In addition to being Third Person Thursday, yesterday was apparently also Make Guillermo Awkward Thursday.

Advice Girl Strikes Again

I got a phone call from Advice Girl (the real one in my class, not the blog one.) She had left me a message saying that she wanted to be her date at a party she was going to on Saturday.

I called her back to tell her that I didn't want to go.

I find myself not wanting to go into the particulars of the conversation. It should suffice to say that I had to work very hard to make certain concepts understood. Particularly that I didn't want to go out on Saturday night or any of the following nights.

Well, maybe I will get into one particular:

She had asked me why I didn't want to. Before I could answer she had quickly asked "Is it me?"

Maybe I just think too critically sometimes, but I found that statement to be the pinnacle of hypocrisy. She is not an attractive girl, and she seemed to be trying to make me feel guilty that I wasn't looking beyond her physical appearance and giving her a chance.

I wanted to ask, "And why are you asking me out when I've only seen you a total of three times in class and have exchanged less than a handful sentences with you?"

I think it would have been a fair question. One I could have even answered for her.

She is asking me out because she thinks I'm good-looking.

She's not asking me out because I like to read, or love my brothers, or because I used to watch The Adventures of Milo and Otis over and over when I was little, all of which are qualities I find very attractive in others.

She is asking me out because of my physical appearance. Arguably, the aspect of myself that I have the least do with. My parents passed decent genes on to me and then fed me right.

To ask someone out based solely on their appearance and to then get upset when physical appearance is a factor of rejection is...illogical.

Yeah, so that was fun.

Birthday Girl

Yesterday was also my friend and co-worker Natalie's birthday. I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday since she works mainly mornings and I rarely see her. We talked for a bit and then she asked...The Question.

"So do you have a girlfriend yet?" [not exactly The Question]

"Girlfriend? Yet? A?" I wasn't sure how to answer that. Of course, the obvious thing to say would have been "No," but this was what we in the business like to call a "loaded question."

"Really, why don't you have a girlfriend? [<--The Question] You're nice, you have a job, a car, a nice family and you go to school. And you're, you know, cute."

I forget exactly what I said, but I stammered through the rest of the conversation.

I thought about it after I hung up. In high school, all the students had taken "compatibility tests" the week before Valentine's Day. We could then purchase the results for a dollar to see what other students we were compatible with.

Dan R. and I must have done really well, because we ended up on all the girls' lists. We were nerdy Freshman at the time, so it became our running joke that "we look good...on paper."

So that will be my excuse from now on. "I only look good on paper." It's a good replacement for the "I keep odd hours" excuse, which makes me sound like a sociopath.

But sheesh. It's almost enough to depress a guy.

But I can't be depressed. Not when it is now officially...one moment...okay, now it is officially Pants-Down Friday.

And not when I get to write fun stuff like this:

Update from The Federal Newsfeed for War Against Crabs (F.N.W.A.C.):

Ace Fighter Pilot David DoBell violated direct orders and set out to rescue Cpt. Frenzy's squad in an Outrider that he hi-jacked from a Star Wars game.

He succeeded in returning safely with all the soldiers. Except for that one guy, who had turned out to be alive after all. The unknown Private had been blown out of the cargo hatch while jettisoning a stowaway crab. He had fallen the several hundred feet to the ground and landed on his keys.

Cpt. Frenzy was promptly court-martialed and found guilty of 34 counts of Stupefying Incompetence and 1 count of Thinking With The Wrong Head.

He has been stripped of his rank and sentenced to death. When asked what he would like for his last meal he quipped, "Anything but crab!"

A particular ironic statement to make considering he is to be executed by being fed to a captive Giant Red King Crab in the Federal Coliseum at the stroke of midnight.

A petition is being circulated to garner the signatures of citizens for Gurg Frenzy's immediate release.

A petition is also being circulated to execute Gurg Frenzy twice so that he will be "twice as dead."

Yet another petition is being circulated by the Green Faction to outlaw the circulation of petitions because of the amount of paper required to collect the signatures that are "signed in blood on the skins of our defenseless trees."

DoBell is awaiting a court-martial for various copyright and trademark violations against LucasArts.