Saturday, May 27, 2006

Evolution teaches us that the second most important goal in the existence of a living thing is to reproduce. In humans, birth is an experience that becomes lost in the first ripples of memory. To forget such miracles seems to be the hallmark of the species. But there are other epiphanies. When one realizes that they are actually one of many. When each day makes the world larger and larger. Growth. Change.

I find myself teetering on the brink of another epiphany, on the verge of the answer to another question. What changes when a human being shifts from survivor to creator? From spectator of life to biological architect. What prompted evolution, that blind deity of life, to suddenly bestow upon me the power to create order from chaos?

Today I felt the weight of life settle comfortably upon my shoulders, as if it had always been there, as constant as gravity and as reassuring as the warmth of the sun.

Today I learned that I am a mother.

A couple of weeks ago I had helped a woman and her son pick out a hamster at ye olde pet shop. They had never had a hamster before so I spent a fair amount of time helping them find everything their new pet would need to be happy (I assume hamsters can be happy because I know they can be pissed off.) The hamster the family picked was a male and the little boy named it after me. I felt honored as I waved goodbye as they walked home with their new hamster.

Today I learned that Guillermo the hamster has given birth to 6 healthy baby hamsters. Yes, I had incorrectly identified the hamster as male when it was really a female, and a knocked-up one.

To be fair, it is very difficult to figure out the sex of a dwarf hamster. I'm not even sure how they tell each other apart. I figure hamster courtship is equal parts perseverance, hamster booze, and luck.

So Guillermo the hamster is now Guillermina the hamster. And the majestic biological ballet goes on.

Friday, May 26, 2006

I don't dislike country music. I'm a huge fan of the banjo, the steel guitar, and I loves me some harmonica. As I was driving home from work last night I realized exactly what kind of country music I don't like; songs that sound like they've been written by some schmoe driving home from work while staring at his dashboard. Songs that sound a-like so:

Check coolant,
Low fuel,
Service engine soon

Doin 75 and my temp is rising
Gas is in the red and the miles keep piling on me

First my tires now my head is balding
I've never stopped rolling so why'm I mossing?
Feel like the devil chewed me up and now he's flossing
Can't get off the tracks of this railroad crossing

Check coolant,
Low fuel,
Service engine soon

Thursday, May 25, 2006

There is a mythical beast called a lah-dor. From afar the creature would appear to be a stocky, medium-sized dog a bit on the fluffy side. It does not have a head, but an almost human face is set in the middle of its back so that it is always facing the sky. No one is sure how or what the beast eats but all agree that it is probably quite messy.

The lah-dor has short, thick legs each with an almost human foot pointing outward. With this odd pedal arrangement, it is difficult to know if the lah-dor is walking towards something or just backing away from something else. Since the lah-dor's vision is extremely limited by its celestial orientation, it is very possible that the lah-dor doesn't know either.

There have been reports of people befriending a lah-dor, but all have said that it was a difficult one because they weren't sure that the lah-dor necessarily enjoyed their particular company or merely disliked the company of everyone else. Also, the lah-dor will not sleep if there is anyone else nearby. Whether this is a trust issue or a lah-dor simply does not sleep at all is not known. The latter is unlikely, since a large part of the lah-dor's behavior and temperament is consistent with that of someone who has just been woken up. Also, for all intents and purposes, lah-dor do not talk.

There have been no reports of friendships with a lah-dor lasting more than a year.

The lah-dor enjoys the warmth of day but is almost exclusively active at night because it has no way to shield its eyes from the piercing rays of the sun. There are diurnal lah-dor but they only occur in heavily wooded areas. They come in two colors; a greyish-brown or a brownish-grey.

The lah-dor are believed to be severely small in number or even extinct. Breeding programs were abandoned because lah-dor fail to thrive in captivity. Although, to be absolutely fair, the lah-dor doesn't seem to do all that great out of captivity either.

More information on the lah-dor can be found at any local library that does not exist.

Or you can just ask me about it and I'd be happy to lie to you some more.