Times are hard. Times are so hard that Stephen Hawking has gotten a part-time job making robo-calls.

Times are hard in Afghanistan as well. In response to the shutdown of Lehman Brothers on Wall Street, the world's largest producer of cocaine has been burning its own cocoa fields due to a massive surplus. It's known in high school economics as "creating false demand" and it's what the US does with crops in order to drive up prices. Finally, those terrorists are starting to embracing Capitalism.

Times are so hard that my collection notices include a polite request for a stamp so they can mail me again next month.

Times are so hard that Joe the Plumber is voting for Obama after business closures disrupt his hourly fix of Krispy Kreme.

Times are hard.

Blackwater, the mercenary corporation employed by the US, which gained notoriety for operating in an ethical black hole because they aren't under the jurisdiction of the US military or Iraqi security forces, has also felt the pinch. They've been forced to cut costs on fuel and ammunition by just firing a few shots into the air when they enter a villages, and then heading straight out. Most Iraqi villagers are pleased by this new display of fiscal responsibility by the mercenaries, and expect to see a rise in their own quality of life. The primitive peoples have a surprisingly astute grasp of financial theory. The consensus of tribal elders describe the loss of work time due to rebuilding their village and burying their children as "unsustainable".

Times are so hard that Dick Cheney asks for proof of insurance before he shoots you in the face.

Times are so hard, everyone invited to President Bush's global financial summit is expected to bring their own chairs. A potluck brunch is also planned, but reports that Russia is bringing its legendary Tundra Juice* have not been confirmed. >>>UPDATE: Nineteen of the G20 Industrial Nations showed up with only paper plates and plastic forks. The crisis was averted by Canada, who brought enough for everybody. "Socialist dummies," President Bush was heard to mumble through a mouthful of pancakes with real maple syrup.

*a concoction of melted snow, vodka distilled inside a live wolf, and chilled by the tears of Stalingrad's war widows, which never melt.

Republicans and their faith in self-correcting markets are widely believed responsible for the current financial "Nine Eleven". But I believe they were well aware and well prepared for the crisis. Evidence for this is right in our phone bills, in the fine print that reads "In the event of national and global economic collapse, a 7% tax will be charged to cover the cost of eavesdropping on your conversation."

The infamous "Gitmo" has moved to reduce the status of detainees from "enemy combatants to "those shifty brown fellows", which in Cuba allows for even worse treatment. Spokeswoman for the prison, Dr. Crimla Shimshanks, claims that it is an attempt to reduce costs by decreasing the amount of food, water, and vitamin C. Dr. Shimshanks stated that it meets the minimum requirements agreed upon in the Geneva Convention after the second World War. However, in a stunning display of independent jouralism, Presidential underdog candidate Jaclyn Backhaus discovered that she was referring to a different historical global conflict, determining the proper treatment of prisoners in the (ongoing) war between gerbils and guinea pigs.

When Jaclyn's running mate* confronted the Doctor with these facts and expressed concern that human beings cannot live on a guinea pig's diet, Shimshanks retorted "But look how shifty they are!"

*Jaclyn's selection for her running mate, The Road by Cormac McCarthy, was vaulted into the spotlight after being made into a film starring Viggo Mortensen. Support for the post-apocalyptic yarn about a man struggling to maintain his humanity while protecting his young son was a surprise to many who were expecting Ms. Backhaus to choose No Country For Old Men, an older book by Cormac McCarthy with more experience, although just as bleak.

BREAKING NEWS: Governor Palin wants to increase funding for Individuals with Disabilities Education Act for the first time since its inception. She would like to "Require states to demonstrate that their Special Needs education is based on "proven outcomes" and job placement after high school. I also support jobs for retards; I hear that the GOP is already accepting applications for the 2012 vice presidency.

(I was going to say Alaska is looking for a governor but I don't want to offend those guys. I may go there someday and Wasilla courts are very sympathetic to hunters who "accidentally" shoot people whose skin color is similar the color of a moose, or say, a black bear.)

In his 2000 campaign, John McCain gave a speech demanding that religious institutions show temperance and even tolerance towards other faiths, citing examples of both Islamic and Christian leaders whose vitriolic statements and calls to violence threaten human rights and civil liberties. I wish that that 2000 McCain was still running for president.

Oh, a friend who may identify herself if she desires told me a joke: What do Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina have in common?

Answer: 1 in 5 things that come out are retarded.

Snap.

I also saw a t-shirt that had her picture on it and the question "Do we really want a vice president that has had a penis in her mouth?"

No, I didn't really see that. But I want to.

Times are hard?

But seriously folks, she claims the media is picking on her, but making fun of Sarah Palin is as easy as a high school student with abstinence-only sex education.

As much as I kid, I'm proud of her nomination by the Republican Party. Senators and church leaders alike envy her, my sources say. A Republican that doesn't have to resort to seedy hotel rooms and airport bathrooms to satisfy a fondness for penis? Perhaps there is hope for the party after all.

It must be strange for them, I imagine, to be fighting so hard against people who would accept that they are homosexual, and not actually hate them for it like the majority of their constituents.

A warning to all my Republican or socially conservative friends that are gay: I will still tease the hell out of you, and maybe even do a sexy dance at you. Jokingly, of course.

Of course, adults can make their own decisions, I guess. What is the saddest is the little kids in church and school, like when I was in Catholic school, who were already clearly gay.

You may be able to fool most people, but at the very least your girlfriend or wife knows. Oh, she knows.

But it's okay to be gay, even if you think it isn't. When human beings suppress their sexuality, especially males across the board from those celibate Catholic priests, to celibate Muslims, and incarcerated felons, they lose perspective. After a while, molesting altar boys or strapping on a bomb or violently raping another male might seem more possible to them than say, guys that have a willing sexual partner and maybe even an emotional relationship.

Where was I? Ah yes, times are hard. Times are so hard that the CIA is extraditing terrorism suspects to the Luxor in Las Vegas and water-boarding them the Bellagio fountains. It's surprisingly lovely, their cries for mercy and claims of just overstaying their student visas sync up nicely with the water spouts.

Times are hard, times are hard.

Airports have begun keeping people's shoes after security checks. Security has suffered in other ways, the police officers have been removed. The safety of each terminal is handled by the guy at the Starbuck's, who in between making lattes shouts out "Achmed!" He is authorized to tackle anyone who looks.



Times are hard, and if I write any longer I won't be able to keep running the refrigerate.

Okay, okay, I'm done. Back to babysitting. Times are hard for them too. Times are so hard the kids have to beat themselves.

How hard are things for you?