Friday, June 29, 2018

I feel okay. Yesterday a noisy lumbering garbage truck took away the stuff I'd cleaned out over the weekend. It may have been weighing on me. Reminding me of other times when I've let go of things and the regret that follows. But I feel okay. Can't even remember what was in there. Maybe that's what bothers me. Hanging on to something because I thought it was important and it wasn't. Or I wanted it to be important, and it wasn't.

Trying to get unstuck from the idea of what I was and what I am and what I want to be. Treat the story as a loop, stop looking for beginnings and endings. Chapters. Chapters are useful.

In this chapter, I try to shake myself of the influences on my desires. We'll get to the desires themselves later; for now the first step is to understand the forces at work. My value to the nation is to be a productive worker, which generates treasure for the keys to power. This isn't the worst situation because I still have some currency, my work, to exchange for resources that I can allot to my own values. Existentially, it's a bit tough on morale. It would be nice to feel appreciated, with the caveat that feeling appreciated is not a real indicator of anything. Also, I am suspicious of any compliment I didn't fish for.

In this chapter I realize I'm pretty okay with the work-consume-work cycle, except that I'm aware of it. Or want things above my station. Note to self: research starting a church. I will hold auditions for a suitable deity this Sunday at the empty canal.

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