Dear Natalie Portman,

When I first met you all those many years ago in The Professional, I knew this relationship was going to be challenging. I was a young kid writing silly stories. And you, you had a crush on an older man. A hired killer, no less.

I thought that I was very supportive at the time.

I don't think I have to bring up the whole Star Wars kick you've been on. I'm aware that in fact, I did just bring it up. But who could blame you, or anyone, for that matter? I don't recall a single person who heard about more Star Wars movies and saying "I have a bad feeling about this."

In light of all we've been through, I think it's time that I voice my opinion on an issue on which I cannot yield, even for you.

I understand that Pants-Down Friday is a radical new movement that is sweeping the world. It is natural to be apprehensive about such revolutionary thinking. I'm going to need your support during this time of trial and tribulation.

As you've pointed out, it is "illegal in most public places." I have always respected your intelligence and honesty. Those two traits are the perfect complements to your artistic free spirit.

I can only say this:

You, Miss Portman, wear political shirts in support of your beliefs; I drop my pants on Fridays in support of my beliefs. If you can't understand this, I see no reason why I should take care of your fish while you're away.

At least, not on the weekends. I may be out with any number of my other imaginary love interests.

Oh, don't look at me that way. You know what this was.

Sincerlee,

Guillermo