my motorcycle, and blend up the tequila into a giant margarita which I will leave unattended while I roll up the burritos.
Nobody will be able to resist stealing some of my delicious margarita and this should finish it enough of it to leave me standing the rest of the night, and strong enough to hunt down and bring back the skin of a chupacabra by dawn.
Kelly and I would like to have the wedding on Halloween of 2009. I haven't fleshed out my wedding party yet, but likely they will be the Justice League or perhaps the Animated Series Batman villains. I will be dressed as Alan Moore.
There will be an open bar, but I don't think it will be a traditional open bar. There will be a massive stockpile of booze and mixers and the only rule will be that you CANNOT pour your own drink. You have to make someone a drink while they make you a drink.
And for those who get too belligerent, I will roofie them and the appropriate costumed character will be photographed over your body.
Oh yes, far less than traditional. Perhaps some choreographed dances, more traditional Mexican feats of honor, and Youtube breaks.
Thank you for all of the loving thoughts and exclamations of confusion. All is exactly as it should be.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The comic that says out loud what we're all thinking.
The comic depicts my plan for the education of my children. As there are so few rainy days here in Phoenix, I will hit them fairly hard and berate them mercilessly until they have no choice but to escape into a world of fantastic literature.
To subscribe to my parenting newsletter, please leave your contact information below.