Update from the Federal Newsfeed for War Against Crabs

The Federation has been in turmoil following the events surrounding the attempted execution of former-Captain Gurg Frenzy.

The execution itself did not go as smoothly as planned. Instead of politely letting himself be eaten, Gurg Frenzy had leapt onto the Crab's back and rode it around and around the coliseum.

After a few minutes of that the viewers began to lose interest. The order was then given to open fire upon both the crab and it's rider.

Gurg Frenzy yanked mightily on the eyestalks of the beast which he had been using in lieu of reins, causing it to leap into the stands.

Fortunately, no-one actually goes to the coliseum to view the events anymore; not when they can view them live on F.N.W.A.C. in the comfort of their own home.

Gurg Frenzy rode the Giant Crab through the bleachers, out the clearly-marked emergency exit, and off into the sunset.

While the organizers of the event began debating furiously about what to do now that everything had gone awry. They contemplated just proceeding as if nothing had happened, finishing out the rest of the event, refusing to mention it, and hoping that the whole thing would blow over.

After all, that approach had worked so well after Janet Jackson had flashed her breast at the last execution...scrksz

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"Hey! Are we on? Sweeeet.

This is Captain Gurg Frenzy broadcasting live from our top-secret base on the coast of Norwegia! Eh...was I supposed to mention our top-secret base or no? No? Oh.

Well, regardless of where we are, here is what's going down. The War Against Crabs is slipping out of the public eye. The Federation has responded to this lack of interest and public pressure by pulling out all the troops from Norwegia and the surrounding territories, including Swedia.

Damn election years.

But the Crabs are still there. Still spawning, feeding, and growing. Now is our only chance to utterly destroy them, or at the very least, set up some sort of Crab-Democracy.

So having narrowly escaped certain consumption by a Giant Crab, I am now going back into the fray. I will not be alone. The rest of the squad is suited up and ready to go (except for that one guy, I'm pretty sure he ain't coming back) and coming along are some new recruits like Corporal Fred E. Bear, Private Wiffle Bat, and Anonymous (and anyone else who signed the petitions; did I forget to mention that they're also draft forms?)

We're about to lay the smack down on some Giant Red King Crab carapace. I-

Hold on, sorry, I have another call...

...

I'm back. Well, I've just been told that it looks like the Federation is pretty opposed to what we're about to do and is already scrambling to deploy troops to Norwegia with orders eliminate us.

Seems that we have our work cut out for us. Not only are we going to be fighting the Crabs, we're also going to be going up against the people we're trying to protect.

Man, I hate election years.

There is much to prepare, but it feels good to be busy again. If you are interested in joining the campaign against the crab threat, you know how to contact us.

C'mon, do ya wanna live forever?