Five Rules For Doppelgangers

First things first: The scenario I'm going to talk to you about is impossible, it will absolutely never happen, and it isn't something you will ever have to face even if you lived a hundred lives. 

But if it does happen, you can't say I didn't try to prepare you. 

Do you know what to do if you encounter a doppelganger? A separate, physical duplicate of yourself, or another person in your life? I'm not talking about a split personality, or a Jekyll and Hyde situation. I mean when the person you thought you knew is not themselves. They look like them, talk like them, act like them, but they're someone else.

But we'll get to that. 

First and foremost is the biggest problem: how can you know when you've encountered a doppelganger? Because you have to be sure before you act; otherwise you'll just look crazy. If you go around accusing people of not being who they are, you'll quickly find yourself locked up in mental institution, or worse. Making you seem like you're insane is the doppelganger's greatest defense. SO DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONVINCE ANYONE ELSE. If anyone else is going to realize the truth, they have to figure it out for themselves. For now, you have to consider yourself completely on your own. After all, there may be other doppelgangers that you haven't spotted yet. Here are five rules for dealing with doppelgangers:

RULE #1. No duplicate is ever perfect. They're not perfect because people aren't perfect. There will always be something that doesn't quite match up. Sometimes you'll get lucky and it will be something really obvious, like eating a food they always said they didn't like, or forgetting a story you told them the day before. For me, I don't like licorice, so if you see me eating it with any kind of enthusiasm, that probably isn't the real me. I mean, I will eat it if I'm really hungry but I don't actually enjoy it. I'm nice to most animals too, dogs and cats especially but pretty much all animals. I'm not afraid of bees, for instance, and if they land on me, I don't freak out. They almost never sting you unless you threaten them first. I don't like wasps though; I will crush them at every opportunity. Damn flying parasites. Lastly, I have a ravenous appetite, like I'm eating for two. If we're out and I'm not ordering seconds, or not even finishing my meals, that's a huge red flag. I'm telling you this now in case I'm replaced, to make it easier for you to catch on. And for you, if there are people that you love, you need to tell them at least three things that you would NEVER do. It's not the case that you can expect your doppelganger is just going to stumble on their own and do these things in front of you; you will probably have to orchestrate a scenario in which they have the opportunity to do the behavior. Like taking me out to a movie and then buying licorice from the concession stand. Stuff like that. 

Again, you have to be subtle. You do not want to look crazy, or worse, risk them finding out that you know.

Which brings us to:

RULE #2. Rescue the real one, if possible. There is always a chance that the doppelganger hasn't murdered the person they've replaced, and are holding them hostage. We don't need to get into all the different types of doppelgangers; that would REALLY make me sound crazy. The two camps are basically the ones who need to keep the original alive, and the ones who don't. Once you've reached near-certainty that you're dealing with a replacement, your next objective should be to learn where they are keeping the original. I'm not saying you will be able to get them back; if it's rogue scientists cloning everyone around you, the originals might be in a secure government facility somewhere that no civilian has a chance of getting into. If it's dark magic, you'll probably need to know the exact counterspell, which you won't. If it's aliens, the originals may not even be on the planet anymore. Still, it's something to be aware of. If I were being held somewhere I'd want you to at least consider rescuing me. 

Oh and you can't try to interrogate the doppelganger. They are expert liars. They already lie with their whole bodies; lying with words is even easier. If you capture them, even torture them, they'll just pretend to cry and bleed and beg and act like they have no idea what you're talking about. They'll probably tell you that YOU'RE crazy. 

They'll even decompose like real people. They're that good. 

RULE #3. Find out what they want. It's not always a grand scheme to take over the world. Some doppelgangers are just visiting. Some may have even made a deal with the original; some kind of bargain to swap lives for a while in some kind of search for personal growth or what have you. Once there was a guy who teleported his mind into his past self's mind, so not technically a doppelganger but he presented as one. Of course that's just what he said he was; I don't see how his future self could have sent himself back into his past self if his past self was destroyed shortly after I learned what he was. 

I'd say most of them are not trying to take over the world. Usually they're targeting you, specifically, to make you feel unloved, that you're not good enough, that everyone is laughing at you behind your back, and to take away anyone in your life who would truly understand and connect with you.

Usually. 

RULE #4. Sometimes you might think the doppelganger is you. This isn't what you wanted. This isn't who you thought you'd be. You wanted to be good person with family and friends and coworkers and pets. But you're not you. You look like you, you sound like you, but underneath you're someone else. You shouldn't be doing these terrible things. 

Don't be fooled. That's just the last of the doppelganger's tricks. If they fail to get everyone else to believe you're crazy, then they'll try to get ME to think I'm crazy. But it's not going to work. It'll never work. Because of the last rule. 

RULE #5: DO NOT LET THESE RULES FALL INTO ENEMY HANDS. It occurs to me that now that I've told you all this, I can't let you go. I can't risk the other doppelgangers learning about all my safeguards against their tricks. 

I am sorry. Now, where were we? Oh yes, I believe you were going to tell me where you hid the real you. Oh, you have no idea what I'm talking about? Of course, of course. I see you're not only a liar, you're also a really bad listener. 

Well that's unfortunate for you, doppelganger. Because I've gotten very, very, good at this. And if you don't tell me, then maybe the next one will. 

THE END

Author's Note: The best part of writing unreliable narrators is that I don't have to stress over the genuine compositional inconsistencies detracting from the narrative itself. Which is great because I am very sleepy. 

In seriousness, the narrator is supposed to start out sounding a little off, but harmless enough. I remember putting in the line in rule 1 where one of the examples is "forgetting a story you told them a day before" because...we've all done that someone, where they were telling you something but you were only half-listening and then they bring it up later and you maybe didn't remember every little detail. 

So yes, what I'm getting at is that in writing a story like this, it's fun to let an awkward phrasing stay awkward, and how an abrupt transition or tangent can add to the growing unease. This is one of the longest stories so far because it's honestly easier for me to write like this. 

Perhaps I should be concerned that my wheelhouse appears to be people who grow increasingly unhinged as they circle the drains of their own minds, but hey, everybody's gotta have a hobby. 

Oh, but I do really not like licorice. I will eat it though, if I were really hungry, or bored, or maybe trying to impress a lady. So if you do see me eating it, please don't jump to any conclusions. 

Unless it's black licorice. I forget that stuff still exists. If you see me eating that, kill it with fire because that is not me. 

Goodnight!