I am a liar!

Come on, this is where you say "I knew it all along!" with such sincerity and vehemence that you almost fool yourself.

No, I knew I wouldn't fool anyone. Not completely, anyway. But if there was even the tiniest bit of doubt, I'll feel validated for all the time I put into trying to sound convincing.

Not to mention all the time I spent trying to work in Radiohead lyrics and song titles. (For instance: "Here, I'm alive" from Idioteque)

Heh, I did kind of get a little over-zealous in the middle there.

But a belated Merry Fool's Day to all. Just be thankful it's only one day a year. Some of us feel like we're stuck in this day every single moment of our lives, waiting in vain for someone to clap us on the back and say, "Yes, yes, you were right; it was all just a joke!"

Today being the 2nd day of the month, I have posted my progress report. I feel pretty good about it, despite the extra nine pounds I gained by adding my head this time.

Not to discourage anyone on the South Beach or Atkins diet, but my dinner the night before this picture was taken consisted of a bowl of spinach ravioli, three flour-tortilla quesadillas, a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

But, uh, I'm sure that an all-protein diet is good, too. I mean, I'm living proof that carbohydrates turn you into a heifer. Hold on, let me put this bell around my neck...

Sorry to everyone that's on those diets, but I'm with Jesus on this one. It's not what you put into your mouth, it's what comes out of it.

Wait, that sounds like he was promoting bulemia.

No, I mean that eating can be a great pleasure in life. But it's like a credit card. You can put on all these charges as long as you pay them off. Do it promptly and you'll be sittin' pretty with a sweet credit rating that anyone would love to fondle.

(My self-help video, Blog Yourself Thin!, will be out in May. Blog Yourself Smart! and Blog Yourself To Spiritual Enlightenment! will be out by the end of this year. All three are looking to be wonderful additions to the Go Blog Yourself! line.)

So it looks like it's further on down the trail.

I remain confident. My life plan (to cover as much ground as possible and to collect the little bits of truth that I inadvertently stumble upon) is still in full effect.

Saddle up.

Hmm...I think that picture would look a-pretty-pretty good if I had a pirate hat and a hook. And maybe a tattoo of a marmot skull on my chest.

Sweet.

G.Advice:

A good joke has to be like a pearl: Smooth, lustry layers of coating wrapped around an irritating grain of truth.