fascinating

It's like I'm outside my body watching me fall apart.

The edges of my vision get hazy and darken with every beat of my heart.

I've heard of panic attacks; maybe this is one.

Are they normally this...long?

It's different than it was last time. Different than before. That one was my fault. 

It hurts more when I feel like I was trying to do everything right this time. I'm better, damn it. I worked so hard to be better. 

Yes, the odds of success were nearly zero but I wasn't doing it because I thought I would get some reward; I'm doing this because it's what I chose to do. And still choose. 

I'm not good enough. Okay. That's probably always been true; so I'm familiar with this. 

I'll be better. I'll be patient. I'll be stubborn. I'll be accepting of where I am. I'll be smart. 

That last one is where I struggle. 

But it's different now. Because it's probably not smart to keep trying when the situation is hopeless. 

Okay, well, good thing I have all this charm.