News From The Front Lines

Captain Gurg Frenzy, 1st Lieutenant D.C, 2nd Lieutenant Jake, Master Sergeant Molly, Corporal Jamie, Specialist Andrew, Private 1st Class Nick, and also a Private that nobody seems to know are deep in Norwegia, battling an army of Giant Red King Crabs. Their mission? To find an rescue Hannah...and kill and feast on as many Giant Crabs as possible.

With guns blazing and shell-crackers in hand, they managed to fight all the way to Oslo, the capital of Norwegia, and secure it.

There, they rendezvoused with Mr. and Mrs. Walle, who patiently explained to them again that Hannah was studying safely in Australia.

Realizing that they had been acting on erroneous intelligence, our brave group of crab-killers began the trek back to the Norwegian Sea and their landing craft The ShellShocker.

Just before they reached the sea, they stopped to camp and drink some of the beer that Jamie had brought. After a few drinks, Captain Gurg Frenzy remembered his vow to destroy the sun and began firing wildly at the arrogant celestial orb.

This attracted a battalion of the Red King Crabs and our heroes were forced to entrench themselves and go toe-to-cheliped with the Giant Red buggers.



"Captain, look! More flawed intelligence; these things aren't red at all!"

It is with a grievous heart that we report this breaking news: The random Private that nobody seemed to know has died bravely on the field of battle. Our heroes are shaken by the loss; none of them could have foreseen such tragedy.



"Ow! Ow! Ow!"


[Excerpt from eulogy given by Cpt. Frenzy:] "What can you really say about the guy? I mean, really? That guy right there, that was the guy. Eh...Damn you, Crabs!!! Why must the good (as I'm sure he was) always die so young!!!"

At this point in the eulogy, Cpt. Frenzy realized what he had forgotten to do when the Private was initially wounded and began to shout, "MEDIC!!! MEDIC!!!" until he was reminded that they didn't even have a medic. He was then asked why he was holding a funeral service in the middle of an attack anyway and that they really should all be trying very hard not to get killed as well. He had thrown up his hands and said with exasperation, "Fine! Let's just do everything that you want to do!" The battle was then resumed.]

So, at this very moment, our brave warriors are standing bravely against the ferocious enemy crabs, with brave hearts and spirits shooting out bravery the way their Plasma Blasters...blast plasma.

They struggle bravely...for all mankind.

This just in: There appears to be some kind of "new, more-gianter crab" that has joined the assault on our heroes. For those of you wondering why our intelligence has failed us yet again, do not be so quick to judge. Have you not taken the factions of Communism into account? Surely, they must have some hand in this deception.

We now go live to our heroes engaged in glorious combat. They have already recovered from their initial surprise at the More-Gianter Crab and are scrambling to counter the new threat:



"We're gonna need more butter!"



They're doing their part. Are you?


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