Just like White Ninja from White Ninja Comics, I too have what it takes. I chose the name Salvador Dali and my ninja weapon will be blowdarts tipped with LSD that will make my enemies think they are trapped in a surrealist painting. My hideout could be a giant melting clocktower.

What with my kayak-going band of Sea Ninjas, I expect to be very busy this summer. Speaking of which, there's still time to pick up a kayak and join the crew.

Ha ha, my sister Barbara gifted me the adventure watch (with built-in-compass!) and spent a bit of time searching for it in the store. An employee at REI was happy to help but expressed disbelief at my list.

Employee: "An ice axe? Does he do a lot of mountaineering?"

Barbara: "Well he'd look quite foolish if he didn't."

Employee: "Four kayaks? Does he really need four kayaks?"

Barbara: "I think he needs six now. He's planning on taking all his stuff."

And finally

Employee: "The last watch we have is the one on display. I should ask my manager."

Barbara: "Indeed you shall."

So if I ever get lost in the future, Barbara and only Barbara will be able to wash her hands of all responsibility. She'll likely quote that age-old adage to the search-and-rescue team. "You can buy Memo a digital compass watch, but you can't push the button for him."