How exciting! I have no idea what I'm doing. 

Just gotta keep walking. What could go wrong.

I went in to the cafe next door and ordered breakfast. I'm not sure why. Other than I like breakfast. 

I do feel like I'm busy out of work now. So that's different. It's a good busy. Mainly I feel like there's a bunch of stuff I should be doing. Technology to acquire. Skills to learn. Capture cards? Overlays? Yes and yes. 

Also I have to call PayPal. And my insurance for coverage of my brain medication. Also two birthday parties to attend this weekend. I should vacuum. Yeah, I can vacuum real good.

Went out for dinner last night at Cock and Tails. It was great. Small place, with live music. I'd like to go again.

Last night I dreamed of a burning building. It was some kind of apartment complex with multiple living units, each with large glass windows. The fire was on the roof of the building, and slowly making its way downwards. I was running around it trying to help people get out. Some of them did, but a lot of them remained inside because they refused to believe there was a fire. In my dream, I was hurling large objects at the windows to try to smash the glass and drag the people out before the fire reached them. I cut myself pretty badly on my left arm and hand dragging people out through the windows. My friend Page was there too, and she insisted I patch myself up before I went back to try again, so I did. I remember feeling in that moment that I was possibly going to get myself killed trying to help people who didn't want to be helped. 

Tonight, I'll try to dream of puppies.

Hello! How are you? I'm good, thank you. I've been having a wild time. Four whole days off and I went to see The Suicide Squad, which was good, and I went to The Undertow, which was a great time. Now I'm back at work and doing the thing where I try to catch up with everything. 

There's a lot I have to learn about this video game streaming stuff. Probably should have spent more time checking that out on my time off. I did a little. Slowly but surely. It's like leveling up any RPG character. Unlock new abilities and figure out how they work with previous abilities. Can't try to do too much at once on your first play-through or you can get stuck with things you don't want.

I've been feeling pretty good though, overall. Like my beloved bamboo, I am growing in unusual directions, but still growing.

Wrap a little twine around it and everything should straighten out eventually. 

I dreamed of my little brother, Luis. He was a baby again, maybe a year old, and he was playing and he was happy. I wanted to stay asleep to see him. I'm trying to feel glad that I'm awake because now I can visit my real memories of him. 

My poor boy. 

I woke up this morning to find that I'm now considered an affiliate with Twitch. I'm not sure what this entails, but I know it involves me being "monetized." I think people will now get commercials or something when they try to watch me. I had the dream first, which means I think I need to set everything up so any money I make I can donate to Phoenix Children's Hospital. And I don't know...raise awareness? How to be a good sibling to someone with a chronic illness. There's already support for people with chronic illnesses, and I'm sure there are family counseling things like that. But maybe, just maybe, I can fit a niche with a group like "How to be a decent sibling and avoid the crushing regret that may arise, and no, it isn't alleviated by the fact that you honestly didn't know any better because you were also just a kid yourself."

I'm laughing through my tears here.

Hey, I try to let people know what they're in for. 

So yeah, that. Animal rescue too. Maybe some targeted fundraisers for families with a child that has chronic illness, and not to provide money exactly but something like a "master case manager" for families. So they can have all doctor info, insurance info, relevant chart notes, and all that stuff they might need. Yes, it would be a lot but in my line of work at least having the skeleton of an understanding of how to navigate the complexities of the system would help.

I remember being little and having no idea where all my little brother's medical equipment came from. How anything worked. How it was all connected. Our system is broken and I can't fix it, but I can maybe help people learn how to navigate it. This happens to families constantly. I know my poor mother still isn't very clear on insurance stuff even after everything. Luckily, my sister and I know that side now and can help her.

I don't know. Children's hospital and animal rescue. Maybe I can help. We'll see. 

Perhaps all the mistakes I've made have put me in a good position to give advice. My first piece of advice would be that every piece of advice is useful, but never completely accurate.

I'm listening to "Hold On When You Get Love And Let Go When You Give It" by Stars. It's made me thoughtful. 

I love the line "Take the weakest thing in you/ And then beat the bastards with it".

Yes, I do like this music thing.

It's a marvelous day. My bamboo is growing well. It suffered a little during that heat wave. It doesn't all grow particularly straight, but that's what I like about it. You do you, bamboo. I imagine it's reaching for more light. 

I know the feeling. 

I love this photo. What a wonderful life. 

There's certainly been a lot of self-reflection going on around here. It's always a good idea, I think. As long as it doesn't develop into crippling self-doubt. Even if it does, I guess I'm usually stubborn enough to power through it and keep going. If making an ass of myself were a real deterrent, I probably wouldn't be very good at anything. 

When I was streaming on Twitch and talking to people, I talked about how I used to be an incredibly shy, sensitive child and I felt like I was always ignored by people. Until one day, I'm not sure exactly when, I got tired of it and became loud and persistent. I decided that if people were going to ignore me, they'd have to put a lot more effort into it. I think I was always a friendly kid...the moodiness developed later.

I don't know. 

This Twitch thing has been interesting. I'm enjoying meeting new people. I worry that with my limited brain power, I can't really be a good friend to that many people, but I will try.

What else? The bamboo is recovering from the heat wave. Not sending up new shoots, except for Delta, but otherwise looking okay. The stalks aren't growing straight up. I'll have to look into that. Who says you need to grow straight, bamboo?! You are in my family now and you grow how you want!

What's weird (and this is weird) is that I seem to be working harder at my job now that I feel a little more fulfilled outside of it. Is that normal? 

I realized I used the word "fulfilled" but that's not quite right. I'm content; I think it is that I fluctuate between social butterfly and desert hermit. Maybe talking to people makes me think less about myself? 

Maybe it's also the fun of learning something new. Go brain go!