The Mantra Of The Mail-Boy

I am a mail-boy.

I see everything. I see birth certificates and death certificates. I see lives destroyed and lives rebuilt. I see good companies lose millions and clumsy fools gain fortunes. I see lawyers that earn 500 dollars an hour and bowling lane employees that make five.

I see acts of vengeful gods. I see people accidentally light themselves on fire again and again and again. I see taxi cabs in collisions with limousines.

I see people.

I see them sue. I see them counter-sue. I see insurance adjustors swarm in to carefully measure pain and suffering until they can slap a price tag on it.

From 8 am to 4:30 pm I peruse through a thousand reasons to never leave the house and a thousand more to never step foot inside again.

Husbands and wives unite against common enemies. I see them turn on each other. I see injustice after injustice after injustice. I may never know if the innocent are spared and the guilty punished.

I am a mail-boy.

I have the world inside a 4-digit post office box. And there is nothing I can do because it is not addressed to me.

I can only provide solace to dead letters and graves to torn envelopes.

I am a mail-boy.

Dedicated to Amber. Even though she sat idly by and only laughed when we were playing volleyball and my team was soundly trounced by a couple of drunk guys and a pretty, blonde, philosophy major that had just been passing by and joined in.

No one blames you for not helping us out, or even for our crushing defeat, Amber. Really.

* * * * *

I have decided to call my pirate ship "The Brown Pearl."

What? What's everybody looking at?

Anyway, I'm also going to invent a drink that will be served exclusively on "The Black Pearl." It's going to be a type of shot called "The White Whale."

Of course, it'll need a proper chaser. That's why I'm also going to invent "The Cap'n Ahab."

Get it? Like Moby...yar. It gets very lonely at sea.

But who am I kidding? (Whom am I kidding???) The "White Whale" will probably just be a White Russian and the "Cap'n Ahab" will most likely be straight rum. Maybe with a little Red Bull, you know, for added zeal.

Yar, I be plottin' a course to good times. Looks like sailing as smooth as this fine, spiced rum.

I can picture it now. I'll be out there on my ship all night trying to navigate by stars drowned out by the light of the city. I can see Luis coming out in the morning to check on me: "Mom! Memo's got himself lashed to the inflatable Shamu!"

My mom: "Again?! Madre de Dios! Why do we even keep that thing around?!"

Me, (struggling against the ropes): "Fie, you mulatto leviathan! Fie! You'll taste the cold iron of my harpoon yet! ...What is everybody looking at?!"

Hmm...on second thought, maybe I won't invent those drinks. But it's okay because I have plenty of other drink ideas. Look, here's a good one. It's called "The Albatross."

Now that just has "successful voyage" written all over it.