I need a t-shirt that says "This is a comedic bit, not a strongly-held belief".

Or maybe just a shirt that says "Contains 0% strongly-held beliefs". 

Other ideas: 

"Insert Coin for Comedic Rant"

"No Idea What I'm Talking About"

Just a picture of Norm Macdonald

Some kind of sensor that measures how much I'm talking and my volume and lights up a meter that says "Bullshit-ometer". Ooh, or a gauge that goes from green to red, like a tachometer. Have it read my heart rate on my smartwatch.