Thursday, February 05, 2004

Meanwhile, back in The Royal Scrivening Room...

Dryly Snydesdale: Official Gurg! We have a situation!

I (Official Gurg of the Nation-State of Guillermo): What is your cause for such alarm, my Head Scrivener?

Snydesdale: Bigger Brother is here! They claim to have a warrant to search the palace!

I: Bigger Brother? The name sounds familiar, but I am unable to recall exactly why.

Snydesdale: Sir, please! Bigger Brother is the regiment of Thought Police that you accepted in lieu of payment during a business transaction with one of the Anti-Utopias.

I: Business transac...Oh! Yes, the one we sold all those rat traps to?

Snydesdale: Precisely, sir. Now they are demanding to search the palace!

I: Well, what is it they're looking for?

Captain of Bigger Brother: I'll tell you what we're looking for!

Soldier Bigger Brothers: Hut!

I: Good evening, Captain. Please, by all means, explain the actions of you and your men.

Captain: Official Gurg, some days ago you officially stated that you had exhausted your ration of funny.

I: Indeed, I did say that.

Captain: We have reason to believe that you have been illegally importing funny.

I: I do not recall taking such action.

Captain: Oh really? Tell me, Official Gurg, are you familiar with the website, www.despair.com?

I: Indeed I am.

Captain: Did you not provide a link so that others could view this website and the funny contained therein?

I: I did.

Captain: Then you are under arrest for illegally importing funny in violation of standing funny restrictions!

Soldier Bigger Brothers: Hut!

I: Silence! I see that you "Thought Police" are poorly named. I did provide links to the website, but I did not return with any of the funny. I have violated nothing. To arrest me now would be akin to arresting me for posting directions to India on my blog without a valid passport.

Captain: Uh...

I: You have wasted enough of our time. Begone.

Captain: Wait, aren't there supposed to be three of you? There is another Head Scrivener on the payroll. Where is...Quibbles Bumbly the Third?

I: Quibbles is hiding in the broom closet.

Captain: I knew it! He's funny, isn't he?

Snydesdale: That's being rather generous, Captain. One moment, how could you know that he was hiding in the broom closet?

Captain: We here at Bigger Brother are highly trained, Head Scrivener.

Snydesdale: But you couldn't have known he was in the broom closet.

Captain: Oh, and why not?

Snydesdale: Because there was no broom closet.

I: Snydesdale, don't addle their brains any more than they already are.

Captain: What do you mean, no broom closet? I'm looking at it right now! It was always there, wasn't it men?

Soldiers: Hut!

Snydesdale: Well, it was and it wasn't. As of just a few moments ago, that broom closet was always there.

Captain: That doesn't make any sense!

Snydesdale: I'm afraid that it makes perfect sense. Has it ever occurred to you to stop and wonder why nothing around here exists until the Official Gurg mentions it?

Captain: Enough of this post-modern garbage! Regardless of what exists and what doesn't, we are here to do our job, and you will hand over this Quibbles Bumbly for questioning!

Snydesdale: I would ask rather politely, if I were you. You would like to get mentioned again at some point in the future, wouldn't you?

Soldiers: Hut?

I: It is of little importance, Snydesdale. Take Bumbly for questioning, if you wish. I, for one, will enjoy the brief respite from his constant LOL'ing.

Captain: You heard him, boys. To the broom closet!

Soldiers: Hut!

Meanwhile, The Next Day...

I: Good morning, Captain. I see that you have brought back my Head Scrivener. The questioning went well, I trust?

Captain: Yes, I suppose. We did find trace amounts of funny on him, but it tested negative. It was funny, but not Ha-Ha funny.

I: Was that all you subjected him to?

Captain: We had a team of psychologists give him a complete mental work-up. His official disposition is "Annoying."

I: As I strongly suspected all along. Is there anything else, Captain?

Captain: Eh, if I may, I'd like to point out one thing, Oh Official Gurg.

I: And that is?

Captain: Attempted funny isn't a crime. Yet.

I: I assure you, my dear Captain, that I have no idea what you are insinuating. No idea at all.

Bumbly: Don't I get to talk at all?!

I: Of course you may, Bumbly; go right ahead. Myself, I am going to sleep, so I greatly doubt that anyone will ever hear you.

Bumbly: Man, the Captain was right, you know. This post-modern writing stuff is a bunch of bull-

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