A powerful monsoon storm tore through Phoenix yesterday. Driving rain, hail the size of marbles, and winds that felled trees. I was driving home and many people had pulled over entirely. Halfway home, I recognized that I loved this. Riding through the storm. Maneuvering my little car through uncertainty. Being a little afraid.

Didn't love it enough to wish I was on a motorcycle.

Monsoon refers to seasonal winds. We get dust storms as well. Yesterday we had a large dust storm, and today it washes away.

I have a hankering to go to Nantucket. Not the Nantucket of today, but I hear that's nice too. That would be a good little goal. Go to Nantucket and mope on the beaches. Must remember to go during the off-season. Pretend I'm a disillusioned youth weary of life on land, seeking work on the sea.

Reading Moby Dick again. I wonder who would make a good Ishmael in a film adaptation. A young John Cleese would be amazing.

Have I thought this before? Probably. Ishmael was a schoolteacher, Cleese was a schoolteacher. I imagine they'd have had similar thoughts; if authority can be bestowed upon someone like me, then I cannot maintain a high opinion of authority.

And so it goes. The rulers care for certain things and think of only the things they care about. Like a myopic cyclops. No depth perception.

I have a couple days off this week. Thursday and Friday. Set an appointment to have my AC checked out on my car early in the morning, so I can't sleep in. Friday I don't know. Maybe I'll take the boys.

A couple of my shade sails came down. A reviewer on Amazon said theirs lasted 3 months. Sure enough, I bought mine in April. One failed last week, the other today.

It was a good experiment. There are more costly shade sails that appear much more durable. I'll invest in those. Eventually.

I'm a little sunburnt. Went over to Jay and Caro's yesterday and swam with the twins. It's a mild sunburn; the kind that I only notice when I rub my forehead in consternation.

I did not watch the fireworks.

I dreamed of hiking down a mountain. I hadn't climbed up, but we had to climb down. Perhaps I should pick up a pair of hiking boots, in case these dreams are prophetic.

More attempts to be more myself. The nephews came over to hang out. We went to the store, I cooked them some bratwurst. Went out to lunch with Ben O. Walked. Kelly and I saw a movie on Sunday. Regular human stuff.

Paid off a credit card. Must prepare for the inevitable recession. One down. Next is glasses, then fix windshield. Should be good after that for a while. Bought a couple of pairs of pants. Grey, so I can wear my black shirts. No need to shop for clothes for another six months at least.

I think I wanted to pick up some 60 pound weights. Patience. I could just lift the 50's more times.

I caught a few minutes of the World Cup match this morning. My mom was watching it. Mexico v. Brazil. She was excited.

My dad keeps asking what we're going to do on the 4th of July. He wants an excuse to drink. It has been a while since I've relaxed with a good beer. Maybe we can do breakfast steaks. Put out the kiddie pool for the dogs. I could use a tan. There's nothing wrong with snowy gams, but that's just not me.

I feel okay. Yesterday a noisy lumbering garbage truck took away the stuff I'd cleaned out over the weekend. It may have been weighing on me. Reminding me of other times when I've let go of things and the regret that follows. But I feel okay. Can't even remember what was in there. Maybe that's what bothers me. Hanging on to something because I thought it was important and it wasn't. Or I wanted it to be important, and it wasn't.

Trying to get unstuck from the idea of what I was and what I am and what I want to be. Treat the story as a loop, stop looking for beginnings and endings. Chapters. Chapters are useful.

In this chapter, I try to shake myself of the influences on my desires. We'll get to the desires themselves later; for now the first step is to understand the forces at work. My value to the nation is to be a productive worker, which generates treasure for the keys to power. This isn't the worst situation because I still have some currency, my work, to exchange for resources that I can allot to my own values. Existentially, it's a bit tough on morale. It would be nice to feel appreciated, with the caveat that feeling appreciated is not a real indicator of anything. Also, I am suspicious of any compliment I didn't fish for.

In this chapter I realize I'm pretty okay with the work-consume-work cycle, except that I'm aware of it. Or want things above my station. Note to self: research starting a church. I will hold auditions for a suitable deity this Sunday at the empty canal.

Now I remember! During my mid-year review at work and I had looked up ways to bullshit through pointless reviews, and I came across an article about a guy who does incredibly short employee reviews. In the article, he says executives only fire about 10% of employees for incompetence, and the other 90% are fired because they are annoying.

Suddenly it all makes sense.

There was something, there was something, now it's gone, now it's gone. Was it the blues? Was it a squeaky shoe? Was it an ache of the wrist or a kinked neck? Was it something great?

Or a feed chute, a pair of boots, circled by bleached animal bones.
Was it this?

Kelly and I went out for shrimp tacos last night. They were delicious. A little place called Tacos Jaliscos. Mexican food, but different from the Sonoran food I'm used to. City food, I might call it. I was pleased.

Took the dogs for a walk after dinner. I remembered back when Watson and I would go out to Kiwanis Park late at night and I would let him off his leash and we would scamper around like fools. Marceline is a good girl, but she's too excitable to let off the leash.