Ah the joys of owning puppies. Vet visit this morning for Miss Mabel. Had a bit of vaginitis. Now she gets to wear a cone for a couple weeks while the antibiotics work their science magic.

My feet feel good. My heart feels okay. My mind is swirling the water a bit. 

I will tend to my bamboo plants. Perhaps they will provide clarity with their bambooey ways.

Sitting here wondering what is this desire to find an audience. What is this craving to be seen. What is this yearning to be known, understood, dissected, disseminated.

It's prevalent, I know that. Or at least it seems to be. It's hard to gauge, I think, because surely there are those who don't want to be noticed and I bet they do a pretty good job of it.

As for me, I will continue to disguise myself by placing a warm towel on my face. 

I accidentally waterboarded myself yesterday while I was doing this. It tricked my brain for a moment while I was leaning back and letting the warm, damp towel cover my whole face. I could breathe, but because it's wet my instinct is to hold my breath. Then when I did inhale my brain thought I was breathing in water. 

Very tortuous; I was ready to tell me everything.

Or at least make something up.

Maybe I will break down and buy a facial steamer thing. They look pretty relaxing and I bet it's not prohibited by the Geneva Convention.

My feet feel better today. What if all my walking pains have been caused by my center of vision being askew this whole time? I remember a Women's Studies class I had where the professor was talking about holistic healing (not the quackery stuff, more like a medical doctor that approaches the body the opposite way specialists do). My professor had a pain in her leg, and she also had a vision issue in her left eye. The professor told the doctor "But the eye thing is unrelated" and the doctor said "You use your eyes when you move, so what makes you think it's unrelated?"

That reminds me, I need to see the eye doctor. Getting low on the contact lenses.

The ball of my right foot feels much better. Moving the TV so I'm centered again while Twitch broadcasting may have an effect. Or I got tougher. Maybe both?

I've talked about getting rid of stuff but I have yet to act on it. Today, an electrician is coming to the house to replace all the outlets and moving stuff makes me realize how much I don't like stuff. Or I guess I don't like the idea of stuff. 

Stuff why you do dis?

I walked and streamed on Twitch yesterday. I noticed I had one viewer almost the entire time. I wonder. Some of my friends might be kind enough to just throw on my channel but not actually watch it so I don't get lonely. The idea of this makes me happy.

My content goal is almost entirely non-existent, as this is just a thing to do while I'm already walking. And yet, I am human with a human brain and I do respond to attention and feedback and shiny things.

Outside of video games, I've started putting a warm washcloth on my face at work because it's incredibly relaxing. Why am I not doing this all the time? Oh right, the sogginess would damage my electronics. For now. 

There is much to do. Feel a sense of urgency in my bones. Perhaps a side effect of working jobs in which you are always given more to do than can be done. Anxiety? Not quite, although thematically similar. Yes, that's probably the result of feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something but I'm doing the wrong thing instead. What is my human brain forgetting?

Always something. 

I did the Twitch thing again yesterday. It was quiet. I had a troll the other day, someone popped in to tell me I was terrible and then disappeared. I laughed and said, "Yeah."

The ball of my right foot was tender this morning. I wonder if it's related to the Twitch streaming. The interface moves the "center" of my screen to the left, so now I'm not perfectly lined up when I walk. Is this affecting my stride? I expect it does. I'll tinker with it this evening.

At least I'm not falling off.

What do I want to accomplish by streaming my gameplay? Not much, really. If anyone wants to chat about random stuff that would be fun. I do enjoy a good argument. It's an opportunity for interaction, which I welcome, since I'm working out and any distraction from the difficulty will help me. 

Not something I want to do as a profession. The audience is the world, and the world is never satisfied. 

There's a world out there and it wants money. I've started broadcasting on Twitch because why not. I'm not sure what part of my soul I may have sold by accepting the terms of use agreement. We shall see.

It does add an element of motivation. I'm still walking while I play; I guess it feels a little less lonely if people can jump on and say hi or mock my gameplay.

This weekend I went out for sushi and also went to Undertow, the tiki bar. Slowly introducing myself back into the wild.