Drugs Never Hurt Nobody

A mosquito bit me on the inside of my elbow, right on a vein. I have a red welt that looks like a track-mark now. Great, now I look like a heroin addict.

My only solace comes from fantasizing that the dastardly mosquito tapped directly into an artery, swelled up like an annoying little balloon, and then exploded into a billion mosquit-bits.

Let that be a lesson to the rest of you! You want my blood, you're gonna get everything that comes with it!

While the mosquitos are trying to figure out exactly what that statement means, I'll swat them with my army boot. It's the perfect plan.

Will Breaks It Down

I went to a baby shower last Saturday. It was for a friend from work. Her name is Michelle. We had been hired at the same time and gone through all of our training together. She had quickly become much better at the job than I, but we still remained friends.

The baby shower was set for a couple hours after work ended on Saturday. So, of course, after I got out of work I rushed down to Target to pick up a gift. Michelle had set up one of those gift registrys so that everyone would know what she wanted.

I thought it was a great idea; save me a lot of trouble.

There was a little computer kiosk in the Target store. I approached it, followed the prompts on the screen and then selected "Print List." Then I waited.

And waited.

Nothing was happening. I looked around helplessly. I wondered if I had managed to break it somehow.

I was planning to just make a run for it when the machine spat out a piece of paper. I snatched it up. Success! I turned to set out on my shopping adventure when I heard another page print out. I started to grab that one but stopped when yet another page printed out.

And another. And another. And another.

Now I was sure I had broken it.

The machine churned out quite a stack of papers before it stopped. I slowly gathered them up, then inched away, making sure no employees were watching me.

The list was cumbersome, but helpful. I found this pretty sweet bottle-warmer thingy. It was more than I had been planning on spending, but hey, a kid's gotta have a warm bottle.

A lot of my fellow employees and a few supervisors were at the baby shower. The handful of males (myself included) huddled around the television playing HALO and exchanging confused glances whenever a bout of high-pitched squealing erupted over a tiny outfit with matching booties.

When my gift was unwrapped (very easily, since I can't wrap a present to save my life), one of the supervisors joked, "Dang, you can't afford that, I know you guys are broke!"

It wasn't directed towards me since I hadn't revealed that the gift was from me.

Today at work, we were talking about the shower and someone brought up the subject. She thought it had been out of line for our supervisor to make that comment about my gift. I explained that I hadn't been offended by the remark.

"I'm pretty sure she was just joking," I said. "And besides, I'm poor, not broke. There is a difference."

"Break it down for us, Will," Michelle said, laughing.

I laughed, too. "Anybody can be broke. You just have to spend all of your money. You can have your house, your car, your cell phone, your clothes, all that, and still be broke. A millionaire can become broke.

I'm poor. I have my car, my cell phone, and my clothes, but they're lower quality. But, I have enough in my savings to quit this job right now and be fine for about three months, because I'm not broke."

Well, I may not be broke, but at least I can still break it down.

A Bottomless Vessel Of Iron To Hold Flesh and Bone

This ring sure is stuck on my finger. It was sitting here by the computer, all big and black and coppery, so I put it on. On the band it says, "Anything Goes." I'll have to find out who this belongs to.

If I can get it off of my finger.

Good night.