Hecka Baby Naming

How to decide what name to saddle a human being with for the rest of their lives or until they change it:

1. Do not name your children the same name as yourself. Seriously, that's the name your significant other shouts out during your passionate love-making/getting-it-on. Naming your kid that is weird. Also, it only contributes to your illusion of yourself. I'm okay with names popping up along generations, as long as there is little chance of being in the same room together when someone calls their name.

And really, it totally screws up stuff like insurance, medical records, all that bureaucratic stuff in which our lives are hopelessly mired. I've seen huge problems with health insurance especially, because a parent has the same name as the kid. It's a nightmare.

Don't do it.

2. Be aware that your imagination is simmering in a stew of cultural trends. To be blunt, the more we hear a name the more likely we are to think it's a good name. That's why you get these name explosions. It's nothing for or against using the name, just something to be aware of. To be blunt, your great idea for a name might not even be your idea.

3. Yelling the name. Can you yell the name? You're probably going to yell this name at some point. If you expect to do it a lot, practice the name by yelling it.

4. Avoid common sounds. Like the same-name thing, don't name the kid something that begins the same way as another family member. My niece is named Genevieve and her mother is named Jennifer. The beginning of their names sound the same, and their shortened forms sound the same too. Yell "JEN!" and see what happens. It's a good name for yelling though, in short form.

5. Cultural Bias. It exists. I use "William" on all my job applications. It works. Also, women with more gender-neutral or masculine names earn more money and attain higher leadership positions, it seems. Morgan, Madison, names like that. Fight the power.

6. Spelling. I am constantly spelling my name for people. It's annoying. And in a world of computer files (going back to that bureaucracy) a misspelled name also leads to problems. Paper check? But this name doesn't match your drivers license. RIIIIP.

7. Names that are also things. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, what have you. Again, good for a name if you want to be harder to search for on Google. Strange because whatever that word meant before, the child with that name will ironically never be able to hear it for its meaning, without identifying with it. That's why there are websites devoted to looking up the meaning of your name; so you can pick the website that gives you the meaning you like, and ignore the rest. It's harder to argue with literal dictionaries.

8. Nicknames and ease of pronunciation. Be aware of it, I guess. I have lots of nicknames because people can't spell/pronounce my name, and it's produced good ones, but mostly people default to "G", which is boring to me.

9. Common names are common. It's fine to have a common name. Best not to pair it with a common last name, because when there's a bunch of Davids, for example, we revert to adding the last name. Then you run into two dang Davids with the same last name and you have to just give up being friends with them altogether.

10. Middle names are a good place to go nuts. Don't waste it with another common name. That's a good place for your name, so when the kid gets yelled at and you have to use their full name, you also end up using your name, because you know whose fault this is.