Kermit wins the prize for uncovering my gluttonous side! While I greatly admire Ol' Franklin (I'm reading his autobiography right now) and I do understand the benefits of healthy eating, I don't think he or I put that maxim to action very often.

Now for the promised prize.

The prize is...another quote! This one comes to us from a source far less removed in time and space, if perhaps not reality.

Luis, Beth, and I went to the Phoenix Zoo this Saturday. After a fun-filled afternoon of kettle korn eating, paddle-boat paddling, and careening madly about on a two-person passenger bike with Luis screaming in the back, we all made our weary way home. In the car I asked Luis, "So what was your favorite animal?"

"The elephant," Luis said.

"Why is the elephant your favorite?"

"Because he wouldn't tell us where the zebras were."


The Cheat. You are evil and you are constantly
causing trouble. Strangely, you never get
blamed for it and you're very popular, probably
cuz you're so gosh darn cute. Rules were meant
to be broken, right?


What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday's Quiz:

I model my life using two out of three of the following quotes:

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." —Edgar Allan Poe "You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh—it's as simple as that. —Jay Leno "To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals." —Benjamin Franklin Guess which quote doesn't belong and win a prize!

The other night I pulled into my neighborhood around 2 am and I saw four
young adults attempting to break into a vehicle.  Thefts from automobiles
are not uncommon around here.  I called the police.

I spoke to the dispatcher and answered all her questions.  I told her that
none of them had seemed to care that I had driven right by them, which is
unusual for people caught in the act.  She assured me that thieves are
"very bold."

I thought back to Rogue and Vagabond Training School...

"If you do not act like you're doing anything wrong," my old, grizzled,
ninja/pirate instructor had said to me,  "People will not think you're
doing anything wrong."

The dispatcher informed me that two police cars and a helicopter were on
their way.

Ten minutes later, she called me back to tell me that, in fact, the car had
belonged to one of the four guys.

Now I know how the Patriot Act must feel...

Today I found out what a breast implant feels like.

I'm assuming I found out the way most people find out. I donated blood.

There was a blood drive at work today. Donating blood earns me a day off and all the juice boxes I could drink. I also get to duck out of work to donate.

All for giving up a little blood. Why not? I'm full of the stuff.

I opted to give two units of red blood cells instead of whole blood. I had never done it before but I understood the procedure. Twice the amount of blood would be drawn from my eager veins, the blood would be separated into plasma, platelets, and red blood cells. My plasma would be returned to me to prevent me from collapsing into a quivering heap.

Sadly, returning the plasma does not make up the disparity between lost blood and gained fluids. Hence the large bag of saline solution hanging innocently nearby...

So now I'm full of saline solution. Just like a breast implant.

I intend to take full advantage of the situation. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the bar to rake in the free drinks.

Truly, donating blood is the gift that keeps on giving.

True, true, those mischevious Canadians burned down the White House.  No hard feelings, though.  Really, I consider history from 1776 to the 1820's as America's freshman year.

Besides, we had it coming after a gangly, socially awkward US torched York, the Canadian capital.

It's sad what the kids in those days would do for attention.

Dear Christopher Columbus,

I have been at work today since 6 am despite the fact that today is Columbus Day.

Please rise up from the grave and mete out vengeance upon those responsible and, time permitting, their brethren.

Respectfully yours,

Guillermo

P.S.  If by chance you were buried at sea, let me know and I will send a boat for you, O Intrepid Zombie Explorer.

My good pal Joey, a reformed gambler, advised against me going to Las Vegas.  

But my good pal Joey forgot one key point:  I am not a gambler; I'm a drunk.