My older brother, Miguel, makes me laugh. He used to just make me mad, but now he mostly just makes me laugh. He has M.Advice. I now have G.Advice. I stole it from him. Just like he stole my bike from me when I was six. Some might disagree, and would say it wasn't really stealing, since he only took it from the backyard to the front-yard. To them I would say, "Why are you arguing with a six-year-old?

G.Advice

What to do when being scolded, reprimanded, yelled at, or berated.

I wouldn't say I smoke. I have smoked, and in all honestly I may yet again.

But I'm no chiminey like Lauren H.

But some circumstances call for a smoke.

Such as being yelled at by someone.

When someone is really mad at you and trying to talk/yell at you, ignoring them will only anger them. And you don't want that.

You want to enrage them.

So listen intently. Maintain eye contact. Let them speak until they finish, un-interrupted. And while you do this...

smoke a cigarette as impudently as possible.

Not a smoker?

Then just eat some messy, unwieldy, food item, like a foot-long meatball submarine sandwich. Or, better yet, one of those giant, roasted, turkey-legs you can usually only find at the Renaissance Festival or Arts Festivals in down-town Phoenix.

Vegetarian?

Bust out the blender and whip up a wheat-grass smoothie. Blend...then stop. Blend...then stop. Repeat much more than necessary. Any way you spell it, the ol' blend-stop is always Morse Code for "infuriating."

Remember to always keep as much eye contact as possible. Don't even look at the food. If something gets on your face, just leave it.

Time your chewing carefully. You want to finish whatever it is you're eating just as they finish ranting.

An obscenely large soda-fountain cup from your local gas station will do in a pinch. Just make sure to slurp loud enough to be heard, especially when it's finally empty.

These are also good ways to keep people from trying to have sex with you.

Eating is pretty ingrained in most people as a social activity. Yelling, not so much.

Someone eating is naturally inviting. "Come on, have a seat, grab a bite. Join me. Join the herd," a person eating unknowingly pleads to the social core of our being.

Yelling is unnatural. It draws the attentions of wild beasts and solicitors.

Combining the two confuses the brain.

Don't believe me? Go try being angry at a lasagna.

I didn't mean it about the lasagna. That was bad G.Advice.

Sorry, lasagna.

See? We are related.

PS: Good Morning, Jaden.