Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Life insurance still strikes me as one of the worst ways to make money in the world. It probably falls somewhere above being employed as the rhino-horn polisher at Crazy Ben's Rabid Rhino Conservatory but still below being a mail clerk.

Nonetheless, my corpse is now worth 50,000. Kinda like there's a bounty on my head.


It is a pretty good deal. Fifty G's for the price of one.

And After being forced to reflect on it for a bit, I decided that I may as well make the most of it.

When I drove home from work yesterday, I was nearly struck by another vehicle on two separate occasions. Neither incident was my fault. The first time, while I was on the freeway, a guy in a Honda decided there was something really great in my lane that he needed to get to immediately and he wasn't going to let a little ol' thing like my Tercel stand in his way.

I braked and swerved into my escape lane. (First rule of driving/life: Always have an out.) The guy looked over and seemed surprised to see me. I raised an eyebrow, half-smiled, and waved at him.

(This approach effectively conveys the message "Hi asshole, you just nearly killed a pretty nice guy.")

The guy in a large truck that nearly killed me as I was driving through my neighborhood received the same treatment.

Now that I have the sneaking suspicion that dying at some point is inevitable, I've decided that I may as well have a good time with it.

I'm going to put down a whole slew of people as my beneficiaries.

That's right. If you would like to get in on this, just call me or send an e-mail to my account. All I will need is your Social Security number and a mailing address, and I can add you to my policy.

I'm serious.

That felt strange to say. I'll say it again. I am serious.

After keeping however much I'm saving for my Scottish-Pirate themed funeral/party, I'm going to divide up the rest between however many people want in.

My motivation for this is two-fold. One, I'll be dead. Two, in the event that my death is under suspicious circumstances, everyone who stands to gain from my death will be gathered into a secluded mansion on a stormy night until a series of farcical events finally reveal the killer(s).


Now if you'll excuse me, I've just returned from a brain-storming session with Jaclyn and I must begin work on Gerbil Speak-easy: The Musical.

The patrons of Gerbilly's Speak-Easy will snack on sunflower seeds, the liquor will be dispensed from those little hanging water bottles, and the bootlegging Mafia types are going to be Guinea pigs.

Pei-Wei+ice cream=GENIUS!

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