It's English Lesson Time!


Whenever a word has multiple definitions (or, in most cases, similar meanings with subtle connotations), the context will determine which use the author most likely intended.


Or you can ask the author, I guess.


When I used the word "malaise" in a previous post I was aware that there is the mental aspect of malaise and the physical aspect of malaise. In this case, I was referring to mental unease and moral ill-being at my work and not to a raging epidemic.


I understand that this may not be clear right away. However, I also believe that any questions on my word choice would be resolved upon further reading.


Firstly, since I am a low-level mail clerk, it is highly unlikely that my supervisor would seek out my prognosis on any medical matter. Perhaps if there was an illness going around that I absolutely knew was fatal, like the seemingly rampant crania-implodus, then my prognosis would be "You gonna die."


But alas, I am no doctor. So that's one strike against the physical meaning of malaise.


The second and most authoritative clue would have to be that in my reply I again fail to mention anything medical or physical. I even specifically use the word "mentality".


I hope this clears up any confusion. It is my desire that the aforementioned matter be understood by all. In other words, if you don't understand by now I would strongly suggest you look into a feeding tube.

Being a cubicle-dweller in a corporate environment has its share of hazards. Now, it appears I can add metaphysical bullying to the list.


Through the innovation of intra-office e-mail, (which allows annoying people to pester you from floors and even entire buildings away without leaving the comfort of their staling, climate-controlled workstations) I am inundated daily with forwarded jokes, chain letters, and even Power-Point presentations.


I bear these as gracefully as I can.


One thing I can no longer tolerate is that little message at the end of each one ordering me to "send this to X amount of people or you'll get Y amount of bad luck."
Even more absurd are the more specific claims that I'll receive a phone call with good news in a number of minutes vaguely related to the content of the message if I obey.


Now I consider myself open-minded. I've heard tales of items that are said to have mystical properties.


Some examples are King Arthur's Excalibur, the Necronomicon, the Spear of Destiny, and that Holy Grail all those British comedians were after.


Yet, in all my years of studying the occult, I've never come across anything proclaiming the awesome powers of the free Yahoo! mail account.


So whatever ancient, clandestine orders of priests, shamans, or druids that are trying to harness the mystic combination of jpeg animations and poor grammar need to stop sending me this nonsense. If they want to bring me harm I suggest they try something that actually works, such as cutting my brake lines. Or a voodoo doll.

Main Entry: mal·aise
Pronunciation: m&-'lAz, ma-, -'lezFunction: noun
Etymology: French malaise, from Old French, from mal- + aise comfort -- more at EASE


1 : an indefinite feeling of debility or lack of health often indicative of or accompanying the onset of an illness
2 : a vague sense of mental or moral ill-being

I don't think I mentioned this but a while ago I was subjected to an "annual review" at work. I sat in an office with my new supervisor and she told me that I was performing up the company's expectations. She then commented on the general malaise that was going around the office and asked me if I had any thoughts.


I thought for a moment.


I told her that weak leadership was causing the generally good work relationships to deteriorate into power struggles and hierarchy-building as people tried to gain status by merits that had little or nothing to do with their assigned tasks, the most common being making someone else appear inferior. This is the same mentality that is so prevalent in prison.


She stared at me for a moment. Then she laughed awkwardly and said she wouldn't know anything about prison.


I forced a smile and was quiet as she went on to say that I qualified for a bonus and a raise. I thanked her and she sent me on my way.


In hindsight, I should have waited until my bonus was safely in my checking account before I criticized her. Oh well; she had asked for it.

Alcohol is a dangerous thing. It is also a useful tool if used properly. In the same way a near-death experience invokes a sudden passion for life, being drunk (a near-stupid experience) can also ignite a glorious celebration of one's creative faculties.


If not, sobering up gives a keen recognition of the sound arguments the senses can propose when not clouded by foreign chemicals.


Written while enjoying a beer and reading "The Monkey Wrench Gang" in the backyard of Brian's grandparents' house/ranch in Oregon at around 10:30 in the morning.

As you probably suspected, I am in Klamath Falls, Oregon, wildy aggravating the local townfolk.


As spring break dawned on me this year, I decided to forego the usual drunken debauchery in Mexico for a week of quiet exploration of Northwestern America.


So far, it has been pretty quiet.

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who forbids her to see the crab.


"It'll never work" he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!"


"Please," she begs, "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."


Her father finally agrees, and she runs of to share the good news.


The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight.


On the big day he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can. Standing on the porch, the lobster dad yells to his daughter, "I knew it. Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"


Reprinted without permission from the copy of Reader's Digest I found in the break room at work as I was heating up water in my Justice League mug. Shortly after, in that very same mug, I successfully brewed green tea. It was delicious.