I jolted awake in the frosty darkness to the sound of my own teeth chattering. The alarm clock's red glare said 2:28 am, as I assume it does every night at 2:28 am. I failed to see the reassuring orange glow of the heater in the corner. The heater sat in cold silence and was certainly not heating anything.


As I grumbled out of bed to see what was the matter, a ghostly apparition appeared in front of me. It glowed faintly as it swayed from side to side. A bit of drool tried to escape out of the corner of my mouth as I stood aghast. A voice began to speak. "Guillermooge...Guilermooge..." (At this point, the bit of drool was recruiting others to join the liberation movement.) "Guillermoooooge..." the ghost continued. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Pants."


"The Ghost of what?!" I sputtered, sending droplets of saliva into freedom and darkness.


The ghost seemed to flicker, darkening slightly as if in annoyance. "Guillermooge...I am the Ghost of Christmas Pants."


"But I've got plenty of pants!" I snapped, my fear having turned quickly into annoyance. "So you're wasting your time. Now off with you! I don't fancy being woken up in the middle of the night by some bloody forgotten Old Navy commercial."


The ghost sparked and flashed like a heater with an electrical short. "Guillermooo...you will listen to me. I am the Ghost of Christmas Pants and I have come to offer you a chance for redemption. Do you know what day this is?"


"Yeah, it's December 10th. Aren't you out a bit early?"


"Foolish mortal! Today is Friday. Pants-Down Friday! Think, boy. When was the last time you celebrated Pants-Down Friday?"


I pondered a moment. "Ah, yes, I remember. Never! Now go away and leave me alone."


"You lie, Guillermo," the ghost said, "Think back to when you were a lad. Why, most people looked forward to Friday because it meant a coming weekend, because it was Casual Day at work, or even because it meant the school cafeteria was serving pizza. But not you. You, you couldn't wait for Friday because it meant you could drop your pants to your little heart's content."


"Spirit!" I cried, "You speak of a time long since past. I was but a scamp of 21, naive of the ways of the world and the astounding social pressure to keep one's pants up at all times. Now I am too old; I canna change. I canna possibly change."


"How old are you?" the spirit demanded.


"Twenty-two and a half."


"You are young, fool! I've got plot holes older than you! You can still change!"


"No, I can't."


"Yes, you can!"


I pondered a moment. "Hey, I never thought of it that way before."


"Wonderful!" the Ghost of Christmas Pants said with a glow. "Now sleep, sleep, and forget all about the strange and extraordinary events that occured here tonight...well, not the stuff about the pants and not about me being the Ghost of Christmas Pants. I mean, after all, forgetting everything would make this entire exchange pretty much pointless and-"


If the ghost said more I did not hear it for I was already back in bed and sound asleep.


I woke the next morning to sunlight streaming in through the window. Remembering my marvelous encounter in the night, I ran to the windowsill and stuck my head out. I saw a child sitting nearby. "You there, boy!" I shouted happily.


The child glared at me. "I'm a girl!"


"Eh, yes of course, sorry. Em, you there, girl!"


"What?"


"What day is it?"


"Today, sir? Why, it's Friday."


"Yes!" I cried with glee. "It's Pants-Down Friday! Now listen boy-"


"Girl!"


"Right, yes, girl. Now listen, em, girl, I want you to run down to the mall and fetch me the nicest pair of underwear you can find!"


"What are ya, daft? I haven't got any legs, mister. Why do you think I'm just setting here?"


I blinked. "Yes, that is rather odd. But no matter. It's Pants-Down Friday and nothing can go wrong!" I grabbed my hat, cane, and monocle. I put on a pair of my nicest pants and immediately dropped them. I shuffled down the stairs and out the door, cheering all the while.


Shortly afterwards, the police brought me to the jail house. They put me in a holding cell along with a few other troublemakers. One of them looked very familiar. "Hey, it's you, the Ghost of Christmas Pants!"


"Hello, Guillermooge," the ghost said cheerfully. "I see that you are a new man."


"You bet!" I paused. "So what are you in for?"


"Urinating in public."


"Oh. Yeah, they're really cracking down on that."


"Yeah."


"Yeah."


THE END

Make up your own moral!